Nailed It

So I’m feeling a little anxious right now for a couple of reasons. First, I DID manage to find two chairs that were not cocaine-related, so I quickly set about painting and reupholstering them and fixing up the table, and made a very cute set complete with a piece of wall art that I advertised for sale. Almost immediately, a woman contacted me and asked me to call her. I did:

Me: Hi, you were asking about the table and chairs set?
Woman (thick Russian accent): Yes. I will take. Sandra will call to arrange pick up.
Me: Um…okay…

And then I had several questions, the first and foremost of which was “Who the f*ck is Sandra, and how am I once again back in this weird chair/cocaine loop?” I so badly wanted to say “This really is a table and chairs, not anything else, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN”, but what if she didn’t know what I meant and then I lost the sale? Or what if she DID, and then I lost the sale? So I figured I’d play things by ear. On Thursday night, somebody named Ray messaged me: “It’s Sandra. I’m on the way.” But then the phone rang, and it was Sandra, telling me she couldn’t come because it was raining. This made little sense until she explained that she had an open pick-up truck and didn’t want the set, which she was picking up for the Russian woman, to get wet. Ultimately, Ken and I delivered the whole thing to her because, as it turned out, she lived just one town over and she was a very nice woman and had no interest in cocaine, or at least she was polite enough not to mention it.

Not cocaine

The second reason I’ve been feeling anxious is because Ken has embarked upon yet another home improvement project involving the dismantling and rebuilding of our side porch. He had previously done the same with the front porch and it’s amazing, but it took him TWO YEARS. And remember the gazebo that started out as a simple deck with a roof for the inflatable hot tub but ended up being something akin to the Taj Mahal? The issue is that we use the side porch as our main entrance, so I’m more than a little concerned about the pace and scope of this project.

In addition, I have certain irrational fears about elements of the construction industry, like being afraid of stepping on a nail sticking out of a wooden board, falling onto a table saw, and other highly improbable things involving dangerous power tool-like objects. I can usually quell these fears, except that I’m married to a man who takes extreme delight in making them worse. Case in point: I have a morbid fear of nail guns. Ken was using one last weekend, and I had to keep going into the other room because I was afraid of getting shot with it. When Ken pointed out that it was absolutely impossible that he could shoot me with a nail gun because of its safety guard, I reminded HIM that that was exactly what he said about the electric staple gun, right before he shot a staple past my head and that I didn’t trust ANY so-called “safety technology” regarding sharp, missile-like objects when it was in his hands. Sure enough, not much later, he dropped the nail gun on the floor, tip-down, and came close to shooting a nail into his foot. He will claim that I am exaggerating in a “lying” kind of way, but I’m just telling it like I saw it.

In other news, because I’m retiring at the end of September, the job ad to replace me was posted on Friday, and when I read it, my first thought was “Holy sh*t, is that what I actually do?!” And then it occurred to me that if I applied for it, I wasn’t even sure that I would get it, because it made me sound very fancy and experienced, and not at all afraid of Russian cocaine dealers or power tools.

And in other, other news, Feasting Upon The Bones, my debut short story collection from Potters Grove Press (which is currently sitting at #1 on Amazon’s Hot New Releases for Horror Anthologies), is now being delivered and my parents were the first people as far as I know to get their copy. And don’t think I’m a terrible daughter—I offered to give them a copy for free but they insisted on buying one, which I signed for them yesterday, because they really are the best and most supportive parents a girl with irrational fears could ask for.

65 thoughts on “Nailed It”

  1. I remember the days when Russian callers would ask me “do you got the stuff?” Well, I don’t personally remember those days, to be honest, but my good friend – who only did 6 of 10 – could probably attest. I only tried cocaine once (or twice) back in the 80s and I can tell you it wasn’t for me. Although, honestly, it was more “for me” than pot was because pot always turned this raging party animal into the nervous couch potato. As long as we’re being frank, working on furniture does the same. My power tools, quite inert, are almost always perfectly safe.

