My Week 255: Exercising Restraint, Fun At Home

I know that a lot of workplaces have group obsessions: some are fixated on a certain TV show, like Game of Thrones or Survivor (mostly because a lot of offices FUNCTION like Game of Thrones or Survivor, where they’re constantly trying to either stab each other in the back for control over Westeros or vote each other off the island), some have football/basketball/bowling pools where they discuss results ad nauseum, and some are relentless in their discussions about certain kinds of special diets and recipe swapping. I was never very much interested in any of these types of group activities—I might be in the hockey pool but my only contribution to any discussion about hockey is “That guy has a cool name. Why didn’t I pick him?!”— and I find myself in the same boat yet again. My colleagues are lovely people, a highly professional and somewhat esoteric group, who don’t watch a lot of TV, don’t follow sports, and aren’t really the “recipe-swapping” type. But they DO have a group obsession, and unfortunately for me, it’s EXERCISE. These people exercise ALL THE TIME. They talk about exercise, they have fitness plans, they are the most physically fit people I have ever met. It puts me to shame. I have to tell you right up front that I don’t exercise. EVER. My idea of exercising is pausing Netflix, walking downstairs to the refrigerator, and pouring another glass of wine. The closest I ever came to having an actual fitness plan was once, a few years ago, I bought a recumbent cycle, which is a kind of exercise cycle where you can sit in a comfortable reclining position while your feet do all the work. So it’s like walking fast, but the rest of your body gets to take a break. Awesome. And the best part is that you can drink while you do it. It was the most relaxing fitness plan ever—I would pour a glass of wine, sit in my Lazyboy/exercise machine and peddle away until I had burned off enough calories to offset the wine. After a while, the machine broke (I may or may not have spilled some Chardonnay on the control panel), and I moved on to a more satisfactory level of exercise, which is to say, none at all.

10 reps each side and don’t spill any!

But now I feel the peer pressure of working with people who LOVE to exercise. They all have these electronic wristband things that tell them how many steps they’ve taken in one day. How many f*cking STEPS, you heard me. Last month, after walking the perimeter of the conference centre where we were working in order to discuss plans for the day, one of my colleagues cheerfully announced that we had just put in 3, 000 steps. I was like, whuh? And she explained that her goal was to reach 10,000 steps each day so now she only had 7,000 to go. I wanted to ask if there was like a medal or some chocolate as a prize, because I would be all over that, but from what I gathered, it’s simply an intrinsically motivated goal, which is to say, THERE IS NO PRIZE AT ALL.

Then the other day we were sitting at lunch, and everyone was sharing their plans for later. One person was going to Zumba class (I thought Zumba was the name of the elephant in A Jungle Book, but apparently it’s some kind of weird Latin fusion/cardio/dance thing). Another person was going to Aquafit, which is exercise that takes place in the water. I call this “having a vigorous bath”, but apparently Aquafit is also a cardio thing for people who need low impact exercise, having blown out their knee last year doing extreme yoga. EXTREME YOGA? WTF? I can’t even sit cross-legged anymore, never mind “extreme” cross-legged sitting. Someone else was taking tennis lessons and was gearing up for a sweaty evening on the court. The last person was “going for a run” because she needed to get back into shape for a marathon next month. (Who in their right mind “goes for a run”? The only time I run is if something is chasing me). Then they all started reminiscing about other types of classes they had taken in the past, sharing war stories about step class, and crazy instructors who went too fast or were too demanding, and so on. Then there was a lull in the conversation, and they all looked at me expectantly. What was I going to say—“I tried kickboxing once but the gloves were too heavy”? So I smiled nervously, stopped eating my cheesecake and said, “Does anyone have a good recipe for quinoa?”

Fun At Home 1

Me: (*goes into Ken’s bathroom): Ergh! Why are all the toilet paper rolls white?! How am I supposed to make my toilet look like it’s smoking a cigar?
Ken: What?!
Me: Nothing. (*leaves bathroom)

10 minutes later

Me: Come and look at my toilet. I saw how to do this on Facebook.
Ken: Haha! Hey, the paper towel rolls are brown. We could use one of those and it would look like the toilet was smoking a cigarillo.
Me: See, this is why I married you.

Anybody got a light?

Fun At Home 2

Ken: Aw, the screen on this door is ripping.
Me: Good job I bought some spline the other day.
Ken: Yes, I used that spline on the kitchen door.
Me: It’s good spline.
Ken: Very good spline.
Me: Do you think we just like saying ‘spline’ A LOT?
Ken: Yep.
Both: Spline, spline, spline, spline, spline!!!
Me: What a great word. Do you think it’s out of our system now?
Ken: I should spline so.

 

72 thoughts on “My Week 255: Exercising Restraint, Fun At Home”

  3. LOL . I have a friend deep into that step counting frenzy. I think if you do 10,000 steps a day four or five times a week that translates into a pound or two.

    And please don’t so easily dismiss the exercise you get raising the glass of wine to your lips. Just remember to alternate arms. LOL

    Happy Sunday.

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  5. Clever and entertaining.

    A sobering fact: we spend 1/4th of our lives with the people at our offices. (1/4th sleeping, 1/4th eating/cleaning/chores, and in your case, it sounds, 1/4th drinking wine.;-)

    Maybe you should start a wine club, and tip the conversation in your favor.

