LinkedIn: I Am Good At All The Jobs

I’ve been on LinkedIn for about five years now. If you don’t know what LinkedIn is, it’s like Facebook for people who don’t want to read about your vacation, see pictures of your kids, or look at memes about how hot it is. Yes. It’s hot. We are all aware. Anyway, the purpose of LinkedIn is to let you network with other “professionals”, post interesting “professional” articles, and read about “professional”-type things. Frankly, it’s boring AF for someone like me, who only dabbles in “professionalism” and would actually prefer to read about your vacation or see pictures of your kids than read about how I can “benefit from a global logistical hub connecting people, goods and markets through sky and sea”. But please stop telling me how hot it is, especially since my air conditioning is currently broken. Every time I hear someone on Facebook say, “Oh my god, it’s so hot!”, I am reminded of the fact that in approximately 16 weeks, you will all be saying, “Oh my god, it’s so cold!” It’s weather. That’s what it does.

A few weeks ago, though, I was looking through my account and found a button I could activate that would tell people I was ‘on the market’, i.e. looking for a job. I’m not actually looking for a job, since I already have a couple, but still, I thought, “I’m retiring soon. What’s the harm in seeing what’s on offer?” It’s the same logic as being in a happy marriage, but looking over your friend’s shoulder while she’s swiping left and right on Tinder—it’s fun to see what’s out there, even if you’re not really interested at the moment. So I signed up (for Job Alerts, NOT Tinder). But now, at least three times a day, I get a LinkedIn Job Alert that shows me over 100 jobs for which I might, apparently, be a ‘top applicant’. And also, apparently, LinkedIn has no idea what I do, or what my current skill sets are because I don’t even know what some of these jobs entail. But what if I applied for one and actually got it?…

1) Supervisor, Tool Room

Me: Good morning, staff. I am your new Supervisor, Tool Room.
Staff (muttering—they’re a cynical bunch apparently): Yeah, good morning, whatevs.
Me: So, first things first. Please put your tools on the table so that I can supervise them. I’ve devised this clever sign-out system, so if you need a tool, I’ve also created a Word doc explaining how you fill in the requisition form. There will be a quiz tomorrow. Have a good day.
Staff: What the f*ck? Give us back our hammers!

2) Warehouse Support

Me: You are an excellent warehouse. Don’t feel bad because you aren’t always as creative as the other warehouses. Creativity comes in many forms. We just have to find the right…idiom for you.
Warehouse: I just really want to get better at abstraction. I mean, my realistic canvasses are quite well-received, but I want to branch out—you know, show the other warehouses that there’s more to me than just landscapes.
Me: You will. Trust me.

3) Team Leader, Change Implementation

Me: Good morning, staff. I’m your new Team Leader. My job is to implement change.
Staff (enthusiastically—these guys are much more receptive): OK, cool, whatevs.
Me: As of today, you are no longer “Waterloo-Wellington Agricorp Limited, Finance and Procurement Division”. You are now “Frosty Queen”. Let’s hear it for frozen milk products!
Staff: But we make farm equipment.
Me: Change is hard.

4) Security Shift Supervisor

Me: Good morning team. I understand that you are the Security Shift. I like it. That’s an awesome nickname. So which one of you is Deadpool, because I just LOVE how you combine humour with kick-ass action.
Staff (confused—not the sharpest tools in the shed): Deadpool? What are you talking about?
Me: Oh. Is this more of a Suicide Squad type deal? OK. Which one of you is Harley Quinn?
Girl (slowly raises hand).
Me: Cool. I didn’t recognize you out of costume.
Girl: Uh, no. There’s no ‘Harley Quinn’ here.
Me: Then which universe IS this?! I get them so confused, especially since Marvel AND DC are both putting teasers after the credits. OK, “Security Shift”—show me your superpowers. And do it quick—I hear there’s trouble down at the Frosty Queen.

5) Bilingual French Financial Services Funding Specialist

Me (terrible French accent): Doo yoo wahnt sum mun-ayyy?
French Person: Je ne comprend pas!
Me: Mun-ayyy! Le cash! Do you actually SPEAK French or are you just messing with me?
French Person: Vous etes une idiote.
Me: Aww. That’s sweet. But you forgot the accent circonflexe on ‘etes’. (My written French is MUCH better than my spoken French).

