Well, it’s that time of year again, the time of year where we’re barely into November but the Christmas decorations are already up in the stores, carols are playing on the radio, the fireplace is merrily and virtually burning on the flatscreen, and the Bits and Pieces gift catalogue has arrived. And nothing says the holiday season quite like a cheap plastic puzzle box or a pantless garden gnome.
But just like every year, tucked in among the pornographic elves, the interminable pages of jigsaw puzzles and the novelty socks, there are always a few treasures. So without further ado, here are my favourite top 5:
1) Night Vision Binoculars:
For 39.99, you can “see a little bit more in darkness” with these night vision goggles that allow you to “hone in on any desired object”. Exactly WHO are we marketing to here? Someone sitting in their room at night, honing in on desired objects like, perhaps, the young pretty neighbour next door? The description also says these binoculars are “perfect for spying or just keeping track of what goes on in the night”:
Wife: Honey, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: But you’re sitting here in the dark with a pair of binocul—hey, are you spying?
Husband (affronted): No! I’m just keeping track of what goes on in the night, thank you very much!
Wife: Oh, well that’s normal.
Apparently, they come with a Velcro headband that “fits most”. It doesn’t specify most WHAT, but I think we can all guess.
2) Screaming Flying Monkey:
This is the official mascot of 2020.
3) Personalized “Hide Your Stash” Cylinder:
This ingenious invention is a small metal cylinder made out of “waterproof aluminum” (as opposed to the kind that gets really soggy when wet) and can be used to hide your “treasured possessions or emergency medicine”. The best thing about the cylinder is that you can personalize it with your own name. The stupidest thing about the cylinder is that it comes with the word STASH already engraved on it:
Robber: Stick ‘em up. Give me your stash.
Victim: But I don’t have a stash!
Robber: Nice try. It says Michael’s Stash right there on that cylinder you have attached to your belt. Hand it over.
Victim (despondent): Oh, my treasures!
Robber: Ooh, is this weed? Nice stash, man! Thanks!
Victim: How did it all go so wrong?
4) Beard Baubles:
As if things aren’t bad enough, now men can decorate their beards with tiny Christmas tree ornaments, thanks to Bits and Pieces. If the Screaming Flying Monkey is the official mascot of 2020, then Beard Baubles is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse, right after the release of the Four Horsemen. According to Saint John, “I saw the beast with 7 heads, 10 horns, and 12 beard baubles coming out of the sea.” It was prophetic. Of course, Saint John also said, “If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword they will be killed”, so some of his prophecies were a tad self-evident.
5) Weener Kleener Soap:
This is on the same page in the catalogue as the fibre optic Christmas tree and kitty cat slippers, and it really blows the whole family-friendly vibe out of the water. This soap is shaped like a donut and is designed to have a manpart inserted through it for the purpose of personal hygiene which, according to the package, has “never been so stimulating”. It also boasts that one size fits MOST men.
Husband: Hey, this dang Weener Kleener doesn’t fit my weener! It’s all loosey-goosey and whatnot!
Wife: As I’ve long suspected, you’re just not like most men. Sigh.
All of the information on the package is also extremely sexual and doesn’t bear repeating here, but I’m sure you can imagine. My favourite part is the warning at the bottom that if the Weener Kleener becomes stuck, “soak the area with cold water”, I assume to provide the necessary shrinkage. To quote George Costanza, “I was in the pool!”
I perused the entire catalogue and the only thing I’d even consider is the tin of “bacon bandages”, mainly because it says there’s a prize inside the container. But if the prize isn’t ACTUAL bacon, I want my damn money back.
Why pay so much for a blow up doll when a “bar” of Weener Cleener soap will take care of all your needs instead! And it makes one wonder…….. is there a ladies equivalent to the Weener Cleener?
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The Vaginer Shiner? Eek!
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You need to trademark that name before someone else does!
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🤣🤣
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Lucky I was not sipping coffee at the time I read this, because I have learned from past experience! Made my day of course. I stopped receiving catalogs and charity pleas a long time ago at this time of year. I started throwing them all in the recycle bin and I guess the message was received. I don’t have a second income anymore and sacrifices like the ones above have to be made.
Loved it as always. S!🎅🏻
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Yes, I’ll never actually order anything—I just love reading the bizarre descriptions!
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Certainly interesting. And joke presents maybe? I can’t afford those anymore, but I used to do it.
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I’d ask my money back too. And if I could say no to one thing about Christmas, it would be carols.
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I’m all about the bacon, especially on a Sunday morning 😁
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Back home people make excellent bacon. Home-made, of course, and eaten any time.
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All day breakfast 😊
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Yay!
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Ahhh! I love looking through the Christmas catalogs. We never buy anything, but I love, love, love to look at them. Cheers!
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Same here, although we’ve ordered jigsaw puzzles for Ken’s mom before 😊
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I look forward to your post every week. I laughed so hard at all of these. The weener kleener one though omg I died. Thank you so much for sharing these today. 🙂 Am going to reblog this on The Wonderful & Wacky because it needs to be shared. Have a great day Canadian neighbor! 🙂
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Thank you so much—you have a wonderful Sunday!
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Most welcome. 🤓💜
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Oh darn. My husband just got rid of his beard or I would have gotten some. I wonder how they adhere – like loop/wire earrings?
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Little clips, I think. It would be even better if they jingled🤣🤣
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Jingle beard, jingle beard, jingle all the way…..
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🤣🤣
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OMG I just received the catalog in the mail today! Coincidence? I think not! Are they just sending them to anybody?
