Cereal Killers and Other Stories

So tonight we’re all going to see a very well-known comedian, and I’m writing this on Friday afternoon, because every time I watch one of his specials on Netflix, he does a whole bit about something that I’ve written about, like once I did a post about revolving doors and escalators, and then about a month later, I watched one of his shows and he was talking about the exact same thing. And I was like, “Hey, he plagiarized me!” But then I realized that his special had been taped two years before, and then all I could think was “Hey, great minds think alike!” or as my dear old dad would say, “Fools never differ”. So right now, I’m hedging my bets, and if Jim Gaffigan talks at all tonight about cereal, or ninja utility tools, or Gumby, or MY DOG, I’ll know there’s something weird going on. Weird-ER any way.

Cereal Killers

I was at the grocery store today and realized with absolute certainty that the end of days is nigh. No, it’s not because of politics or pandemics, or even pollution. No, it’s because of this:

Yep. It’s cereal that tastes like chocolate glazed donut holes, or as we call them in Canada, “Timbits”, and all I can think is “Dear god, why?!” I mean, when I was a kid there were sugar-y cereals, but at least they didn’t pretend to be anything other than cereal. I remember begging my mom for some Captain Crunch, and then being disgusted by how sweet it was and also how long it took to get my upper and lower teeth to unstick from each other. There was Trix and Lucky Charms of course, which had weird-ass marshmallows in it, and Count Chocula for the Goth kids, but it was still mostly cereal. When I got older, I ate Froot Loops a lot (guess how many years it took before I actually looked at the box and realized it wasn’t FRUIT Loops?) and switched to Corn Pops when I had to take gluten out of my diet. Now I just eat yogurt and a lot of gummy vitamins, which is like healthy candy. But TIMBITS cereal? What has the world come to when parents will be feeding their children bowls of chocolate donuts for breakfast? (You can also get it in Birthday Cake as in Happy Birthday, I Got You Clogged Arteries!). And then I Googled “Chocolate Donut Cereal” and THERE ARE MORE! Kellogg’s has “Donut Shop” cereal and Captain Crunch has “Choco Donuts”. So I guess Tim Horton’s is just jumping on the bandwagon. The delicious, apocalyptic bandwagon.

Batman Should Have One Of These

I was recently at a presentation at the secret agency and the people who were presenting brought us swag and it was the best swag ever. There was a cool canvas laptop bag, notepads, those silky things you clean your glasses with, and this crazy utility tool:

It’s like the perfect tool if you’re a ninja on a picnic. You can open bottles and peel sh*t, and then silently slit your enemies’ throats with the box cutter. I could have used one of these when I was trying to MacGyver my broken toilet. The only thing it doesn’t have is an Allen key, which is a bit disappointing, but so is anything you have to put together with an Allen key.

I’m Gumby, Dammit!

When I opened my Christmas stocking, I found a little Gumby in it.

Me: Why did you get me a Gumby for Christmas?
Ken: Because we were watching Saturday Night Live the other night and you were like ‘Oh my god, I f*cking LOVE Gumby’.
Me: I was talking about Eddie Murphy.
Ken: Oh. Look, you can adjust his arms and legs. You can put one hand on his hip to make him look sassy.

Anyway, I took Gumby to work and put him in my window, with his arms in the air and his face pressed up against the glass like my office was an insane asylum he wanted to escape from.

A little while later, I heard a sound like “Whoa!” coming from the cubicle across from my office where the Very Nice Gentleman I work with sits:

Me: What’s wrong?
VNG: I just looked up and your Gumby is staring right at me. It’s a little disconcerting.
Me: Do you want me to move him?
VNG: No, I’m sure I’ll get used to him…

Now I need to get a Pokey (as the actress said to the bishop).

This Dog

Ken is an extremely talented photographer and he got this shot of Titus outside in the snow.

So there you are. I’ll be updating this post tomorrow after the show, and if Jim talks about any of this sh*t, I’ll let you know.

Update:

 He started to talk about Tim Horton’s and I slapped Ken and said, “See?!” but he just talked about how many stores there are, like they’re the stop signs of Canada, and didn’t mention the cereal, so it’s all good.

Also, one last thing. I hate to ask favours but if any of you have read my latest novel The Dome and liked it, would you mind leaving a short review on Amazon or Chapters Indigo or Goodreads or whatever? I know a couple of you already have, and it means the world to me. If you don’t want to, no problem—I know it’s not everyone’s thing.