6) Advanced Case Manager, Insurance Products

Me: So a shark attacked your boat and it sunk?
Customer: Aye. We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Me: Unfortunately, you’re only insured for the replacement cost. Also, shark attacks are an act of God.
Customer (scratches nails down the blackboard that I somehow have in my fancy insurance office): Argh. You suck.
Me: I’m sorry, Mr. Quinn. I CAN, however, provide some funds for the purchase of extra scuba tanks and a rifle.
Customer: I can’t see how that would be helpful, but whatevs.

7) Broadband Specialist

Me: I hear the internet is slow. Where do we keep the extra wire-y type things?
Staff: In the warehouse. Be careful when you go in—it has self-esteem issues.

As you can see, I would be amazing at so many of the jobs that LinkedIn is offering me. Luckily for me, and the rest of the working world, I already have a job. At least for the next three months—if you need me after that, you know where I am.

47 thoughts on “LinkedIn: I Am Good At All The Jobs”

  2. 😝🤣😂😆😝
    This was awesome Suzanne! I agree you’d be perfect for any of these jobs. I too get all kinds of alerts for jobs I haven’t done or haven’t done in decades. Like one in particular, welding supervisor I’m like WTF!? Or over the road long haul driver, seriously LinkedIn, get your shit together. You know what I’ve done for the past 4 years, tell me something familiar here 🤔🙄.

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  3. Apparently you’d be excellent at all those jobs, Suzanne. I actually was a Team Leader of Change Implementation for about 4 years. And no one wanted to change – especially those who were responsible for the company needing the change in the first place. Lol. I think insuring boats is the perfect fit. Enjoy. And thanks for the laughs.

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  4. Love the French accent:) LinkedIn thinks I’d be a good engineer. Also, the word “writer,” in my profile, instantly seems to kickstart job offers for code writing. Why? Why? I’m a “regular” writer, which is why I should probably start posting my blog posts on LinkedIn, though nothing professional ever happens in any of my blog posts. I’d be banned for sure.

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  5. Bear Humphreys says:

    LinkedIn seems to be a good antidote to any worries about the prevalence of AI taking over humanity anytime soon… the same sort of cleverness which means you are followed around the web for months by adverts for stuff you already bought.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Clever, one and all.

    Oddly, even a subterranean rodent can get a linkedin account… Who’d a figured?

    https://www.linkedin.com/in/anonymole/

    (… grumbles in the background, “I am NOT a rodent!”)

    As an equal opportunity employer, I have an upcoming open position regarding Entertainment Director on a fleet of recently purchased (slightly used) SpaceX Starships. Interested?

    Liked by 3 people

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  10. The use of the quotes around “professional” and its derivatives in your post is exactly the reason you and I would hang out all the time if we were neighbors! You get it. Please keep hunting for jobs—we all need the entertainment!

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  12. My granddaughter put me on it years ago, but I am not looking for a job. I did receive messages from some relatives I hadn’t seen in a while, so that was nice. wP might need to put on an ad🙄😬

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  13. I think I have an account, but I so don’t get the website, that I wouldn’t know how to do anything with it… If you ever apply as Linkedin half-bilingual, inspiring tutor, let me know (but not through my Linkedin account, thank you very much!), I’ll make sure to subcribe to your classes. Oh, and I promise to be fairly enthusiastic, whatevs! 😉

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  15. Suddenly LinkedIn seems like a lot more fun and not just the annoying source of spam e-mails it’s been ever since I stupidly signed up for it because some guy I only knew “professionally” sent me a request. The funny thing is I originally signed up for Facebook for the same reason, and should probably get back to it and share how cold it is because my desk is right in front of an air vent, but whatevs.
    Anyway I found it really interesting that your description of “Team Leader, Change Implementation” sounded similar to a description I once heard a scientist give about how viruses work. He said a virus is like a guy who goes into a shoe factory and forces all the workers to suddenly start making ice cream. What I’m getting at is if you took that job you’d be sure to go viral.

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  16. HA! Linked in was just another place where male personages came out of the cyber – woodwork to ask me to connect or in some cases to reconnect (and that’s a long story.) Arrgh. On the plus side, on LI I found a cousin, whom I’d never met and actually met him. He’s a very good person. Lots of laughs! On the other hand, when I was still looking for work, the job descriptions were so long and detailed that they read as though they were asking for 3 indentured servants.

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