Bizarre Snacks and Bluetooth Insanity

Ok, so I have officially eaten the most bizarre flavour of potato chip. Here in Canada, we are liberal in government but fairly conservative in our potato chips. The most outrageous we’ve ever gotten was when Lays ran a contest and Swiss Chalet Sauce came out on top (with maple syrup being a close second). The taste was like a sweeter BBQ sauce but nothing that the taste buds couldn’t handle. But the British? Is there a single thing that the Brits will NOT use to flavour their crisps? Kate was already obsessed with “Roast Chicken” flavoured Lays, which we can only find in specialty shops here, but on Boxing Day, my aunt brought me two packages of Walkers chips that a friend who’d recently returned from England had given her. The first one was “Pigs In Blankets”. I’m never quite sure what that is—in North America it refers to hot dogs wrapped in Pillsbury crescent roll dough, which is already disgusting on its own, but in the UK, it can be “a variety of different sausage-based foods…depending on geographic location.” That sounds kind of gross for a potato chip, unless it’s the Scottish version, called “Kilted Soldiers”, which consists of sausages wrapped in bacon. Now that’s a flavour I could get behind. What I can’t get behind is the other bag my aunt gave me, which were BRUSSEL SPROUT FLAVOURED. Yes, the British have taken the most disgusting vegetable known to humankind (aside from beets) and turned it into a potato chip. And the best part was the bag, because the bag features the company logo surrounded by swirling sprouts in the shape of a Christmas tree with the caption “Brussels Sprout”, and I don’t know if that’s a typo or if it’s because they’re “sprouting” out of a green gift box on the front of the package. But the best thing, like the ABSOLUTE BEST THING, is that beneath all the sprouts it actually says, “IMAGE OF SPROUTS FOR ILLUSTRATIVE PURPOSE ONLY. PRODUCT CONTAINS NO BRUSSEL SPROUTS”. Like someone was seriously going to buy these and then be like “Cor Blimey! Where are all the sprouts wot I was promised?! It’s bloody Christmas–this is bollocks!!” At any rate, I DID try them. They were green, very salty, and had a terrible aftertaste. Just like real Brussel sprouts.

You might not have noticed it, but I’ve spent the equivalent of several days revising all my blog posts so that they have metatags. I read somewhere that having tags on each post might increase traffic, so I set about adding them to every single post. I have so far written 276 posts as mydangblog, with each one between 1000 and 2000 words and I had to read every one of them to decide what tags to use. And I have NO idea if I’m doing it right, because it was mostly just me going “Hmm. This one’s about poop so I should use that as a tag.” So far, the tags I’ve used the most are Humour, Wine, Titus, Bathrooms, Worst Case Scenarios, and Star Wars, and that list alone should tell you everything you need to know about me. Here’s a picture of the Baby Yoda cookies Kate and I made, just so I can add a gratuitous Star Wars tag to this post too.

I decided that I probably shouldn’t use Porn as a tag, even though I have several posts related to porn, because I already get enough spam enticing me to click on a link to see hot college co-eds. Will tags make any difference? Only time will tell, but at least I got to read some funny sh*t that I’d forgotten about.

And speaking of funny sh*t I’d forgotten about, on Friday, I was driving and my 6 year-old niece Cecile tried to FaceTime me. I couldn’t answer, so I tried calling her back, but my Bluetooth was acting REALLY weird. I asked it to call Cecile, and the woman’s voice just kept saying “Pardon?” The third time I said her name, the woman said, “Ok, calling Phil” and I was like “WHO THE F*CK IS PHIL?!”And this reminded me of the last time I rented a car. (I had to rent it in the name of Queen Elizabeth because I work for a secret agency. This is not a joke. In fact, I had to call the rental agency to verify something, and the guy couldn’t find the car under my name, so I said, “Try “Her Majesty the Queen,” and he was like, “Oh yeah, here it is.” I’m glad the Queen wasn’t actually driving with me, because she would have been less than impressed by my relationship with the woman who ran the Bluetooth system. In my own car (under normal circumstances), when I want to make a call, the woman simply says, “Ready,” and I say “Call”, and she says “State the name or number.” So I tell her, and the next thing, I’m talking to someone, usually Ken. I don’t know what kind of sick, evil mind designed the system in this Nissan Sentra that I rented, but here’s what happened when I tried to make a phone call:

First attempt

Woman: Please say a command. You can choose from Call, Redial, Call Phone Book, Recent Calls, Location, Hang Up, Try Again, New Command, or Help.
Me: Uh…I…can you just call someone for me? I’ve forgotten what the options are already.
Woman: That command is not recognized. Hanging up.
Me: WTF! (presses button again, listens to list). Call!
Woman: Please specify from the following list. Name, Phone Number, Redial, Call Back, Hang Up, or Help.
Me: 519-555…
Woman: Command not recognized. Disconnecting.
Me: Wait, what?!

