My Week 241: I’m In The Movies

The other night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an idea for the most amazing tweet. I don’t tweet a lot; I mostly read other people’s tweets and sometimes retweet (also, I hate the word tweet and having to use it this many times to set up this week’s story is making me want to smash my laptop), but in my semi-conscious state, I was convinced that it was something I absolutely had to say. So I tweeted out this:

Then I woke up the next morning, looked at what I had tweeted, and was slightly appalled. But then I comforted myself with the knowledge that Twitter is pretty much a cesspool anyway, so who cares if I say something random and dumb? I mean, it’s not like I’m an American president or a Canadian Conservative or something. Also, notice that the tweet got one ‘like’ (it was from my awesome blogger friend Sean P. Carlin–you should check him out). But then I got to thinking—what other movies would have been completely different if I’d been in them? So here are some films whose plots would definitely have suffered due to my presence:

1) Since I’m writing this on May the 4th, let’s start with Star Wars, at the moment before the Death Star is about to be destroyed…

Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust your feelings.
Me: I really wish you would call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: Concentrate, Mydangblog.
Me: But all the other guys get cool nicknames! There’s Red Leader, Gold Leader, Wedge, Goose…aw, Goose just got exploded.
Obi-Wan: Goose was from Top Gun. Will you please concentrate?!
Me: Ok, I’m going into the weird tunnel. I’m gonna blow sh*t up!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Mydangblog.
Me: No way. I’mma use this visor thing with the targeting computer in it.
Obi-Wan: LET GO!
Me: Are you Force-splaining how to destroy a Death Star to me?
Darth Vader (heavy, pervy breathing): The lunacy is strong with this one.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust me.
Me: That heavy-breathing perv just shot my robot! That’s it! Tick tock, m*therf*cker—your time is up! (*puts on theme song which is obviously Sugar How You Get So Fly, blasts everything in sight with my laser guns, manages to hit portal, Death Star detonates*)

I know—it ends just like the real Star Wars, but it was a lot more fun.

2) The Empire Strikes Back

Scene: Out on some glacier.

Me: Holy sh*t, it’s cold.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog. Mydangblog.
Me: You again? I told you to call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: You will go to the Disco-Bar system and learn yoga.
Me: What the actual f*ck? Urghhhh, it’s so cold…
Han Solo: Mydangblog!! Come on, give me a sign here! There’s not much time! I’m going to cut open this Tauntaun and put you inside it to keep you warm.
Me: GROSS. I’D RATHER DIE.

So in my world, I only appear in two Star Wars movies, but I stand by my choice. Tauntaun intestines are disgusting.

3) 2001: A Space Odyssey

Opening scene:

Monkeys all screaming and having some kind of monkey war. I suddenly appear, like a strange female monolith. They stop and stare.

Me: Hey chimps! Which one of you wants to be my monkey butler?

(*One monkey tentatively walks forward. He picks up a big bone from like a Tyrannosaurus or whatnot, and advances on me.*)

Me: OK, cool. I shall name you Ralph Van Wooster.

(*Monkey shakes his head and waves the bone menacingly. More monkeys start to move towards me.*)

Me: I think I’ve misjudged this situation terribly.

(*Monkeys stop their in-fighting and attack me with their dinosaur bones. Then they, after having united against me, live in peace and harmony until the end of time.*)

4) Psycho

Shower Scene:

Me, in the bathtub, splashing around and having a dandy time. For some reason, the shower curtain is pulled closed, which I would NEVER do in real life because I need to know if someone is sneaking up on me, but let’s suspend our disbelief for a moment. There’s the silhouette of a figure approaching, knife raised. The shower curtain is suddenly pulled back. Violins screech and then stop abruptly. Norman Bates looks confused.

Norman: Why aren’t you in the SHOWER?!
Me: Showers are the devil’s cleaning system! Get out of my bathroom, you psycho! (*grabs hammer that I always keep on the bathtub ledge and breaks his kneecap as theme song, Sugar How You Get So Fly, plays*)
Norman: I wouldn’t even harm a fly!…

Get me out of this shower!!

5) Lord of the Rings

Gandalf: OK, so you’re going to take the ring—
Me: I know, I know—to the tiptop of Mount Crumpet and there I’m going to dump it.
Gandalf: No, that’s wrong.
Me: Come on, Sam-wise—I need you to pull my sleigh.
Samwise: Of course, MyD–I mean Player One.
Me: Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.
Gandalf: Fly, you fools.

Cue theme song, which never gets old.

