So tonight we’re all going to see a very well-known comedian, and I’m writing this on Friday afternoon, because every time I watch one of his specials on Netflix, he does a whole bit about something that I’ve written about, like once I did a post about revolving doors and escalators, and then about a month later, I watched one of his shows and he was talking about the exact same thing. And I was like, “Hey, he plagiarized me!” But then I realized that his special had been taped two years before, and then all I could think was “Hey, great minds think alike!” or as my dear old dad would say, “Fools never differ”. So right now, I’m hedging my bets, and if Jim Gaffigan talks at all tonight about cereal, or ninja utility tools, or Gumby, or MY DOG, I’ll know there’s something weird going on. Weird-ER any way.
Cereal Killers
I was at the grocery store today and realized with absolute certainty that the end of days is nigh. No, it’s not because of politics or pandemics, or even pollution. No, it’s because of this:
Yep. It’s cereal that tastes like chocolate glazed donut holes, or as we call them in Canada, “Timbits”, and all I can think is “Dear god, why?!” I mean, when I was a kid there were sugar-y cereals, but at least they didn’t pretend to be anything other than cereal. I remember begging my mom for some Captain Crunch, and then being disgusted by how sweet it was and also how long it took to get my upper and lower teeth to unstick from each other. There was Trix and Lucky Charms of course, which had weird-ass marshmallows in it, and Count Chocula for the Goth kids, but it was still mostly cereal. When I got older, I ate Froot Loops a lot (guess how many years it took before I actually looked at the box and realized it wasn’t FRUIT Loops?) and switched to Corn Pops when I had to take gluten out of my diet. Now I just eat yogurt and a lot of gummy vitamins, which is like healthy candy. But TIMBITS cereal? What has the world come to when parents will be feeding their children bowls of chocolate donuts for breakfast? (You can also get it in Birthday Cake as in Happy Birthday, I Got You Clogged Arteries!). And then I Googled “Chocolate Donut Cereal” and THERE ARE MORE! Kellogg’s has “Donut Shop” cereal and Captain Crunch has “Choco Donuts”. So I guess Tim Horton’s is just jumping on the bandwagon. The delicious, apocalyptic bandwagon.
Batman Should Have One Of These
I was recently at a presentation at the secret agency and the people who were presenting brought us swag and it was the best swag ever. There was a cool canvas laptop bag, notepads, those silky things you clean your glasses with, and this crazy utility tool:
It’s like the perfect tool if you’re a ninja on a picnic. You can open bottles and peel sh*t, and then silently slit your enemies’ throats with the box cutter. I could have used one of these when I was trying to MacGyver my broken toilet. The only thing it doesn’t have is an Allen key, which is a bit disappointing, but so is anything you have to put together with an Allen key.
I’m Gumby, Dammit!
When I opened my Christmas stocking, I found a little Gumby in it.
Me: Why did you get me a Gumby for Christmas?
Ken: Because we were watching Saturday Night Live the other night and you were like ‘Oh my god, I f*cking LOVE Gumby’.
Me: I was talking about Eddie Murphy.
Ken: Oh. Look, you can adjust his arms and legs. You can put one hand on his hip to make him look sassy.
Anyway, I took Gumby to work and put him in my window, with his arms in the air and his face pressed up against the glass like my office was an insane asylum he wanted to escape from.
A little while later, I heard a sound like “Whoa!” coming from the cubicle across from my office where the Very Nice Gentleman I work with sits:
Me: What’s wrong?
VNG: I just looked up and your Gumby is staring right at me. It’s a little disconcerting.
Me: Do you want me to move him?
VNG: No, I’m sure I’ll get used to him…
Now I need to get a Pokey (as the actress said to the bishop).
This Dog
Ken is an extremely talented photographer and he got this shot of Titus outside in the snow.
So there you are. I’ll be updating this post tomorrow after the show, and if Jim talks about any of this sh*t, I’ll let you know.
Update:
He started to talk about Tim Horton’s and I slapped Ken and said, “See?!” but he just talked about how many stores there are, like they’re the stop signs of Canada, and didn’t mention the cereal, so it’s all good.
Also, one last thing. I hate to ask favours but if any of you have read my latest novel The Dome and liked it, would you mind leaving a short review on Amazon or Chapters Indigo or Goodreads or whatever? I know a couple of you already have, and it means the world to me. If you don’t want to, no problem—I know it’s not everyone’s thing.
Not gonna lie, most of these cultural references went over my head this week!
If you like comedians then may I recommend Dara O’Briain (pronounced O’Breen if you’ve not come across him before). He’s playing Toronto which I know is a place in Canada that you are familiar with 😉
https://www.mirvish.com/shows/dara-o-briain
LikeLiked by 3 people
I think I’ve heard clips from him before. And you’re telling me you don’t Gumby? Dammit!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dara’s a great stand-up with a razor sharp mind that enables him to do loads of riffing with the audience. He also presents Mock The Week comedy news panel show on the BBC.