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Omg wait til you see all the pervy elves!
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Reblogged this on The Wonderful and Wacky World of One Single Mom and commented:
This post is hilarious. You must must read no matter what. This is awesome Sunday fun. 🙂
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OMG. I laughed my head off at the beard baubles, and then read about the Weener Kleeners and spit out my coffee. I don’t know where you find this stuff. What a hoot. Thanks for the hilarious post and the morning laugh.
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Oh, it finds me—I’m like a weird magnet!
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lol. I think you are!
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Which catalogs did you sign up for 🤔 🤣😂🤣
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I never signed up for it—it just started arriving one day!
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Lol
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Elaine – are you thinking what I’m thinking? that someone knows Suzanne’s taste? lolol
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Exactly lol
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🤣🤣🤣
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At first I thought the elf with its bum exposed was the worst thing I’d see. Does it make farting noises? Do I even want to know? When I was a kid some friends of my parents got this weird thing they hung over an internal door in their house. It was an old woman’s face with a necktie hanging down. You pulled the necktie and a stream of water would shoot out of the mouth at you. Then the face would let out this wicked cackle. It was actually kind of funny but I could never figure out why anyone would pull the necktie. Then I got to the soap. And that’s pretty disturbing.
But the flying screaming monkey? There’s so much wrong about that. It should have a little fez and a cape and wings and it should also be green. Not all monkeys wear capes.
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No, it wolf-whistles at people! And yes, the screaming flying monkey is the perfect metaphor made only better by a fez and cape!
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I REALLY needed this laugh today, thank you SO much! Hilarious!
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All I really want for Christmas this year is a pantsless gnome with a clean ding-dong and a secure container in which to hold his crystal methamphetamine. I wish I knew someone who could make that happen.
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I might be able to help…
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Normally, I would respond to that, but I have breaking news instead: I just pre-ordered The Seventh Devil! Now I have 2 great reasons to eagerly await January 21, 2021.
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Thank you so much but January? I thought it wasn’t available til June!
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Well, Amazon has never been a stickler for accuracy!
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Hopefully they know something I don’t know!
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Oh man we had a catalog here like that back in the day, although I can’t quite remember the name of it. It was probably the same company, because the pant less garden gnome sounds familiar. Oh I remember now, it was called Hot Topics Catalog.
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What is the deal with pantless garden gnomes?! This catalog had 4 different ones and they were all horrifyingly porn-y!
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I suppose they are meant to scare the neighbors into staying off your lawn.
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🤣🤣
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Weener Cleaner? So ‘Penis Polisher’ was already gone? Dick Degreaser? Wang Wiper? Johnson Janitor? So many possibilities, must have been a heated product meeting at Acme.
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Acme makes the best genitalia hygiene products 😁
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I don’t have to wonder why your home was targeted by this catalog as a “shoe-in win.” (“She’s got 14 broken clocks, she’ll love our catalog.”)
The Wicked Witch of the West stands in the open high window of her gloomy castle. She lifts a furry bundle from a box at her feet, inserts her taloned fingers thusly, stretches the poor creatures legs to near snapping and looses the screaming flying monkey, followed by another, and another. “And don’t come back without the dog!”
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The only click they sell is a math clock, which I did NOT buy but I did write about. And that last part made me laugh out loud—good job Ken’s driving!
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The beard baubles are proof of the decline of western civilization.
But the screaming flying monkey?! I’ve gotta have it!! I could really use that thing at the office.
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It would certainly signal the beginning of a meeting quite well!
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I asked my niece and nephews for a “top secret” Christmas list and received i list much like this one in return – items cut out of a catalogue and scotch taped to the paper, like a ransom list for Santa. No weiner soap, but I’m tempted to include it, I think it would be quite popular with the boys…and of course Ella would not want to be left out.
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I have a feeling most boys would like the Werner soap. As far as catalogs for kids go, there ARE a few fun things in this one, aside from all the weird stuff!
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Sign me up for a flying screaming monkey!
My 3 year old asked me for a ‘flossing sloth’ the other day, I thought I’d misheard her but no, there is a toy sloth in existence that does the floss dance when you press his nose…
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Does it floss VERY slowly? Lol! Btw, we watched Boys In The Band last night—so good!!
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It…actually does ha! Oh I’m SO glad!
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Deep guffawing here. omg. Could there be anything more repulsive than beard baubles? I’m pretty disturbed by all the weird beards that are popular.
Was it Peter the Great of Russia…? Yup. “In 1698, Emperor Peter I of Russia instituted a beard tax to bring Russian society in line with Western European models. To enforce the ban on beards, the Tsar empowered police to forcibly and publicly shave those who refused to pay the tax.” I can’t help it, when I see beards I think of the illustrated world history lesson I had at school. These factoids never do go away. As usual, I digress.
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Beard tax–that’s hilarious! It’s always amazing to me how fashions come and go:-)
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Yup.
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You’ve just made my day with the flying monkey and the beard baubles. How on earth do people come up with these ideas?
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Oh. My. God. I am so happy to be back in the blogging world for this post alone. 😂 I have so many thoughts. Not sure which item I find more disturbing but I am leaning towards beard baubles. No. However, the Weener Kleener is rather unsettling. Thanks for the laugh, Suzanne, and for bringing these brilliant items to my attention. Amazing.
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You’re back–hooray!!
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Great gift ideas! Something for everyone- from the pervert in the bushes to the middle age man who takes viagara before he showers. 🙂
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🤣🤣🤣
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