Second Attempt

Woman: Please specify from the following list. Name, Phone Number, Redial, Call Back, Hang Up, or Help.
Me: Name.
Woman: OK. Hanging up.
Me: What?!

Third Attempt

Woman: Please specify….
Me: Phone Number.
Woman: To dial, please speak 3, 7, or 10 digits. Say “special number” to dial 24 digits, including special numbers like star, pound, or nuclear launch codes.
Me: What the f*ck?!
Woman: You have requested the digits 254. Please say the next 4 digits to dial or choose from one of the following options. Correction, Redial, Call Back, Take Me To Funkytown, or Help.
Me: Help me…
Woman: Command not recognized. You are either speaking too loudly, too softly, or in Mandarin.
Me: I’M NOT SPEAKING MANDARIN!!
Woman: OK. Calling Ken.
Me: Sigh.

(Update: I tried the Pigs in Blankets chips last night and they tasted remarkably and unfortunately just like hot dogs. Ugh. Cor blimey.)

82 thoughts on “Bizarre Snacks and Bluetooth Insanity”

  1. I’m astounded that the British would make Brussels sprouts chips. Well, first I’m astounded that the culinarily conservative Canadians call them “chips” when the British call them “crisps”. But the Brits have spent more than three years now trying to get away from Brussels and then they go and put Brussels sprouts in their crisps. And their version of “pigs in blankets” sounds like what they usually call “pork pies”–not the hat but an actual pie, that, according to a professor of mine, is made with what they sweep up off the slaughterhouse floor, which can include cigarette butts. And he was British.
    And going on the British theme the Baby Yoda cookies reminded me of the joke that there must also be a Posh Yoda, a Spice Yoda, a Sporty Yoda, and, well, the original Yoda can be Scary.
    Also you should add “kilted soldiers” as a tag so you get spam offering pictures of hot Scottish guys.

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    • Yes, I don’t know where “chips” came from, since they’re more like thin slices, but Potato Slices doesn’t have a very nice ring no matter what flavour they are. My favourite is Smoky Bacon, by the way. I’m going back to retag this post immediately!

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  3. Bryntin says:

    I think Kilted Soldiers is the nearest to the intended flavour of the Pigs in Blankets. Both sprouts (not in MY dinner, thank you very much… I’m also completely with you on beets…) and Pigs in Blankets (small pork sausages wrapped in bacon) are traditional Christmas dinner accompaniments with the turkey.
    I have no idea if either of them (crisps/chips) taste like either of them (sprouts/pigs in blankets) and am thankful for your brave efforts and review of said efforts in ensuring I don’t have to.
    Incidentally, while typing this a ‘Like’ popped up on my notifications… it was apparently you liking my latest post, so thank you for that! Considering the similar flavour dislikes, it’s probably a Force thing.

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    • Yes, it looked like they were special Christmas editions. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who thinks beets taste like death. I really like your blog–I’m following you now (but I can’t follow on Twitter, haha!)

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      • Bryntin says:

        Ah yes… we fell out. I may return to it with a clean slate one day.
        Thank you for the follow though. I do have a very small-in-number but extremely high class following, including that nice Mr Lageose, who recently reminded me how entertaining you were and that I found I had lapsed in following you somehow. 😉

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  4. Okay, hold on a second. I know that it may be rather hypocritical for me to call out someone else for potential copyright infringement, but why does Walker’s get to use the identical logo used by Lay’s Potato Chips? Is Walker’s the Canadian subsidiary of Frito-Lay? If so, what’s the logic behind the name change? And if there is some kind of corporate/international law logic behind the need for a different name, why the hell didn’t they go with “Lay’s, Eh?”

    Hysterical post.

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    • Apparently Lays (which we also have in Canada) owns Walkers? I just hope they don’t bring their crazy flavours here–we’ve already suffered through “Poutine” chips, and I don’t want to even think about what “Moose Droppings” or “Bear Claws” taste like!

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  6. The brits are known for some weird shit, so are the Scots, but Brussels sprout flavored chips? I’m American I’m going to call them chips not crisps because that sounds odd to me. And as someone who actually likes Brussels sprouts (with bacon of course) the idea behind flavored chips tasting like Brussels sprouts is just plain wrong, lol.

