Wherefore Art Thou?

Currently, Ken and I are sailing along the Rhine River on a river boat cruise. It’s certainly been an interesting experience so far. There are approximately 180 passengers on board, and a restaurant and lounge with 30 tables of 6, so exactly 180 seats. Which means you are FORCED to eat with strangers. I don’t like being in crowds at the best of times but it’s so much worse when you have no choice but to engage in small talk. And some of these passengers are people I would NEVER engage with in real life. Today at lunch, for example, we had to sit with an elderly couple and their daughter. When they invited us to pray with them before the meal came, we politely declined. That wasn’t the issue. The issue arose 5 minutes later when the praying lady started railing on about refugees being given US government money and how unfair it was, which seemed just a tad hypocritical. That left Ken and me pointedly ignoring her and pointedly pointing to things on the riverbank—“Ooh look, a factory!”—until she shut up.

But aside from having to smile tightly or attempt to ignore the many bigots on board, we HAVE had some lovely shore excursions. The other day we visited a palace in a city called Nijmegen where the artwork was incredible, in that I’ve never seen so many paintings of people who looked completely over it. In fact, I renamed the palace from Palais Het Loo to Palais What Fresh New Hell Is This? because of paintings like the following:

I’m not sure what’s happening here, and there were no titles on the artworks, but these people look absolutely done with whatever is going on.

Dude second left: I’m so sorry, my man, but the water is still water. No wine to be seen.

Dude in middle (presumably Jesus): Again? Are you freaking kidding me?! Come on, Dad—help a guy out!

Woman on right: FFS. I promised everyone a nice Chardonnay. You’re, like, the WORST caterer.

Dudes far right and left: Can you try again? We’re super thirsty and need to get this party started! Would it help if we prayed?

And then there was this lady—her portrait is gigantic, looms over one of the main bedrooms, and you know she’s looking at you like “Get the hell out of my house, peasant!”

It always amazes me that someone would go to all the trouble and time to have a portrait of themselves painted and have the artist make you look like you hate everyone and everything. I mean, it’s not like back in the day where you couldn’t smile because the exposure was so long that any wavering would make it blur—this lady could have just said, “Make me, an incredibly wealthy noblewoman with my own palace and literally nothing to worry about, look happy.”

And then, of course, we visited a Museum of Modern Art where, as is typical, you get to see amazing things, and then other things where you know you could legitimately done them yourself. For example:

These are shapes that are cut out of foam, spray painted black and stuck to the wall. I can’t remember the name of the piece—I think it might have been Ethereal Quantum Stardust or something equally bizarre but I just refer to it as the Penis Wall.

Then of course, there’s this stunning piece by Marcel Duchamps called Bicycle Stool. It’s a stool with a bicycle wheel mounted on it:

According to the plaque, Duchamps “declared it an artwork simply by the process of selecting it.” So with that in mind, here’s my sculpture, Table On Chair On Balcony, and someone better give me a sh*t load of money for it to pay for this cruise.

And if you don’t believe that I can make art just as good as some of these things, you can revisit my Paul Klee challenge where most readers thought MY painting was the real Klee, or you can wait until I’m home—I’ll be recreating another art piece and you can guess which is mine and which is in a national gallery. Until then, I’ll keep on sailing.

28 thoughts on “Wherefore Art Thou?”

  2. As always, another one of your adventures has led to a hilariously entertaining blog post! The overly religious lady and her daughter sadly reflect what seems to be the norm for much of America these days: overly pious and woefully under-educated. It’s disheartening.

    Speaking of disheartening, tomorrow marks the Presidential Inauguration, and let’s just say Amelia and I aren’t exactly looking forward to it. We have this simple preference that our political candidates not be convicted felons. Honestly, is that really too much to ask?

    And let me just gently remind you—you’re on a boat. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but think about the accidental scenario where the woman and her daughter might tumble overboard, necessitating a rescue that conveniently leaves them unable to participate further in your cruise. Safe, of course, but blissfully absent from your journey. Purely hypothetical, of course!

    Judging by her taste—or lack thereof—she’d probably love to incorporate some of that museum art into her own décor. I’m sorry that your southern neighbors can sometimes be… well, like this.

    Thanks for sharing and for giving us a much-needed laugh in the midst of it all!

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  4. Ha! That lady and her daughter should know that you don’t engage anyone in prayer or politics…….EVER! But, people now a days are stupid and unaware of social rules. How awesome that you and Ken are on a cruise…another cruise? Lol
    Anyway, have fun my friend and just disassociate when people like that religiously, hypocritical woman are within your perimeter.

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    • We’re trying but it’s so hard when you’re forced to sit with strangers. There are people walking around the ship with God sweatshirts on🙄. Guess how unhappy they were when one of our tour guides told us that Gutenberg’s bible allowed people to see that the Church had been lying to them to keep them oppressed! Lol.

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  8. At least the people invited you to pray which was nice. It would have been more awkward if they just started with no acknowledgement, I think.
    I cracked up with your comments about Penis Wall and Bicycle On Stool. I do think your Table On Chair On Balcony would fit right in!

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  9. I do love that first painting because it looks so much like the guy with his hand love his face is thinking “He’s gonna make us do an encore of ‘Highway To The Danger Zone’, isn’t he? I was hoping to get out of here after ‘Footloose’.” Anyway I’m glad to learn that river cruises are a…mixed blessing.

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  11. especially with inauguration day tomorrow, I desperately want to believe that somewhere is bigot-free? the lady wanting people to leave is due to her obvious nausea. and as for the art, the art is in getting everyone to come see it lol wishing you a lovely rest of your vacay – wedding anniversary?

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