Signs of the Apocalypse

No, the title of this post does not refer to coronavirus, or Covid-19 as it’s now being call in order to spare Corona beer from further stock losses. Although, if you want an absolute sign that the end is nigh, take a look at this picture I took at the grocery store on Friday of the toilet paper aisle.

 The fact that people are fighting over TOILET PAPER in the face of a global pandemic is a very good indication that a great many human beings are simply too stupid to live—if hoarding bleached paper to clean your ass is what’s most important to you, then I weep for our civilization.

Anyway. Last week, Ken and I were driving north to see his parents, and to get there, we have to go through this cross-country corridor of weirdness where people with more money than brains spend their time erecting signs, some of which simply boggle the mind. Here’s the first:

1)

Just in case you can’t read it, this sign says, “Don’t B!tch About The Farmer With Your Mouth Full!” and underneath it asks “What’s Your Contribution?” Now, none of this makes any sense at all. First, you can’t b*tch about ANYTHING with your mouth full. If you try, no one can understand what you’re saying and then they get mad at you for spitting potato or chicken or whatnot at them. Swallow first; complain later. That should be the motto of all whiny people. Second, I’m 54 years old and I’ve LITERALLY NEVER heard anyone complain about ‘the farmer’. Like who’s going around saying, “Those goddamn farmers and their CROPS. They should be ashamed of the way they make sure we get calcium from their UNHOLY MILK”. Where did the animosity on this sign come from?! Is it, like, one disgruntled farmer fed up with being kept down by ‘the man’?

The Man: Hey Farmer Bob, your combine is blocking my driveway again. Would you mind moving it?
Farmer Bob: DON’T B!TCH ABOUT THE FARMER, DAN.
The Man: I wasn’t b*tching, I just—
Farmer Bob: IS YOUR MOUTH FULL, DAN?
The Man: What? No, I only—
Farmer Bob: I WILL MAKE A SIGN. WHAT’S YOUR CONTRIBUTION, DAN?
The Man: I’m not giving you any money for a sign; I need you to move your combine.
Farmer Bob: TYPICAL OF THE MAN.

The most ironic thing about this sign is that it’s not on a farmer’s field—it’s actually next to a railroad bridge in a swamp, so I guess Farmer Bob has bigger worries than Dan The Man. (For the record, Ken grew up on a dairy farm, and I love farmers, obviously, and if anyone ever b*tched about them in my presence, I would set them straight.)

2) And then there was the sign in a small town we went through that had two words on it: Landfill Cenotaph. There was a single arrow pointing down a side road. So the cenotaph is in a landfill? Or is it a memorial TO a landfill? Either way, that’s not very respectful to our veterans, and it makes Remembrance Day ceremonies awkward:

MC: Let’s have a moment of silence in remembrance of all of those who fought—hey! Can you turn off the bulldozers for one hot second?! Jeesh!

3) One of my favourites is this sign advertising a garden centre in Listowel:

Gardening with Attitude? Do drag queens work there? Surly teens, perhaps? All I could think of was this:

Customer: Hi, I’d like to buy a shrubbery. One that looks nice, and not too expensive.
Garden Centre Worker: F*ck off!
Customer: Wow, that’s some attitude you have there.

4) Finally, there are always the ‘Come to Jesus’ billboards and my absolute favourite is the one that reads, “Jesus said, ‘The only way to my Father is through me’:

Me: Did you see that sign? I don’t believe Jesus said that.
Ken: What? Why not?
Me: Well, don’t you think it sounds a little violent? I never think of Jesus like that. You’ve read the Bible. Did Jesus really say that?
Ken: I don’t remember.
Me: No. From what I know about Jesus, he would have said something more like, “It would be really nice and super swell if you could let me help you find your way to my Dad”. Something non-aggressive, you know. That sign makes it seem like there’s going to be a bar fight, and Jesus is all like, “Hold my beer! You’ll have to get through ME to get to HIM!” like Liam Neeson or The Rock or something.
Ken: OK…
Me: Or John Wick—ooh! Like John Wick 4: The Resurrection!
Ken: You really don’t know much about the Bible, do you?
Me: I saw Jesus Christ: Superstar. I could totally picture John Wick Jesus kicking over those moneylending tables in the temple then pulling out a machine gun–
Ken: That’s not what happened.
Me: But in John Wick 4: The Resurrection, it would be a flea market where unscrupulous grifters were selling hoarded toilet paper and hand sanitizer for outrageous prices.
Ken: I’d watch that.

