My Week 272: I Get Good News

I got a congratulations letter in the mail the other day, and it was very special. No, it wasn’t a response to a short story I’d submitted—usually THOSE emails are more along the lines of “We regret to tell you…” and they make me sad instead of excited. At least I’m averaging one acceptance for every twenty rejections so in other words, I’m no Stephen King but I don’t feel terrible 100% of the time about the fact that no one appreciates my weird writing. Anyway, this letter was from someone named Linda Rabenek. First, she thanked me. Then she told me how pleased she was to be writing to me. Finally, she congratulated me. About what? Well, apparently, my colon is a ROCK STAR. You might remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about my experience taking a colon cancer screening test—it seems I passed with flying colours and I didn’t even have to study. It would have been the best test ever if it hadn’t involved poo. But I’m thrilled to know that I don’t have colon cancer and also very gratified that Linda is super-pleased with me and the way I “take care of my health by getting checked out with the fecal immunochemical test (FIT)”. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the word “Fitbit”:

Person 1: Ooh, I really like your new watch.
Person 2: It’s a FITBit.
Person 1: So it keeps track of your heartrate and steps and stuff?
Person 2: Something like that…

Therefore, in honour of this joyful occasion, I’m pleased to offer you some thematically related ideas for TV shows that I had:

A beach scene. People in uniform milling around. A body lying on the sand. Camera pans to a large poo beneath a palm tree. Cut to Danny.

Danny: It’s not looking good, boss.
Horatio: Tell me what you’ve got, Dann-o.
Danny: Large male, judging by size. Probably a vegan, based on the amount of broccoli and the self-righteousness smooth texture. Well-hydrated. Looks like the Number 2 Killer has struck again.
Horatio: (gazes sternly into distance). I’m making the Number 2 Killer my number one priority. He won’t get away with this sh*t again. Let’s roll.

Camera cuts away and credits roll to the sound of “Squeeze Box” by The Who. The title appears: CSI: Excremental.

Awesome, right? There’s also a new twist on Sherlock Holmes which I call “Alimentary”. It’s the same basic premise as CSI: Excremental, but with more deductive reasoning:

Sherlock: I’ve come to the conclusion that our victim is indeed a beet farmer.
Watson: How could you possibly know that, Holmes?
Sherlock: For God’s Sake, Watson—look at the colour of his scat. That slight pink tinge is a dead giveaway. Have I taught you nothing?!

Then there’s the “HBM” version of Game of Thrones:

Tyrion Lannister: The war is finally over—the Starks have won the Iron Throne!
Jon Snow: I don’t know about iron, but this throne is certainly cold.
Tyrion: Why is your face so strained, Jon Snow? Is winter coming?
Jon Snow: Something’s coming but it isn’t winter.
Sansa: Not enough Bran, if you ask me.

Other related titles:

Friends: The One Where Ross Takes A Dump
Breaking Wind
Bojack Horsemanure
Brooklyn Two-Two
The Deuce
Brown Is The New Black
Unbreakable Kimmy Sh*t
Poopernatural
Going Pains
Mad About Poo
Law and Order: Special Rectum Unit
The X-crement Files
The Big Bowel Theory
Hawaii Two-O
Shart Tank

Narrator: I sincerely apologize for this incredibly juvenile blog post. An discerning audience such as yourselves deserves better.
Mydangblog: Here’s a picture of a vintage cookie jar that looks just like a poo emoji!
Narrator: Sigh.

52 thoughts on “My Week 272: I Get Good News”

  1. Yeah for the great news.

    If I were an agent, I’d totally make a TV show based on those ideas.

    I hate too We regret to tell you’s (don’t we all who write?). If they don’t appreciate your weird writing, they don’t know what they are missing.

    I read an editor’s tweet yesterday that first made me mad (not sad), but I got it later. She said, I read sth that blew me away, but with a sad heart, I decided not to publish it. What does this tell us? It’s often not the right fit, simple as that. Keep submitting.

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  2. I would be really surprised if one of those thousands of forensics police dramas hasn’t cracked a case yet by analyzing poo. I wonder if you did a DNA test on a cannibal’s poo, how many different people’s profiles would show up?

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  4. First off, congrats on the good news, I mean who wouldn’t want to know their poop shoot is a totes rock star!?

    And I’m still laughing at your ingenious ideas for tv series about poo, I mean the “Number two killer, number one priority?” 🤣😂😆
    I’m still trying to explain to my son why I’m laughing so freaking hard, because we’re watching The Irishman. And mob movies usually aren’t that funny, lol.

    Like always Suzanne, your awesome!! 😎

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  7. science_girrrrrl says:

    * laughing emojis *
    this world needs more posts abourt poop
    i am proud
    goodbye. i must sleep. have to wake up at 6 for school 2moro
    i dont know whats wrong with me
    oopsie poopsies
    (see what i did there?)
    ok now bye

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  8. Yay for the good news!! Your colon rocks, and it’s only one of the reasons we love you 🙂 Your poop story reminded me of a time, years ago, when I had to get a surgery done to my stomach. After the procedure, the surgeon had mentionned to my mom that I had a great looking liver. I mean, I would have been happy with a ”everything’s looking ok in there”, so the fact that he insisted on how good my liver looked made me weirdly proud!

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  10. You had me laughing, spewing my granola and oats, I was. But what about the movies, like “Crap Hard”, and “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Poop”? I guess “Gone With the Wind” can keep its title. Should they make “Five Easy Movements”? “Get Out” can keep its title, too, but the emphasis would be shifted to bathrooms and restrooms.

    Thanks for making my Sunday morning, and congrats on your colon. Say, does Hallmark make a card for that?

    Cheers

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  11. This morning, I read a few more chapters of The Dome while I was drinking my coffee. Then I fired up the laptop and read this post. Thus, at the moment, it would be hard not to count you among my favorite current writers inhabiting the planet.

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  14. With ideas like this how are you not getting more acceptances? You’ve got ideas that go where no one has ever gone before and, for that matter, where most people don’t want to go, but still, there’s got to be a market for this sort of thing. Although if there really is I’m not sure I want to know about it. And now that I think about it there is clearly a market for this sort of thing–you’re not so much competing with Steven King as John Waters. Also if you’ve seen “Analyze This” you might remember a particular scene where Billy Crystal hides out in a bathroom stall and removes a police wire taped to his body.
    What I’m getting at here is that there’s more of a market for your ideas than you may realize, and with an aging population it’s going to get even bigger.
    Also that cookie jar looks a lot like a prune to me but, hey, prunes look pretty much the same coming out as they do going in.

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  21. Suzanne, you know your audience well! Ha! Congrats on the good news! Also, did you know I have a cookie jar collection? Would it be weird if I sat on Santa’s lap and asked for a poop cookie jar? As long as it was filled with not poop! Snickerdoodles, maybe! Mona

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