That’s The Entrepreneurial Spirit

As some of you may be aware, I’m retiring from the secret agency at the end of September which, by my count (not that I’m counting) is eight work days away. And while I love my job, I’m still happy to be finally entering my golden years. But the problem is, I’m incredibly worried that I’ll be bored. Yes, I know I have some books to write, and there’s the antique booth to keep stocked, and weekly submissions from the literary magazine that I volunteer with to read, but there are still a lot of hours in the day, and if you know me at all, you know I HATE being bored. I recently signed up to a couple of online job sites, looking for something fun and part-time, you know, but all they send me are either things that will be as, if not more, demanding than my current position, or sound boring AF. And they keep asking “Are you qualified for this position?” like how the hell should I know, and why are you sending me jobs where speaking Italian is a prerequisite? Today’s crop included a lot of jobs involving math, and isn’t their faith in my numeracy skills adorable?

Ken: So the guy at the tree nursery said he’d sell the Lions Club 50 trees for 1000 dollars.
Me: That’s a good deal, like…$20 a tree. Hey, I just did math in my head! I’m really good at math!
Ken: Yes. Yes, you are, honey.
Me (pulls out phone): Where’s that ad for the part-time accountant?

Also, there was a faculty position to teach Introduction To Neuropsychology, but I think to take a job like that, you need to know what neuropsychology is aside from ‘weird brain stuff’. There WAS an intriguing post for ‘Collections Specialist’ and I was thrilled for a minute because, as you know, I collect a LOT of things, but it’s actually just a euphemism for shaking down people over the phone to get them to pay their debts, and I’ve never seen the word ‘delinquent’ used so much in one ad. Ultimately, I think I need to give up on these sites, because I never know what the jobs are, and I spent a lot of time the other day coming up with various configurations of meats, cheeses, and condiments to demonstrate my creativity, only to discover that “Sub Stack Developer” was not quite what I imagined it to be.

But I’m not a quitter, so I’ve decided to use my entrepreneurial spirit and come up with my own jobs, positions that are a LOT more fun than “Mobile Truck and Coach Technician” or “Procurement Operations Specialist” (which is code for professional kidnapper, obviously):

1) Travel Advisor

This is not the same thing as a travel agent. No, what I’ll be doing is using my extensive experience as Queen of Worst Case Scenarios to help people who are thinking of travelling:

Client: So I’d like to go hiking.
Me: Terrible idea.
Client: But I really want to go.
Me: Fine. Don’t stand on the edge of any cliffs.
Client: Ooh, good thinking.
Me: And don’t clamber around on rocks. Your ankle could get caught in between two of them, and then you’d have to chew your leg off. Also, get some bear spray.
Client: Excellent advising. Here is fifty dollars.

2) Boredom Specialist

Me: I see that you are the Synergy Group, Boring Division. I’m here to help you spice things up.
Guy working on my street: That’s not what that means.
Me: So your division isn’t boring?
Guy: Well, yes. It IS boring, but–
Me: Then you definitely need my help. I suggest a clown costume, the bigger and redder the nose the better. Also, two words—glitter cannon.
Guy: Lady, leave me alone. I need to do boring.
Me: Fine. Be boring. But don’t say I didn’t try. And on that note, you owe me fifty bucks.

3) Pet Detective

I actually saw that job title come up the other day, and I was super excited at the idea of combining two of my favourite things–solving mysteries and pets. And this was even better because it was solving mysteries ABOUT pets. The position involved ‘striking up conversations and sharing stories with fellow pet owners about their animals’ and it sounded EXACTLY like what a good detective would do:

Me (striking up conversation): Hello. Might I ask you a couple of questions?
Pet Owner: Why certainly.
Me: (holds up photograph): Have you seen this cat anywhere? Her name is Miss Whiskers McGee. She was last seen in the company of your bulldog.
Bulldog (running): You’ll never take me alive!
Pet Owner: Bowzer! What have you done?!

And I had just gone through the closet and found one of Ken’s old fedoras and a trenchcoat when Ken pointed out that the job was with the Blue Buffalo Pet Food Company and that ‘Pet Detective’ was a glorified pet food salesperson and I was like “How in the name of Nancy Drew is that doing detective work?!” But then the other day, our neighbour’s cat escaped from their breezeway and they asked us to help find her. We didn’t–she was hiding in their basement ceiling–but if it happens again, I’m definitely wearing the fedora and trenchcoat. In the meantime, though, the search for something interesting and fun continues. I’ll keep you posted.

50 thoughts on “That’s The Entrepreneurial Spirit”

  3. Very interesting jobs, indeed! Travel advisor is my favorite. It’s not a job, but someday, I’d like to take up open water swimming in the Puget Sound–no sharks there that I know of, just orcas, which I rarely see, so it’s not like a pod will sneak up on me and scare me. Jellyfish might be a problem. Maybe I’ll need your help as a travel advisor to think up more scenarios though. Cheers!