    Here, we’ve had chips in test flavors like biscuits and white gravy, beer & cheese and flaming hot dill pickle. And because I live in Texas and close to the border I’ve also seen chips flavored with Mexican hot sauce, taco flavored (which are disgusting) and Chile con queso. All the while I’m thinking to myself, seriously? 🤮🤢

    I never use the Bluetooth command on my car, it never gets my calls right, so I just dial from my phone and use the Bluetooth speaker when I drive. That Bluetooth lady is annoying as hell, she must be constantly PMSing because she refuses to recognize any of my contacts! 😤🤨🤔

    Awesome post Suzanne, as always!

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    • I was just on Wikipedia looking up the different countries and their flavours and I couldn’t believe some of the flavours people are eating-they even tried a Haggis flavoured chip once! Your Bluetooth lady must be related to mine–they both seem very passive-aggressive!

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  7. Oh, the shapeless woman out there in the ether who controls so much of our lives :-). I have been known to get into screaming matches with her. Except I’m the only one screaming. She is always calm :-).

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    • I only really like Bacon flavoured. I actually had Brussel Sprouts once that I liked–they were tossed in olive oil and sriracha seasoning, and served with crumbled bacon. You could almost forget you were eating Brussel Sprouts…

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  9. I love Brussels sprouts, beets and most veggies since we had a huge veg garden growing up. The automated services are so frustrating I just don’t use them if possible. I don’t mind punching numbers but when asked for replies they never understand me. My most used email and iPad have both done upgrades that I specifically said no to, so that’s another pita. Who thinks all of these innovations are wonderful? I think no one. Cookies are cute. We had the Wise brand of chips as a teenager with the owl figure on the package. They were greasy and salty as any righteous chip should be. Thank heavens I can’t get them here😅

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  10. I imagine British cuisine is so disgusting and devoid of nutritional value because if you actually live in Britain, you just go down to the pub and start ordering pints and no one really remembers to eat… except maybe toward the end of the night when they just buy a bag of those lousy crisps, and at that point they’re so rat-arsed it doesn’t much matter!

    I’ve said before: You have a great blog! Anything you can do to improve your SEO results is worth trying. It’s hard to get readership traction, but my feeling is to focus on the things that are in your control: produce great content and engage with readers who comment. You do both of those things, so let the crisps chips fall where they may!

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    • I think that’s why there are so many ethnic restaurants in Britain! My parents are both from the UK and I still remembering visiting my grandmother and being offered TONGUE for lunch! And thanks for the compliment–I don’t know what SEO is but I’m having a lot of fun coming up with tags for mydangblog!

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  11. As a Brit I did indeed eat the Brussel Sprout crisps (chips) and the Pigs in Blankets one too haha! The Pigs in Blankets ones I enjoyed, the Brussel Sprout one… not so much (and i don’t mind a good brussel sprout haha!). Where i’m from Pigs in Blankets are small sausages wrapped in bacon… nom!

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    • Ken quite often makes sausages wrapped in bacon, which is one of my favourite things, but I didn’t know until I researched it yesterday that that’s what they’re called!

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  13. There is no flavour on earth that we won’t add to crisps. Chinese, Indian, Thai, Mexican, Italian, French etc etc. We have competitions to come up with new flavours: “Walkers has announced the six finalists in its bid to find a new crisp flavour. The final flavours, entered by the public in its “Do us a Flavour” competition, are Fish & Chips, Onion Bhaji, Chilli & Chocolate, Crispy Duck & Hoi Sin, Builder’s Breakfast and Cajun Squirrel. 11 Mar 2017″
    I think the sprout flavour was just a gimmicky joke.
    A couple of DJs on BBC 6 Music even have a slightly tongue in cheek regular weekend feature called “crisps on the radio”.
    And they are definitely crisps, not chips cos they sound crisp when you eat them. They don’t sound chip. Plus a chip of anything is very 3D & crisps are barely 2D.
    😊

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  15. Roasted brussel sprouts, sauteed in sweetened bacon drippings and red onions. Mmmm.

    Toad-in-a-hole is one of my favorite British dishes. (See Scott Rea on youtube. He’s a butcher by trade and not afraid to show you how to part out road-killed badger for BBQ.)

    Chips should be represented by fractions of tubers that have been chipped from the body of a parent node. Like potato chips.
    Crisps shouldn’t be a word. Crisp, sure. Crispen, crispening, yeah. Fingers? Fries? Wedges? All good.
    Crisps? Nope.

    I’m surprised no mention of the Asian penchant for exotic flavors has been volunteered.

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  17. I had the Brussels sprout crisps and the pigs in blanket ones (and all the other festive flavours, of which there were many and also included cheese and cranberry). Not the weirdest flavours Walkers have released. Chocolate and chilli a few years back was pretty odd. Not to mention Cajun squirrel (genuinely this did exist).

