My Week 254: I Invent More Reality Shows and Alex Trebek Hosts Them

Lately, Ken and I have been consumed with watching reality shows. No, not reality shows like The Bachelor or Big Brother, which we have never watched because, let’s face it, even if you like those shows, you have to admit they’re pretty dumb:

The Bachelor

Bachelor Guy: I was going to give you a rose, but then you ate sushi in a weird way.
Girl: I’m so sad now.

Big Brother

House Guy: I was going to save you, but then you ate all the sushi.
Girl: I didn’t eat all the sushi. It was Bob! And he ate it in a weird way!
House Guy: Bob! I might have known. You are evicted!

And please bear in mind that I have NEVER watched either of these shows and just made the previous sh*t up based on what I’ve seen on Twitter. I have no idea if I’m even close.

Ken and I, however, have been watching these very avant-garde-y reality/competition shows. The first thing we really got into was Forged in Fire, where 4 blacksmiths faceoff against each other to create knives and daggers and swords and whatnot. In the first round, they have to make a weapon and then test it on stuff like dead fish and sheep carcasses. Then it’s narrowed down to two finalists who go back to their “home forge” to create a super-weapon and isn’t a HOME FORGE the most incredible thing that you could possibly have? Like, “Hey honey—I might be late for dinner because I’m making a giant f*cking sword in my HOME FORGE”. Anyway, it’s a very cool show, with a judge whose only job is to attack things with the contestants’ blades and then say, very proudly like a happy dad, “Your blade will cut. Your blade will kill.”

The newest show we just watched on Netflix is called “Blown Away” and it’s a glassblowing competition, which might sound kind of tame, but BELIEVE ME, it’s very awesome and also the glassblowers get quite bitchy with each other. It started with 10 competitors and every episode there was a challenge, with one person “blowing the judges away” (I’m sure EVERYONE is glad the word ‘away’ is in there) and one person being sent home for being an utter disappointment. Spoiler Alert: I’m going to give away the ending so don’t read this if you’re planning on watching the whole season. In the last episode, it came down to Janusz, a very experienced glassmaker who was very technical and talented, and Deborah, a rather nasty person who was not quite as talented, but who talked a good game. They were tasked with filling a gallery space with something “immersive”, whatever the f*ck that means. Janusz did a whole series of pieces on climate change and hope for the future, and Deborah made a giant fried egg, a frypan, and a bunch of very phallic sausages. The judges were struggling with the whole thing, but then Deborah cried and said that her piece represented the way she’d been marginalized her whole life and SHE WON. With BREAKFAST. And there is literally a petition on Change.org to award the $60 000 prize to Janusz, so you can tell how much people were into this show.

Which got me to thinking. If I could create a new reality show, what would it be? Here are a couple of thoughts. Also, for the purpose of this post, Alex Trebek is the host of every show, because he is the best host of everything and I love him.

Show 1: Tanked

This show is a fish tank decorating competition. Every week there’s a new theme.

Alex Trebek: All right, contestants! This week’s challenge was “The 19th Century”. First up is Donna. Tell us about your tank, Donna.
Donna: Well, Alex, I tried to capture the essence of The Industrial Revolution by pumping coal dust into the water. I think I killed all the fish, but the concept is pure.
Alex Trebek: Interesting. Bob, tell us about your tank.
Bob: All my fish are wearing bustles and bonnets. It’s a signature 19th century look.
Alex Trebek: The judges have made a decision. Bob, please hand in your scuba diver ornament.

And take the corset off that scuba diver, damn it!

(*It’s been pointed out to me by a couple of people that there was already an American reality show called “Tanked”. I’d never heard of it, but apparently it aired on the channel  ‘Animal Planet’. To clarify, their version was about INSTALLING giant fish tanks; mine is about DECORATING little fish tanks. Plus my show has Alex Trebek while their show’s hosts got divorced and the show got cancelled.)

Show 2: Stick It To Me

In this show, the competitors have to make everything out of popsicle sticks.

Alex Trebek: All right, contestants! This week’s challenge was “Iconic Buildings”. Donna, what happened here?!
Donna: Well, Alex, I tried to recreate the Eiffel Tower, but as anyone who’s ever participated in a team-building exercise knows, popsicle sticks aren’t stable at great heights, especially when all you have to attach them together is masking tape.
Alex Trebek: That’s a shame. Bob, tell me about your structure.
Bob: I built a scale model of the Globe Theatre.
Alex Trebek: Didn’t the Globe Theatre burn down?
Bob (*lights match ominously*): That’s right, Alex.

This is how the Great Fire of London started, Bob.

Show 3: In the Bag

Who doesn’t love homemade purses?