    I mean, unless garage heat can cause them to explode. Then, right now, they are very dangerous.

    Retirement! That must be extremely exciting and a little disquieting. What is a writer to do with all that spare time?

    Speaking of which “Bones” is on its way, via Amazon. That’s not secret drug-speak.

    Dos Vedanya for now, my friend. Watch that first step in and out of the house for a while. 😉

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  3. Oh Suzanne, first congrats on the new short story collection, I’m so psyched to read it. I have it on my Amazon list, will order TODAY!!
    I’m thinking Blaze For Dayz Shane is behind all of these Russian accent speakers, because I’m sure he wants to meet you. I don’t blame you for being afraid of saws, nail guns or anything of the sort. I stepped on a 2×4 with a nail sticking out of it about ten years ago at one of Lestat’s construction sites. It was just as painful as the fucking tetanus shot that I had to get because of that little accident. So your fears are well founded 😵‍💫🤔😎

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  8. Wait just one minute… We can get a /signed/ copy? Or do we have to be your parents, know your parents, or pay your parents for FURNITURE to get one?

    It’s nice to know someone who’s confident enough to offer up their work for $$$. (I don’t think I’ll ever not think of myself as a poseur.)

    What’s next on your writing calendar?

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    • I’ll even sign copies by mail so you don’t need to be “connected” lol! Up next is The Seventh Devil, out in August, and I’m already 4 chapters deep into a sequel. You should put your stuff together—you’re a fantastic writer!

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  11. Congratulations on the number one spot dangly… is one of the stories about how a recently retired special agent, now restoring furniture, delves into the cocaine smuggling world of Canada, and ends up gruesomely nailing some nasty Russian suspects body parts to her porch after accidentally sawing them up?

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  13. We have had friends offer to sell some things on FB marketplace for us. Now I can’t help but wonder if those might turn into this kind of suspicious transactions. LOL! Congratulations on your book being in the #1 spot.

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  15. Congrats on the book! And as for irrational fears mine is I will spontaneously combust. Have I ever even come close to being on fire? Not at all however my ex would flick a lighter at me and I would run away. 🙂 And if you are laughing it is totally ok because I laugh at myself about it all the time.

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  16. Every time I take something over to my neighbour’s I stand at his door and stage-whisper, “It’s me, Dave, I got the stuff,” and he yells, “DAVE’S NOT HERE, MAN!” because by some weird coincidence I happen to live next door to someone who knows Cheech & Chong routines. Okay, he is about twenty years older than me and they were very popular with his generation, but it still seems unlikely. And there’s nothing irrational about a fear of power tools, even if Ken won’t admit it.
    I’ve also added a copy of Feasting Upon The Bones to my cart and Amazon immediately recommended a ton of books I either already own or have already read so that bodes well.
    Still there’s one lingering question: who is Ray, and does he have the stuff?

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    • Interestingly, “Ray” had been the first one to contact me with a super lowball offer on the set which I quickly said no to. Turns out Ray was Sandra. The whole thing was bizarre but worked out well in the end😊 Hope you like the book!

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  17. The table and chairs look great, Suzanne. A “deal” well done without any actual exchange of contraband. And I wish my husband was handy, even if he was slightly dangerous with the power tools. Congrats on the new book. That’s awesome and a number one ranking is a fabulous start! Yay!

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  20. Danny Glover set out to do a little harmless “home improvement,” too, and yet we all remember the nail-gun incident from Lethal Weapon 2 and how that ended up!

    Congrats on Feasting Upon The Bones, Suzanne. Here’s to the best of success!

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  21. Egad! Another shopping sales episode with mysterious people and unusual behavior! I❤️it. Wow! Numero Uno! Yay! Do the dance of joy for your book. I started it…I’m really liking it too. Retirement? A transition for sure, but I see more mayhem in your future! The hilarious kind, of course. 🤣

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