I was trying to think of what people could do with the hundreds of rolls of toilet paper they bought once the pandemic is over and I have a couple of ideas—instead of hunting for Easter candy, you can hide toilet paper around your house and watch the kids squeal with delight as they locate each one. Or you can do my favourite thing of all—make a Toilet Pirate. Meet Captain John Crapper:

66 thoughts on “Signs of the Apocalypse”

  1. Bryntin says:

    Oi, Dangly, is that your loo…? What happened? Plumber lost the placement plan so just went with ‘I know, a jaunty angle…’?
    That gap at the back must be a dark and demonic place of entire spider civilisations.
    Probably should have a sign made for it. “Don’t B!tch at us, it was the Plumber!”

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  4. science_girrrrrl says:

    My mom yelled at me for trying to make myself a Captain John Crapper…
    “Gardening with Attitude!”
    Why, yelling-at-your-oh-so-lovely-daughter-who-was-about-to-create-an-astonishing-bit-of-plumbing-art-that-wasn’t-even-her-idea with Attitude seems way more apt.
    Oh man, now she’s making me go buy a fresh pack of toilet paper because she’s paranoid that I’ve somehow infected the toilet paper with COVID-19…
    (people these days, I tell you.)
    How’s everything there??
    I better be on my way…
    Cheerio!

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  5. I think the unsung victim in all this is my neighbor, Steve. He’s got the best tree in the whole neighborhood and it’s base is down a steep, dark driveway in the back of a cul-de-sac. The kids love it when (a) school’s out, and (b) they have extra toilet paper. Last December, while home on vacation, we chased two groups of kids away during the week (one stupid group as early as 9 pm!) and he still got fully hit twice. Terrible mess. This is going to be a long summer for Steve.

    Maybe I’ll find a nice sign to put at the end of the road that reads “Please don’t toilet paper the tree at the end of the road down the bottom of the dark driveway; the occupant sleeps early.”

    Yeah, that’ll stop ’em. Probably kids of farmers. 🙄

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  6. Oh man, I’d so go see John Wick 4- The Resurrection! That would be one bad ass moi e my friend, for damned sure. And I’m about at the end of my rope with all these stupid people hoarding toilet appear and them not even knowing what the hell they’re buying it! I call it the “Stupocalypse” where the stupid people will buy everything they DONT need then dye because they failed to buy essentials. Then those us us who were smart enough not to panic, can raid their home when they’re dead for the toilet paper, hand sanitizer and, why not, their cars…..just sayin’. 🤣😂😃

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  7. Merbear74 says:

    Thankfully I have like 19 rolls of TP already before this whole thing even became a thing, so I think my ass is covered. And if we run out, my daughter said she’ll pilfer some from her workplace.

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  8. The only farmer I know anyone complains about is Major Major’s father in Catch 22 who gets paid for not growing alfalfa. Oh, and a distant relative whom I knew growing up as “Uncle Elmer”, but it wasn’t his farming people complained about. It was his stupidity. He had a brother named Edwin and my grandfather would say between them they had one brain and Edwin was using it most of the time.
    Anyway I really like Gardening With Attitude. I wouldn’t want drag queens to get their dresses dirty but I do think they’d have some amazing overalls.

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  11. Genuinely inspired. Signs and wonders indeed. I once saw a sign on a girlie bar in Manila that read ‘Ladies, leave you husbands here and shop in peace’. As to the prepper madness, my neighbour, who’s a bit deaf, only heard the ‘rolls’ bit and now he has a garage full of stale hamburger buns.

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  17. The hoarded paper will be returned en masse to stores for refunds once everyone realizes the world is not going to end (or the CDC quits trying to put us all in virtual prison). Yes, it absolutely will! In a month or two, stores (at least the chain I work for which will take almost anything back) will be flooded with toilet paper (and most of the other stuff people are needlessly buying) and the hoarders will get their mad money back…

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  21. Pingback: Measures Learned – Michael Seidel, writer

  23. I am beginning to see the type of friends I have. It’s fascinating. Some will base their opinion on facts while others are running to the hills (or their broom closet) convinced the military is coming. I’m not really sure what the military will do once they arrive. My friend’s broom closet has really thick doors. Kind of hard to hear them.

    When this ends I believe many of us will have serious views of the people around us. Fascinating times, I say.

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  24. I grew up on The Road Warrior, and I was distinctly led to believe that in the scorched-earth apocalypse, we’d all be fighting over jugs of gasoline in armored V8 Interceptors, not rolls of Charmin in wobbly shopping carts! Mad Max: Fury Road? More like Mad Max: Roadside Rest Stop!

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  26. Oh Suzanne, you brilliant light of funny goodness!!! I thought Joe and I were the only ones who had conversations about Jesus that often contain the phrase,”from what I know about Jesus”. That’s me who says that by the way, and I know pretty much nothing about Jesus, whereas Joe is a former catholic. I absolutely adore you!!!!!

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