59 thoughts on “Cereal Killers and Other Stories

  1. In reverse order:

    Yes, I will! I mean, when I’m done. Some time around August of last year I started a book, set it aside, started another book, set it aside, started another book, yadda yadda yadda. In short, I couldn’t buy an attention span. So I decided to let it all go for a few months and watch football. Last month I went back to one of those books (Stumbling Into Happiness, terrible btw) and forced myself to continue until the end. I caught momentum and finished it yesterday. I’m back (I think). The next book on my list was yours and I consumed the first 20 pages this morning. Review coming! Oh, and Canada is all backwards in your book. 😉

    I want to roll in the snow with Titus!

    I have been running into Gumby everywhere lately. What’s up with Gumby? Him and Mr Peabody. Everywhere.

    I don’t know what this says about me, but I immediately went “Ohhh! It has a bottle opener!” Yeah, I’m the guy with one of those on his flip flops.

    When I was young my favorite cereal was … Chex. Chex or Wheaties. I was a weird kid. I liked Lucky Charms, I thought, for the marshmallows, but when I got a bag of just the marshmallows they weren’t that good. So I guess I liked the tasteless other stuff in it. Oh, and I favored Banana Quik over Chocolate. Like I said. Weird kid.

    Liked by 4 people

    • My first reaction to the utility tool was “Oh, this looks VERY sharp!” which probably says a lot about me too! Remember the days when the only way you could get chocolate milk was by using the tin of powder, and then they came out with the different flavours of syrup and all the children rejoiced? And I hope you like the book

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s really hard to concentrate on anything else after seeing that picture of Titus rolling in the snow, and thinking about how much I need to go and leave a positive review of your book everywhere–maybe this is that prompt I need to finally create a Goodreads account–but anyway I’m surprised Jim Gaffigan didn’t talk about cereal. Maybe he wouldn’t know Timbits, but he’s probably seen that there’s now a Twinkies cereal which is even worse–I get a cavity just thinking about it–and it seems like exactly the sort of thing he’d talk about.
    Anyway here’s this. It’s not Eddie Murphy, but, well, not everything can be.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Wow, donut serial I thought I’d never that again. I know there was a donut serial in the 80’s but for the life of me, I can’t remember the name. But it must have not been good because it’s not memorable.

    The first thing I thought about the utility tool was, cool improv brass, or in this case, aluminum knuckles, lol.

    Titus looks unbelievably happy in that picture…….did he get into you wine again? 🤣😂😝

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I was waiting for you to mention what effect eating fruit loops might have had on your personality/sense of humor but maybe that would have been a nutty cereal. LOL!
    We have lots of Canadian stop signs here in Michigan Probably a good thing since there are also a lot of Canadian license plates. Awe! Titus looks so Happy! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh my gosh. I hear you about the cereal! I had a friend once who went to a Halloween party with empty boxes of cereal taped to him and with knives protruding from the boxes. He was a cereal killer and it was the funniest costume! This post reminded me of that. It was a happy memory! 🙂 I will check out your book. I didn’t know you had written one! Congrats!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I looked for your post first thing when I woke up this morning and was sad that I didn’t see it yet. My kiddos picked me up and took me out for breakfast (not the cereal kind), I’m stuffed, and now your post is here. NOW my morning is complete! Have a great day P1!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Timbits cereal sounds to me like the pinnacle of breakfast food! I love, love cereal, and while I usually eat something that at least vaguely resembles sounding healthy, I’d cross the border for some breakfast donut goodness! I hope you enjoyed the show! I listened to an audiobook written/performed by Jim Gaffigan—his tone perfectly fits his material.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am intrigued by the idea of timbits cereal, especially since I just finished my box of Reese’s Puffs. But can’t help but feel like it is going to mostly be flavours that no one wants – how better to capture the true timbits experience?

    Liked by 2 people

    • The little cruller ones were pretty good, I remember. I never really ate donuts before I had to stop eating gluten but I never wanted them badly enough to eat them in cereal! I worked in a donut store once called Swiss Pantry and the holes there were called Swiss Bits🤣🤣

      Like

  9. Ah, the days when cereal was cereal, and doughnuts were doughnuts, before we got all Jurassic Park gene-splicing experimental on our breakfasts (a term I use relatively, at that). Jeff Goldblum tried his damnedest to warn us: Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should

    Liked by 2 people

  10. So, I put Corn Pops on the grocery list, my husband said no. I said, they’re gluten free! He said you don’t have a gluten allergy… I said but I could… I could develop a gluten allergy and carry Gumby with me everywhere. He said, what? Why would you have Gumby? I said it doesn’t matter, you can buy some Captain Crunch…!!! We got Total Raisin Bran. Dang. 😉 thanks P1. All I want now is Corn Pops. And a Gumby doll.😆😆😆

    Liked by 2 people

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