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  18. On behalf of the UK, I apologise for our weird crisp flavours. I couldn’t bring myself to try the Brussels Sprout ones but in our fancier supermarkets, you can find Prosecco flavoured crisps!
    Actual pigs in blankets are incredible by the way. Sausages wrapped in bacon 😀

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  19. science_girrrrrl says:

    OK, I’m sorry, but Brussels Sprout Crisps??!! In India too, we’re pretty conservative with our chip flavours- Tomato Tango[disgusting!!!], Sour Cream and Onion, Magic Masala and the good ol’ salt. I remember my cousin eating a cucumber flavored pack once. And not as a tester- she ate them by the tonne, and actually loved them! CUCUMBER!!
    Back to my point- wow, trying Brussels Sprout must’ve been rather terifying. Takes some bravery. [If you like Indian flavors, you really must try the Magic Masala. I’m serious. All of my friends and family would kill for a bag of that stuff. No jokes.]

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  21. When I started reading this I thought “C’mon, Suzanne, how bizarre could it REALLY be?” Now I can’t believe that whatever young mind came up with THAT flavour at the idea meeting wasn’t canned and laughed out of the company. Brussel sprouts? It’s a potato chip, man. A potato chip. We eat them SPECIFICALLY to avoid anything healthy-sounding.

    Which reminds me, I recently all but gave up potato chips and substituted pork skins. It’s a carb-thing. Now I’m on the constant search for zucchini-flavoured pork skins. You know, for my health.

    I was religious about tags on my old, doomed TBT site but I haven’t tagged a one since the rebirth. Maybe I ought to take this more seriously. I suppose if I take anything too seriously today it should be the work I have to get done since I’m at work, on my work computer, typing a comment to your blog. Honestly, I should just take a day.

    Bluetooth, call the boss …

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  22. They sold brussels sprout flavored potato chips or crisps or whatever the hell they are last year over here. I bought a bag for research purposes only, ate three (the last two to make sure I hadn’t invented the first one), and threw them away. I checked our local store this year and they didn’t have any. They must’ve shipped them all to you. They’re awful–and I like brussels sprouts.

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  23. Funny post:) I used to really hate Brussels Sprouts–I tried to kill all of them in my parents’ garden when I was a child, but they grew back! They are very, very stubborn and sturdy. Oh–and I wanted to let you know that I put The Dome on my Christmas wish list, and Nate bought it for me! I haven’t read it yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Cheers!

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  24. Hi there, pigs in blanket is sausages wrapped in bacon, there is no other variant whatever anyone says but sprout crisps I agree is going too far. I one had vanilla ice cream crips (becasue that’s what they called, not chips ;-)) and that was really weird.

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard about voice control and bluetooth in car ever going right… your majesty lol

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  25. Your posts are always a trip! The good kind. Like LSD, but funny.

    A few months ago my favorite sandwich shop was selling pickle-flavored chips. I was in an adventurous mood, so I bought a bag. Surprisingly, I loved them! So naturally they discontinued them and I have not seen them since.

    That’s why I have to be so secretive about things I like. Everything I like gets discontinued.

    Oh heck! I just remember I liked your post.

    Sorry!

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  26. Loved this post. Imagine making potato chips in those flavours! It seems like someone with a warped imagination came up with them. It reminds me of the time my daughter bought red and white wine from a dollar store just to see what they would taste like. They were in little single serving bottles, and she couldn’t even manage to drink them past the first sip. (not surprising)

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  27. When we were in Ukraine once, we tried potato chips that had a picture of a chicken dinner on the front, and if you tried really hard while eating, you could imagine they tasted like chicken and gravy, which wasn’t half bad.

    As for car bluetooth, your post really Spoke to me. I have bluetooth in my car, but I find it impossible to connect my phone, and the whole process of using it while driving is so distracting, I gave up. I might be getting to that age where I realize the world is passing me by and I’m not so bothered by it.

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  28. I still remember when a sister, who lives in Minnesota, brought a small suitcase full of Old Dutch Dill Pickle potato chips to a family reunion in Colorado (by special request). We don’t have them out west, except I found them once in British Columbia. Occasionally I’ve seen a Lays version, almost as good.

    As for Brussels Sprouts anything? Blech!

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  29. 😂 Once again I was laughing like crazy. Because I can believe this happened. The chips are freaking me out. Really. Brussels sprouts. Geez. Is this some kind marketing ploy to erase all memory of real food? Yuk. I never could see why someone would eat Brussel sprouts at all. Hmmm how about Brussel sprout and maple chips?

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