Not a Scooby Doo what a Gumby is – from the picture I guess some kind of sticky stick man?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it was an claymation show in the 70s. His sidekick was a pony named Pokey😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, OK. We had Morph & his sidekick Chas. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morph_(animation)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw, he’s cute!
LikeLiked by 1 person
In reverse order:
Yes, I will! I mean, when I’m done. Some time around August of last year I started a book, set it aside, started another book, set it aside, started another book, yadda yadda yadda. In short, I couldn’t buy an attention span. So I decided to let it all go for a few months and watch football. Last month I went back to one of those books (Stumbling Into Happiness, terrible btw) and forced myself to continue until the end. I caught momentum and finished it yesterday. I’m back (I think). The next book on my list was yours and I consumed the first 20 pages this morning. Review coming! Oh, and Canada is all backwards in your book. 😉
I want to roll in the snow with Titus!
I have been running into Gumby everywhere lately. What’s up with Gumby? Him and Mr Peabody. Everywhere.
I don’t know what this says about me, but I immediately went “Ohhh! It has a bottle opener!” Yeah, I’m the guy with one of those on his flip flops.
When I was young my favorite cereal was … Chex. Chex or Wheaties. I was a weird kid. I liked Lucky Charms, I thought, for the marshmallows, but when I got a bag of just the marshmallows they weren’t that good. So I guess I liked the tasteless other stuff in it. Oh, and I favored Banana Quik over Chocolate. Like I said. Weird kid.
LikeLiked by 4 people
My first reaction to the utility tool was “Oh, this looks VERY sharp!” which probably says a lot about me too! Remember the days when the only way you could get chocolate milk was by using the tin of powder, and then they came out with the different flavours of syrup and all the children rejoiced? And I hope you like the book
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a cute picture, great for a Christmas card greeting😱
Sent from my iPad
>
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think my friends and family would be a little confused if I put the utility tool on a Christmas–oh wait, you mean TITUS! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your humor!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Tim Horton’s might as well just cut their losses and do an early release of the two new cereals they had planned for a future roll-out: Captain Ritalin and Adderall Puffs.
LikeLiked by 4 people
At least they don’t recommend using black coffee instead of milk to eat them with!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I absolutely love Jim Gaffigan, by the way. Have you heard him voicing the character of Henry Haber on Bob’s Burgers?
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I’ll have to check it out! His show was awesome by the way–we laughed so hard through the whole thing. It was being taped for a special so maybe we’ll be in it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Neat! I just recently realized for the first that more than half of the album A Show of Hands by Rush was recorded in 1986 at The Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ. That was the first Rush concert I ever attended. Similarly but somewhat less exciting, there’s one track on Husker Du’s live album that was recorded at a New York show I was at. I lost a shoe in the mosh pit of that show and had to walk around Manhattan wearing one sneaker and one sock, including a trip through the subway. Why the hell am I so loquacious today? I haven’t even had my bowl of chocolate donut holes yet.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re like Hitchcock, making cameos everywhere!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s really hard to concentrate on anything else after seeing that picture of Titus rolling in the snow, and thinking about how much I need to go and leave a positive review of your book everywhere–maybe this is that prompt I need to finally create a Goodreads account–but anyway I’m surprised Jim Gaffigan didn’t talk about cereal. Maybe he wouldn’t know Timbits, but he’s probably seen that there’s now a Twinkies cereal which is even worse–I get a cavity just thinking about it–and it seems like exactly the sort of thing he’d talk about.
Anyway here’s this. It’s not Eddie Murphy, but, well, not everything can be.
LikeLiked by 5 people
TWINKIES cereal?! Is that the sound of a plague of locusts I hear? Thanks for the Gumby clip–I’d forgotten how weird it was!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow, donut serial I thought I’d never that again. I know there was a donut serial in the 80’s but for the life of me, I can’t remember the name. But it must have not been good because it’s not memorable.
The first thing I thought about the utility tool was, cool improv brass, or in this case, aluminum knuckles, lol.
Titus looks unbelievably happy in that picture…….did he get into you wine again? 🤣😂😝
LikeLiked by 2 people
Great minds think alike–the first thing I thought after “Wow this looks sharp!” was “Hey this would make a great weapon!” And yeah, Titus is such a lush, we sent him outside to sober up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just realized I put serial not cereal……talk about one track minds, I’ve had coworkercide on my mind……a lot……😈
LikeLiked by 1 person
I figured!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, I forgot to mention Gumby dammit! Totally loved Eddie Murphy as Gumby, probably the best Gumby, since the actual Gumby.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know, he’s hilarious, so angry compared to the real Gumby!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was waiting for you to mention what effect eating fruit loops might have had on your personality/sense of humor but maybe that would have been a nutty cereal. LOL!
