J.K.

I woke up on Thursday morning to a notification that I had a new comment to moderate on my blog. I have things set so that any new commenter has to be approved, and then once approved has carte blanche to say anything they like. Spam, of course, is filtered out right away; otherwise, my entire site would be littered with people encouraging me to buy backrest pillows shaped like baseball caps, kamagra jelly, various antibiotics and other drugs, and comments like:

“It’s perfect time to make a few plans for the future and it’s time to be happy.
I’ve read this publish and if I may just I desire to recommend you some fascinating
issues or advice. Perhaps you can write next articles regarding
this article. I want to learn more issues about it!”

Or

“I have been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never
found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me.
In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet
will be much more useful than ever before.”

And while I’m happy to be making the internet more useful than ever before, I am very aware that these are just autobots. So imagine my surprise on a sunny Thursday morning to discover that J.K Rowling HERSELF had left a comment on my blog to be moderated. It was a particularly eloquent comment too. Now, before I tell you what the comment was, I should probably state for the record that, while I love Harry Potter, the books AND the movies, I am NOT, for personal reasons, a huge J.K. Rowling fan and I may or may not have responded to her more transphobic tweets by telling her exactly how I felt about her. Still, she took the time to read my blog and even better, she left a comment on my About page. The comment read as follows:

Trash ass blog? That’s the best you can do, J.K.? Not even a cool spell like ‘Trashicus Assicus Blogamundo!’? And it’s obvious that her editors had washed their hands of this pithy tome, with nary an upper-case letter in sight. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In addition, J.K., my ass is not trash and I have the receipts, and by receipts I mean the results of my last colorectal screening, to prove it. But then it occurred to me—maybe this wasn’t really J.K. Rowling. But I looked up the website and it took me straight to Wizarding World: The Official Home of Harry Potter. The email address was jkrowling@gmail.com. Hmmm. Seemed legit. Perhaps this was her revenge for that tweet I sent. So I emailed her and asked if she had posted a comment on my blog, and wouldn’t you know it? She must have been so ashamed of herself that she deleted her email address because my email got immediately bounced back.

And now I’m starting to wonder if this is, perhaps, the work of an imposter, albeit one with terrible writing skills and a definite lack of humour, an imposter who has gone to an awful lot of trouble only to leave an incredibly stupid comment on my About page. Actually, it’s even more nonsensical, because the comment was a reply to a reply that I had given to someone else’s comment, not even on one of the posts where I mention anything to do with Harry Potter. This is one of my favourites—thanks fake J.K. for giving me an excuse to promote it:

Fan Question 2) Who do you call if you have a noisy bathroom fan?

I Fix Noisy Bath Fans

Apparently you call this guy—talk about a niche market. I can picture the high school Careers class with the teacher asking everyone, “So what do you want to do when you get out of high school?” and the one guy just lighting up: “I want to fix noisy bathroom fans!” and the teacher saying, “Amazing—there’s a school JUST for that! It’s called Hogwarts!” I don’t know why I thought of Hogwarts, but it made me laugh so hard picturing this guy at a school for magic and wizardry pointing his wand and yelling ‘Reparo’ at bathroom fans. Also, his name in this strange divergency is ‘Tim’ as in the following conversation:

Dumbledore: Hmm. My bathroom fan seems to be on the fritz. Someone get Tim—he’s the best at repairing noisy bathroom fans.
Tim: Reparo!
Dumbledore: Thank you, Tim. Have a lemon drop.

Honestly, if I was going to create a fake name, website, and email address just to say something snarky on a person’s blog, I would at least have made the comment worth reading, like “A backrest pillow for bed that provides a soft and comfortable material is perfect. It’s going to support your entire body, so the aches in your shoulders and back will disappear. This will give you the best night’s sleep you can have, allowing you to wake up refreshed and ready to face the day.” Now THAT’S useful information.

Update: Apparently the dumb f*ck masquerading as J.K. Rowling clicked on other people who had commented previously on my About Page and left them rude comments too. Weirdo.