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50 thoughts on “My Week 241: I’m In The Movies

  1. I can totally see you in the Star Wars movies, not so much in the Psycho film though. I think you might just push ObiWan a tad to the breaking point there Player One, lmao. I somehow see myself in Gone With The Wind, telling Rhett, “who do you think you are mofo? Do you know who I am?” Yeah like that. Ha! 😎😁

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well there is universal appeal to the lyrics I suppose –

    So tight, so fly
    You got me lifted, you got me lifted
    You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceilin’
    And ooh wee it’s the ultimate feelin’
    You got me lifted feeling so gifted
    Sugar how you get so fly?
    Suga suga how you get so fly?
    Suga suga how you get so fly?
    Suga suga how you get so fly?
    Suga suga how you get so fly?
    You know it’s leather when we ride
    Wood grain and raw hide
    Doing what we do, watching screens getting high
    Girl you keep it so fly with your sweet honey buns
    You was there when the money gone
    You’ll be there when the money comes
    Off top I can’t lie I love to get blowed
    You my lil’ sugar, I’m yo little chulo
    And every time we kick it it’s off to the groovy
    Treat you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooy gooy (For real though)
    You got…

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh those are the lyrics to a different song–here are the lyrics to this one:
      Ooh, ooh, ooh
      Oh baby
      Ooh, ooh, hey
      She got cherry lips, angel eyes
      She knows exactly how to tantalize
      She’s out to get you, danger by design
      Cold blooded vixen, she don’t compromise
      She’s optimistic of the colored lights
      So far from typical, but take my advice
      Before you play with fire, do think twice
      And if you get burned, don’t be surprised
      Got me lifted, driftin’ higher than the ceiling
      Ooh, baby it’s the ultimate feeling
      You got me lifted feeling so gifted
      Sugar, how you get so fly?
      Sugar, how you get so fly?
      But sugar, how you get so fly?
      But sugar, sugar, how you get so fly?
      But sugar, how you get so fly?
      Sweet talking lady, love how you entice
      Sugar with just the right amount of spice
      Charming, alluring, everyone’s desire
      She’s out to get you, you can’t run, you can’t hide
      She’s something mystical in colored lights
      So far from typical but take my advice
      Before you play with fire, do think twice
      And if you get burned, well baby, don’t you be surprised
      Got me lifted, driftin’ higher than the ceiling
      And ooh baby, it’s the ultimate feeling
      You’ve got me lifted, feeling so gifted
      Sugar how you get so fly?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Let me just say, for the record, that I would pay TOP DOLLAR to see all these movies in their first run at the theater and then every time they’re in cable thereafter!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have no clue—I was half asleep and kind of dreaming about a gecko or something but gecko didn’t sound as good as salamander. As it turns out, salamander wasn’t that good either lol!

      Like

  4. All these movies are greatly improved by your presence. And your theme song. I especially like that you cast yourself as the lead in everything except Psycho, although I think it would be brilliant if you were in a Psycho prequel where instead of murdering your mother and keeping her corpse in the fruit cellar you two get a dog named Titus and use the fruit cellar for storing homemade jam.
    Also, I don’t know, maybe some guy named Ken checks into the hotel and makes artful photographs of your stuffed birds.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. A couple of those films would have been vastly improved (for me, at least) had you made your appearance in them. 2001 is pretty good as is.

    But if I start writing tweets in my sleep, take me down.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I would be Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink so I could kiss the guy. Wait, is thst not what we are doing here? Your version of Psycho is a major improvement for me.

    As far as twitter goes, I hate the tweet word myself. I thought I was alone there. I swear I am not 80 or anything, but I can not tweet.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Please, please make it happen–you create a YouTube channel with you rewriting and recreating (and obviously starring as your wise-cracking, making-film-better-one-scene-at-a-time self) classic movie scenes. Gold!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. goodness you pack much into every post & this one is no exception lolololol where do I begin?! will leave it how, when I was a kid was always afraid stuff would jump out of tub faucet & toilet…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Most of these movies are going to be so much shorter with your influence. Usually lots of interesting things happen along the way, but you seem to have a knack for just ruining things right out of the gate! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Kathleen Howell says:

    I love the idea of a YouTube channel!! Count me subscribed! Your tweet comment made me laugh – it reminded me of a time we were camping and my Twitter notification was a bird chirp. I heard a chirp, checked my phone….. and realized it was a real bird.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wanna know what will never get old? “Force-splaining.” I was literally in tears over that one and the disco-bar/yoga line. 🤣🤣🤣

    But you and I are a lot alike, in many ways. I mean, I stand in the shower with the curtain closed and I have a beer in there with me and not a hammer, so not in that way. I have never seen 2001: A Space Odyssey so I was lost with the monkey comments, so not in that way. I have also never heard your theme song before, so not in that way, either.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are very similar in that I also rarely tweet, don’t like the word tweet, and when I do tweet I regret it for several days because only Sean finds it likable. Only Sean’s name is “Dylan” in my story and, generally, he doesn’t like it, either.

    So, really, I don’t know what I’m trying to say except that “force-splaining” will now never get old. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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