Alex Trebek: I don’t understand what I’m still doing here.
Mydangblog: You’re the host of a reality show that I made up about people creating purses out of everyday household objects.
Alex Trebek: But–
Mydangblog: Shhhh. Everything is all right. Just ask about the purses.
Alex Trebek: So the challenge you were given was “purses made from clothing”. God, this is dreadful. Donna?
Donna:  I cut the bottom off the sleeve of a sweatshirt and hemmed it, adding a piece of cord. It’s now a cute satchel.
Alex Trebek (sighs): Bob?
Bob: I made a cunning “manpurse” by cutting the legs off these jeans and hemming the thighs. You can wear it as a fanny pack OR a courier bag.
Alex Trebek: Can I please go back to Jeopardy now?
Mydangblog: OK, but I want to be an answer in the Potpourri category, like “Who is a funny Canadian blogger?”
Alex Trebek: You mean “Who is a WEIRD Canadian blogger who keeps breaking the 4th wall?
Mydangblog: I’m good either way.

Is that a wallet made out of a tube sock?

We now return to our regular program.

51 thoughts on “My Week 254: I Invent More Reality Shows and Alex Trebek Hosts Them”

  2. None of your reality shows are cooking shows which is odd because I could see both the knife forging competition and the glass-blowing turned into cooking shows.
    Let’s face it—“Tonight I’m cooking dinner in my home forge” would be pretty amazing.
    Although cooking shows are also overdone and a hometown chef named Arnold Myint, who’s also a drag queen named Suzy Wong, was unfairly kicked off Top Chef. It was years ago but I still think it was in poor taste.
    Anyway I love having Alex Trebek host. He’s so nice and if there’s one thing reality TV needs it’s more niceness.

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    • Believe it or not, I was watching Forged in Fire one night and I fell asleep for a minute. When I woke up, the contestants were being challenged to cut filet mignon and the winner was the one who could cut 5 6-ounce pieces perfectly with their giant knife. I was like “What is going on here?!” but then it turned out that a new show had started called The Butcher.

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  3. The connection between a glass-blown fried egg breakfast and feelings of personal marginalization is a conundrum that will surely torture my already fragile psyche for the rest of the day. Curse you, Deborah. I, for one, am glad that Janusz crushed your dreams.

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    • Ah, but she crushed Janusz’s dreams with her giant egg. The poor guy had a really touching emotional moment right before the end–we were SURE he was going to win. Even Ken was like “What the f*ck?!” and he hardly ever swears, unlike me:-)

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  4. That was a fun read!

    I actually wrote up the following and submitted it to Alton Brown, never heard from him:
    King’s Kitchen, chefs will travel to various historic dynasties and cook meals fit-for-a-king (or queen) — with tools and ingredients only available for the period. Think: Egypt, Thailand, China, Mayan, Aztec, Russia, France, Spain, Greece, Rome, England, Denmark — all 500-3500 years ago. Losers would be sent to the guillotine, gallows or my favorite, a leather band tightened about the skull until the bones popped. I think it would have been a hit. The losers’ families would have been substantially compensated.

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  5. Love the shows you are watching, especially Forged in Fire. I think I have seen a couple of episodes. Your ideas for new reality shows are hysterical. There is/was a show called Tanked (not reality so to speak) that followed master tank builders around the country as they made outrageous fish tanks. Pretty interesting.

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  10. I have heaped mountains of shit on my husband for his commitment to Forged in Fire. I’m not against it (though they are a little too gleeful with the “Your blade will kill” in my opinion), it’s just that he is sooooooo for it. Like losing hours-long segments of his life for it. I got to be a game show host at work, and channeling my inner Alex Trebek made for possibly the best day of my career ever. Definitely. For the record, your #2 pitch is my fave.

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  13. Kathleen Howell says:

    The last reality show I watched was BBQ Pitmasters, since we had recently purchased a Traeger like wood pellet grill. It was pretty interesting and informative.. Also Doomsday Preppers..

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  15. Suzanne,
    So David and I just discovered Downton Abbey and that is my life right now! I want to be a contestant on a reality TV show that let’s me live the life of Mary — at Downton — period costume and all! The winner is the person who can deliver zingers better than Lady Violet! 😎Mona

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  16. This is glorious. ‘Tell us about your tank, Donna’. I hope I get to use that in a sentence today. I quite enjoy a celebrity version of reality shows. But there are some really lame, bottom of the barrel concepts on air. We, surprisingly, really enjoyed one called Glow Up, a reality show for hopeful make-up artists. They were all really young and once I’d stopped being distracted by all the eyebrows, it was so much fun. A bit OTT in places, but such a creative and interesting watch. I’ve heard others bestowing praise on the glass-blowing, may have to give it a watch.

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  17. I am loving these new reality shows! You really need to add more boobs or something to them in order to get on TLC, though. Wait, I haven’t watched TLC in a while (I might have to stream them so my brain doesn’t get too smart), so I’m not sure if they still do all those fascinating programs about women who can shine flashlights through their boobs. Talk about the good old days! I definitely like your idea about Alex hosting every show. Have you ever noticed how Alex is all polite to the contestants no matter how stupid their stories are? That takes real strength. I’m pretty sure I’d have been kicked off for saying “Bob, no one cares that you collect husks of dead insects.”

    My husband has watched the original Tanked – on purpose. Worse, he loves all those shows about cars and guys talking about cars and making noise with cars and arghhhh. Now he watches youtube instead of cable, so it’s amateurs banging on cars. Weee.

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