My Week 265: Let Them Eat Cake

I’ve been having food issues this week, which is to say that food is being weirder than usual. I mean, food is always a little weird when you think about it, like who was the first person who decided that eating something that shoots out of a chicken’s ass would be a great idea? Yet here we are, eating all-day breakfast like there’s no tomorrow. At any rate, I try to avoid the really weird sh*t, like peas, and I generally don’t have any issues. But this week, I’ve been making terrible food choices:

1) I love olives, especially ones stuffed with things. I used to buy this one particular brand that was stuffed with ancho peppers, but the company that made them discontinued them, which is always the way with virtually anything I like. So the other day, I was in the grocery store and saw olives stuffed with piri piri peppers, and I thought, ‘How much hotter could they be?’ Have you eaten one? Are you shaking your head at my childish naiveté right now? Are you picturing me screaming and swearing? (If you are, I hope I’m wearing something ridiculous like black leather chaps and a floral shower cap, to complement my very poor piri piri pepper eating decision.) It took over an hour before my mouth stopped feeling like a backyard barbeque. Never again.

2) On Tuesday, I needed yogurt for the morning because I was staying overnight in Toronto. I spent ten minutes looking at yogurt in the grocery store—why are there so many damn types of yogurt? But I finally picked one that said it didn’t contain any added sugar and it came in a four pack instead of a lifetime supply. It claimed to be raspberry. The next morning, I tried it and just about gagged. Have you ever accidentally drunk milk that was 2 weeks past the expiry date? I haven’t personally, but I’m guessing it would taste better than that yogurt. I went around my office exclaiming, “This yogurt is terrible! Does anyone want to try it?” because that’s what people do, but I had no takers. Until I passed by the cubicle of a new member of my team, who said, “Oh, I like that kind!” so I gave her the other three containers, and she OFFERED TO PAY ME FOR THEM. I did not take any money from her, just for the record.

3) Later in the week, I bought some raspberries. I like to eat fresh fruit every once in a while so that I don’t get scurvy. When I was a kid, I watched a movie about Captain Cook, and ever since, I’ve been paranoid about scurvy. Or maybe I just like saying the word ‘scurvy’. Either way, I bought raspberries. I took them to the kitchen at work and rinsed them in their container, then I sat at my desk all ready to eat them, when I noticed something crawling on one of them. I put on my reading glasses to get a better look and realized that it looked like a small worm. I went out and asked the very nice gentleman I work with to verify that it was indeed a worm, which he did by saying, “EW.”

Me: What should I do?
VNG: I think it’s OK to eat the rest. Just throw away the one with the worm.
Me: But I don’t want to kill the worm. It’s gone through so much already. It’s a survivor.
VNG: You could put it in that plant over there.
Me: Great idea! And the raspberry will decompose and become fertilizer for the plant. It’s a win-win.

4) The funniest thing that happened with food this week is that my team surprised me with an amazing cake that they had made to celebrate my second novel being released. That’s not the funny part—in fact, I was so taken aback at their thoughtfulness that I started to cry. I work with the best people and I am eternally grateful for that. The funny thing happened after we started cutting the cake. I said I would go to one of the other departments in the secret agency and invite them to join us, because the cake was gigantic. So I went to the other side of the office and said, “Hey, there’s cake!” to which I got soundly SHUSH!’d by the people there.

Me (whispering): But there’s cake.
Colleague 1 (whispering): Yes, we know!
Me: Why are we whispering?
Colleague 2: It’s cake for Suzanne. It’s a surprise!
Me: Uh…
Colleague 1: It’s her birthday. SHHH.

I should point out that there is another Suzanne in our office, so despite it being a bizarre coincidence, this made sense to me, and then the people from the other department decided to come and ooh and ah over MY cake even if they were saving room for the other Suzanne’s cake. But things got more confusing later:

Colleague 3: Hey! Happy birthday!
Me: Oh, it’s not my birthday.
Colleague 3: But somebody said there was cake for you.
Me: Yes, but it’s to celebrate my book.
Colleague 4: Hey Suzanne, happy birthday! Where’s the cake?
Me: Sigh. Right over there.

And it was the most beautiful cake anyone has ever made for me.