We have lots of Canadian stop signs here in Michigan Probably a good thing since there are also a lot of Canadian license plates. Awe! Titus looks so Happy! 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
The irony is that Tim Horton’s is no longer a Canadian company–it was bought out be a Brazilian consortium! And as a kid, I ate Frosted Flakes which explains why I’m so flaky!
LikeLiked by 1 person
We will probably always think of them as a Canadian company. Ah – that explains. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do let us know.
I just love your Gumby. And that dog of yours.
I hate chocolate cereal.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I tried Count Chocula once and it was horrifying–how could anybody make chocolate taste so bad?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Right?
LikeLike
Oh my gosh. I hear you about the cereal! I had a friend once who went to a Halloween party with empty boxes of cereal taped to him and with knives protruding from the boxes. He was a cereal killer and it was the funniest costume! This post reminded me of that. It was a happy memory! 🙂 I will check out your book. I didn’t know you had written one! Congrats!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ooh, I love that costume idea! That might be me this Hallowe’en!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Go for it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I looked for your post first thing when I woke up this morning and was sad that I didn’t see it yet. My kiddos picked me up and took me out for breakfast (not the cereal kind), I’m stuffed, and now your post is here. NOW my morning is complete! Have a great day P1!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes, I had a bit of a sleep in this morning😁!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Timbits cereal sounds to me like the pinnacle of breakfast food! I love, love cereal, and while I usually eat something that at least vaguely resembles sounding healthy, I’d cross the border for some breakfast donut goodness! I hope you enjoyed the show! I listened to an audiobook written/performed by Jim Gaffigan—his tone perfectly fits his material.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am intrigued by the idea of timbits cereal, especially since I just finished my box of Reese’s Puffs. But can’t help but feel like it is going to mostly be flavours that no one wants – how better to capture the true timbits experience?
LikeLiked by 2 people
The little cruller ones were pretty good, I remember. I never really ate donuts before I had to stop eating gluten but I never wanted them badly enough to eat them in cereal! I worked in a donut store once called Swiss Pantry and the holes there were called Swiss Bits🤣🤣
LikeLike
I love Gumby! Now, you’ve got me singing the theme song. I also like Lucky Charms. They are Gluten-Free, so you’re safe, and your dog is adorable.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lucky Charms are also magically delicious!
LikeLike
I really wish the UK got cereal like this! The craziest we have is Cookie Crisp…I don’t think you need me to describe it!
I just miss the days when cereal came with a toy in the bag somewhere.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ah yes—the toy! I miss those too!
LikeLike
I’m very tempted to just pour actual doughnuts, cinnamon rolls, peanut butter sandwiches, and entire sheet cakes into bowls and call that “cereal.” 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yum!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, the days when cereal was cereal, and doughnuts were doughnuts, before we got all Jurassic Park gene-splicing experimental on our breakfasts (a term I use relatively, at that). Jeff Goldblum tried his damnedest to warn us: Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should…
LikeLiked by 2 people
What’s next—Pumpkin Spice Corn Flakes?!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Honestly, I can’t believe that idea hasn’t already been exploited!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
So, I put Corn Pops on the grocery list, my husband said no. I said, they’re gluten free! He said you don’t have a gluten allergy… I said but I could… I could develop a gluten allergy and carry Gumby with me everywhere. He said, what? Why would you have Gumby? I said it doesn’t matter, you can buy some Captain Crunch…!!! We got Total Raisin Bran. Dang. 😉 thanks P1. All I want now is Corn Pops. And a Gumby doll.😆😆😆
LikeLiked by 2 people
What we really need is Gumby Cereal. I can’t believe no one ever invented it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yasssss!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’re right… the world is coming to an end. An end buried in sweet cereal lol
LikeLiked by 2 people
There are worse ways to go, I suppose!
LikeLike
I’m not sure I think the thought of sugar lock jaw 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post is like a cracker jacks box of goodies including the surprise of the fab foto!! As for cereal, now we’ve got ‘power bars’ which are really candy/cookies…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Me, I would eat Cracker Jack for breakfast. Why isn’t THAT a cereal?!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds tasty 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am Canadian in my dreams. Tim Horton’s is the best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They really are! Especially the hot chocolate 😊
LikeLike
I have a little one, and a hubby – although a twig, loves his cereal and munchies. We got the birthday cake one. Wasn’t to bad, wasn’t spectacular. It’s basically corn pops with sprinkles.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds deliciously decadent!
LikeLike