Quilt Update: 8 and 1/3 rows and then my 1936 Singer sewing machine had a nervous breakdown. I’ve borrowed Ken’s mom’s machine and now I have to figure out how THAT works.

42 thoughts on “J.K.”

  2. Why would anyone want to impersonate JK Rowling? That’s just stupid, that just shows that this “Impostor” lacks creativity. If I had to use a cover name, I’d use Angelina Jolie, because I can’t stand her….lol.

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    • Probably some thirteen year old looking for a laugh. Well, it gave me one anyway–I wasn’t as much offended as I was bemused. Plus it gave me something to write about in a pretty boring week!

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  6. Good luck!  I had an ancient Singer that worked perfectly but the new ones are very complicated.  Bobbins are my nemesis, so I gave it to my granddaughter.  Looks great so far☺️

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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  7. I had this one in my spam today: “Hi there, I hope you’re doing well. I handle influencer relations for LeggingsHut. Great to meet you! I stumbled across your account and thought your content would be perfect for us. If you feel we’d make a good fit, I’d love to invite you to our referral program. Use this link to visit, Sincerely, Leggings Cash Team Judy”. Granted, it is considerably more sensible than the usual “I have been impressed with your great style writing of much knowledgeable in the subject matter” but one has to wonder what a blog dedicated to Fifteen could possibly do for a site that (I assume) sells leggings. From a hut. Happy Mothers Day, Suzanne!

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    • Agh, I get both of those types all the time–my knowledge of many subject matters is impressing multitudes of bots! Also, I’ve been getting these weird conversational comments about under the counter jar openers. Very strange.

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  11. I am guffawing again. You are making Sunday brighter. We had 🌝 today too! Those darn bots! They go on and on, don’t they?
    Sorry to hear about your sewing machine breaking down. Glad to hear a replacement is keeping the project going! More pics please?
    As for the gleeb who plopped into your blog, cheesh! Totally a bore ass.
    2021 is continuing to be the year of “please stand by we are having technical difficulty.”My long-lived vacuum cleaner died some weeks back. I sort of accidentally killed the engine, when the air hose folded over and burned out the motor. *Sigh* I spent way too much time researching a replacement vacuum. In desperation I went to buy a canister vacuum that the store said they had in stock. They lied! I bought an upright. It didn’t work. I called the company. They said return it. Standing in line with the vacuum in a cart, I have to talk loudly because of the plexiglass barrier. A young guy next to me at the next window, shook his head in sympathy and said to me the brand name of the vacuum, “they always break down.” He recommended another brand to me. I was convinced by what he told me. “Do they make a canister vacuum?” Yes.
    My new vacuum works great. But I can’t figure out the directions that describe how to put the strap on it!
    AI must have written it. Bot speak no doubt. Have a great week!

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  12. I haven’t read a single word written by J.K. Rowling before, but now I’m curious about this trash ass blog. Maybe I can get some good ideas for my next humorous essay. It’s really hard to concentrate on blogging when your bathroom fan’s making all that racket…

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  14. I’m guessing you’ve heard the theory that in Rowling’s world witches and wizards don’t even need toilets because they can vanish away their bodily functions, which just tells me some people have really been overthinking the logistics of the wizarding world. And it would put Tim out of a job, which I don’t want to do. In fact I bet Tim is a very nice person, possibly even a transgender person, who’d be perfectly welcome to fix my noisy bath fan if I had one.
    Now I’m wondering if it’s possible to make a bath fan noisy just to throw some work Tim’s way and I’m really overthinking the logistics of this.

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  16. That was a riot, Suzanne. Spam filters do a decent job, but every once in a while those ridiculous autobots get through. I don’t even understand the point. Do they really think we’re fooled? And how cool to have JK Rowling as a blog fan even if she trashes you. Lol. Happy Sewing.

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  17. What I can’t figure out is if that guy makes noisy bathroom fans less noisy, or if he just happens to specialize in fixing noisy fans that have fallen into a state of disrepair irrespective of the sounds they make. Depending on the answer, I may or may not require his services…

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