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  7. I’m going out on a limb here to say, I have a Fitbit to count my steps each day. A year and a half ago, I weighed 202 lbs, my knee was killing me and I was found to be insulin resistant, which is different, apparently than having diabetes. So my brilliant doc put me on the keto diet, and told me if I didn’t want to stay at 202 lbs I had to lose 60 pounds to avoid knee surgery.
    Like you, exercise to me was only a concept for those who didn’t drink wine, lol. But I’m 16 lbs from reaching my goal and although I’m not a fitness junkie by any means I’ve started running and using a rowing machine. Staying on the keto diet (for the most part) and being very aware I don’t want to get back to over 200 lbs. Its become a lifestyle, not so much a habit for me. And we are in opposite work situations, no one in my office works out except another coworker who runs all the time, but seems to be a little pudgy around the midsection, but I don’t judge I have thighs that look like they’ve been hit by a meteorite shower, ugh 🙄.

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    • Wow, that’s awesome! I really respect people who set health goals for themselves and meet them. Personally, I LOVE rowing machines–I keep asking Ken if we can please get one so I can strengthen my abs!

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  9. Ieronimo di Maltibella says:

    Now I’m picturing Survivor set in Westeros, and the losers getting voted Beyond the Wall…

    And I’m remembering Paul Buchman on Mad About You saying “Clamenza” ( a restaurant where he and Jamie got clams once) over and over.
    One more…Clamenzaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

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  11. Authoress51 says:

    This was great. I walk a bit now. Well, it was every day until it got to hot. The mailbox is at the other end of the mobile home park. So, that counts

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  13. I love that picture of Titus looking adoringly at your wine. I assume he’s old enough to drink.
    And like you and Ken I thought of paper towel rolls when I looked at that toilet picture, and then I thought of stuffing an orange hand towel in the end of the paper towel roll, and I thought if you had lace curtains you could move one over so it looked like smoke…I’m really overthinking this.
    On the bright side I think the brain is a muscle too, and using your brain has got to burn calories.

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  14. I do like your toilet creativity. I recently spent time at the cottage with my family where everyone plays pranks on each other – and I found a certain something on my toilet seat that started out as the same materials you used but ended up looking much different. The kids were very proud.

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  15. I’m reminded of that scene in Back to the Future, Part III whereby Doc Brown is telling all the cowboys at the saloon about the “motorized carriages” we have in the future called automobiles, and one of the patrons says, “Well, if everybody has one of those, does anyone even walk or run anymore?”

    To which Doc replies: “Of course we run. But for recreation, for fun.”

    This elicits a round of guffaws from the cowboys, who say “Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?”

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  16. Your toilet is adorable! I’m going to have to do that now and see if anyone in the house notices! I think you get all the exercise you need just keeping Titus away from the vino. Also, what exactly is spline again? And does it rhyme with divine or bean? I await your words of wisdom, Trainwine. Mona

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  17. Oh those people who are fit and proud of it, doesn’t it make you sick? My only exercise is typing and very occasionally I get an idea into my head to clean a bit of the house. Sometimes it even gets out of my head and into the real world.

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    • I discovered yesterday while trying to get to the car in a downpour, that I can run faster than Ken. So you know what they say: if you’re being chased by a bad thing, you just have to be faster than the person you’re with!

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  21. We don’t have to put up with that crap in the exciting world of manual labor because we just want to go home and relax after punching out. I’d never wear one of those silly Twitbits that counts steps, but I’d estimate I walk the equivalent of four or five miles every night at work, howveer many steps that is… some of the time carrying boxes or pulling pallets. I manage to burn just enough calories to keep me from tipping 250…

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  23. Here at work we mostly talk about me, but that’s probably because a good 80% of the time it’s just me here at work (delivery guys are delivering, bookkeeper gal and her husband – the boss – show up then come and go sporadically). So it’s either talk about me or talk to myself about how no one else consistently comes to work and I hate talking to myself about other people behind their backs.

    Also, we love football.

    Speaking of which, my friends and I (who obsessively talk about partying and tacos) had our annual fantasy football draft on Friday and a full 1/3 of my team is Rams. Also, I named my team “The Squad” to spite the conservatives in the group. Go Rams! Go Squad! Go Spline!

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  24. ‘Having a vigorous bath’! I burned a few calories laughing at that! I’m on the very same page as you when it comes to exercise. I have my own post brewing on just that subject, so will have to save some thoughts to help pad that out, but I’m firmly in the ‘if God had wanted me to run, she would have given me a head start’ camp. She clearly didn’t give me a head start in life, therefore, I assume, I’m not meant to run. Fabulous post! 🙂

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  25. I love the toilet set-up. Seeing that has made my day, and I mean it.

    I used to work with someone who was FIXATED on exercise, then would complain about cramps and aches. (It quickly became apparent that complaining about sore joints was an auxiliary fixation.) Good grief, it was tedious.

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  26. HEY my dang blog thANKS for the love
    hows it going?
    I love your dog and your smoking toilet
    whats your precious pooches’ non de plume?
    my fluffy miracle is in heaven now
    please let me know if you would like me to blog about a particular topic on your behalf ❤
    God bless love daniel

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