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  4. As always Suzanne, you had me in stitches! Which I already know you don’t sew, so…lol. Anyway, there use to be a “boring” company here and all their trucks stated that. I guess they got tired of people asking them the same thing so they changed it to “drilling.” 😝🤣😆
    Anyway, I too can see you in a fedora, trench coat with sunglasses tracking down missing pets.

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  5. barbaramullenix says:

    I much prefer the term Queen of Worst Case Scenarios over Devil’s Advocate (which is what my father used to call me). It’s like being the angel on someone’s shoulder that nobody adventurous wants to hear from. But I’m really good at it and there should be a paying job in there somewhere!

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  7. In retirement you could do multiple new jobs, simultaneously. OverEmployed.com will teach you how. That’s a thing now, it seems. If you’re gonna zoom, then zoom-zoom. There’s a forbes article on the subject. I’d do it but I’d be just like me to get two jobs that I hate doing thereby becoming twice as unhappy. No thanks.

    Maybe you’re onto something with that advisor thing: Career Advisor. You could divine the color of their parachute, get them hooked on collecting cosplay swords, or porcelain cherubs or timepieces that actually worked… Tarot out their Final Destinations and get them there all the sooner. Advisors are in high demand, and no doubt your Secret Squirrel Skills could be put to good use.

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  8. Oh, you could be the singing pet detective. Dogs in hiding or who have been stolen have no choice but to howl when you burst out in song…of course you’d only sing off-key on purpose as part of your job! Also, you need gadgets. Every good spy…I mean detective needs gadgets! Mona

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  10. You WON’T be bored. Don’t worry. You know how many books there are to be read, stories to be written, people to get to know, clubs/ courses to enroll in, places to go?
    Besides, there’s always sth to do around the house. You can become an expert in growing flower and vegetables.

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  11. You must have cut off the part of the pet detective ad that said “Do you enjoy trying to guilt fellow pet parents into buying overpriced food that is merely processed from a better quality of horse carcass?” I’d assume that’s the point of the job, and pet detectives aren’t just paid to make random social calls on pet owners…

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  12. I’ve spent 18 months at home in medical quarantine, and haven’t been bored yet. I know you can do this, and enjoy it. See what it’s like first before trying to fill time you might not want filled.
    Also, do let those meat and cheese combos go to waste. That’s someone’s job somewhere.

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  13. Congrats, Suzanne! I don’t think you’ll want for things to do in retirement, but where retirees sometimes run into trouble is that they are suddenly plunged into a structureless existence and don’t know how to use their time efficiently, which in turn leads to boredom and/or restlessness. (I am in no way suggesting this will happen to you; this is merely a general observation.) I think by and large we crave a structured day. Part of the fun of vacation is tossing that structure out the window for a week, but often when people say they are glad to be home, what they’re really grateful for is returning to the comforting arms of their routine.

    So, I might suggest that you enjoy having “nothing to do” for a week or two… and then go about establishing a new routine for yourself. If it helps, assign designated office hours for your fiction writing, your submission reading, your antique booth, etc. So, for example, if you set aside two hours per day for writing, fulfill that obligation — write for two hours, and two hours only — and then the rest of the day is yours for other commitments or interests. But I think that as long as you have some kind of reliable routine, you won’t fall into the retirement trap.

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  14. I question whether you’re going to be bored, Suzanne. For some reason, retirement is an extremely busy time of life! My husband is thinking of going back to work so he can relax. But, cautions aside, I hope you find your perfect entertaining part time job. Keep us posted!

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  15. Hey! Great! Whoo-Hoo! Retired? retired! retired. Congrats! It’s a transitional period, believe me. There is no period(.)after retired. Expectations of boredom in your life? With that line up of what you do listed, when do you take a breath? I retired a few years back – twice. The first time was the crash of 2008 – forced retirement of sorts and 2014. What a relief! Put on your dancing shoes and Tra-la-la to your hearts content. Something will come up…”It’s always something.” as a friend of mine likes to say. Have fun. Grow roses!

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  18. Such is the problem with retirement. I retired at age 38, and resorted to joining the local volunteer fire department here in Vermont, which lasted 90 days before they got tired of me. So far to keep myself occupied, I have re-wired and replaced all the plumbing in our house. I’ve also done a bunch of landscaping. This year, I resorted to buying myself a welder for my birthday, all in the hopes of staying busy. There’s always something to do, but sometimes you have to go out of your way to find it. 🙂

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  19. I have no doubt that you will find many ways to keep yourself both occupied and entertained (as well as the rest of us) I often joke that my calendar is more full and I am busier now that I Don’t work than I ever was with the whole 9-5 thing. (in my case 4-12) but you get it

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