60 thoughts on “My Week 265: Let Them Eat Cake

  1. Well, your coworkers are definitely not scurvy knaves, which is one of my favorite olde time insults. And I have never tried a piri piri pepper, so I appreciate the warning. That’s probably as bad as the people I know who’ve gone for sushi and unthinkingly popped the entire ball of wasabi in their mouths. It looks so innocent and green.
    And good for you saving the worm. If only you had a bird, though, you could feed the worm to it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • My brother once popped a dollop of straight wasabi in his mouth, thinking it was wasabi mayonnaise or something. His face actually went bright red and his eyes started watering. It was pretty funny until the piri piri thing happened to me–now I have more empathy!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Well how…….bazaar, lol. The food part I mean and the confusion on the two Suzanne thing. Definitely not that you work with some thoughtful and great coworkers, I wonder what that’s like? 🤣

    That was an amazing looking cake, how did it taste? As for the weird food part, I’ve had stuff like happen to me. I love olives too, and prefer to buy the ones stuffed with jalapeños or even garlic. There’s a Mexican brand that has them stuffed with……HABANEROS!! They are soooo good, and olives of all varieties basically. My my youngest can’t stand olives, hmmm I wonder why? 😎
    Congrats again on your awesome book Suzo! Lol

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks! I actually couldn’t eat the cake because of the gluten thing, but they’re so thoughtful that they had the bakery make some macaroons for me as well. Honestly, I don’t know what I did to deserve such lovely people in my life, especially when I read about YOUR co-workers!!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Good morning and congratulations again! Wow it took 3 tries for my fingers to get that word out, no coffee yet. I so look forward to your posts to make the day. Ewww on the worm, and who eats any thing from a chickens butt? Yuck! I am an olive lover, like them all, black ones not my choice. If I have a craving for salt they are my goto. Again, 💗

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’d like to see an olive stuffed with Vienna Sausage. We don’t buy the bluecheese stuffed variety anymore, they only last 20 minutes. Kalamata creamcheese on a sesame bagel, mmmm.

    So, is The Dome multi-layered, all natural ingredients, dripping with gooey allegory?

    Liked by 3 people

  5. So, apparently you are the early bird. I understand that is their punishment for getting up early. Or maybe the expression is, “The early bird gets scurvy.”

    But whatever the case, your posts are always a hoot! Thanks for another one.

    And congrats on the 2nd book!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I was cracking up about the cake incident and imagining the whispered conversation. I think you should meet and become friends with the other Suzanne.
    I love that someone likes and took the rest of the yogurt.
    But the worm thing? I hope the plant you put it in is outside the office.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “I like to eat fresh fruit every once in a while so that I don’t get scurvy.” 🤣🤣🤣

    Your week was, once again, funnier than mine. I became ordained and was asked to perform a wedding ceremony next June, so that’s fun but not funny. I started eating a LOT more fruit and vegetables this week than I ever have in my life, which is fine but not really funny. The whole mailbox pole saw thing was actually pretty funny, but was followed up with an order for a “Los Angeles Rams Eric Dickerson figurine” that turned out to be an “Indianapolis Colts Eric Dickerson figurine,” and that’s not funny at all. The linebacker behind the counter at the local post office is about to get used to my face.

    I can tell you this: at least twice a week I have a situation where I think “Suzanne would make this so funny in her blog,” so there’s that. I need to mark a couple of those down to remember for future uses.

    Your book is slated to arrive to me November 24-December 29 now, which is (I assume) delayed due to tariffs. On the upside it’s gonna be some damn good rainy Christmas reading! 👏👏👏

    Liked by 2 people

  8. That IS an awesome cake! Success tastes so sweet–congratulations! Here is a weird food. It’s weird for me, but not others: Ensure. It’s a vanilla or chocolate flavored milk drink packed with protein and nutrients. It always looks so good when other people drink it, but when I drink it, this magical concoction tastes awful. Really, really awful.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Wait a minute. No peas at all????

    As for yogurt, the best you’ll get is where it comes from, the Balkans – Greek, Serbian, Macedonian are by far my faves, with the exception that Serbian is liquid. You can find it in Toronto too (not the liquid one, though). I adore our white cheese too (cow, sheep, goat, bull) along with the Turkish one.

    2 weeks past the expiry date? Jesus.

    Every once in a while is no good when it comes to fresh fruit. Every day, several times per day, got it?

    Liked by 2 people

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