The other night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an idea for the most amazing tweet. I don’t tweet a lot; I mostly read other people’s tweets and sometimes retweet (also, I hate the word tweet and having to use it this many times to set up this week’s story is making me want to smash my laptop), but in my semi-conscious state, I was convinced that it was something I absolutely had to say. So I tweeted out this:
Then I woke up the next morning, looked at what I had tweeted, and was slightly appalled. But then I comforted myself with the knowledge that Twitter is pretty much a cesspool anyway, so who cares if I say something random and dumb? I mean, it’s not like I’m an American president or a Canadian Conservative or something. Also, notice that the tweet got one ‘like’ (it was from my awesome blogger friend Sean P. Carlin–you should check him out). But then I got to thinking—what other movies would have been completely different if I’d been in them? So here are some films whose plots would definitely have suffered due to my presence:
1) Since I’m writing this on May the 4th, let’s start with Star Wars, at the moment before the Death Star is about to be destroyed…
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust your feelings.
Me: I really wish you would call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: Concentrate, Mydangblog.
Me: But all the other guys get cool nicknames! There’s Red Leader, Gold Leader, Wedge, Goose…aw, Goose just got exploded.
Obi-Wan: Goose was from Top Gun. Will you please concentrate?!
Me: Ok, I’m going into the weird tunnel. I’m gonna blow sh*t up!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Mydangblog.
Me: No way. I’mma use this visor thing with the targeting computer in it.
Obi-Wan: LET GO!
Me: Are you Force-splaining how to destroy a Death Star to me?
Darth Vader (heavy, pervy breathing): The lunacy is strong with this one.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust me.
Me: That heavy-breathing perv just shot my robot! That’s it! Tick tock, m*therf*cker—your time is up! (*puts on theme song which is obviously Sugar How You Get So Fly, blasts everything in sight with my laser guns, manages to hit portal, Death Star detonates*)
I know—it ends just like the real Star Wars, but it was a lot more fun.
2) The Empire Strikes Back
Scene: Out on some glacier.
Me: Holy sh*t, it’s cold.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog. Mydangblog.
Me: You again? I told you to call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: You will go to the Disco-Bar system and learn yoga.
Me: What the actual f*ck? Urghhhh, it’s so cold…
Han Solo: Mydangblog!! Come on, give me a sign here! There’s not much time! I’m going to cut open this Tauntaun and put you inside it to keep you warm.
Me: GROSS. I’D RATHER DIE.
So in my world, I only appear in two Star Wars movies, but I stand by my choice. Tauntaun intestines are disgusting.
3) 2001: A Space Odyssey
Opening scene:
Monkeys all screaming and having some kind of monkey war. I suddenly appear, like a strange female monolith. They stop and stare.
Me: Hey chimps! Which one of you wants to be my monkey butler?
(*One monkey tentatively walks forward. He picks up a big bone from like a Tyrannosaurus or whatnot, and advances on me.*)
Me: OK, cool. I shall name you Ralph Van Wooster.
(*Monkey shakes his head and waves the bone menacingly. More monkeys start to move towards me.*)
Me: I think I’ve misjudged this situation terribly.
(*Monkeys stop their in-fighting and attack me with their dinosaur bones. Then they, after having united against me, live in peace and harmony until the end of time.*)
4) Psycho
Shower Scene:
Me, in the bathtub, splashing around and having a dandy time. For some reason, the shower curtain is pulled closed, which I would NEVER do in real life because I need to know if someone is sneaking up on me, but let’s suspend our disbelief for a moment. There’s the silhouette of a figure approaching, knife raised. The shower curtain is suddenly pulled back. Violins screech and then stop abruptly. Norman Bates looks confused.
Norman: Why aren’t you in the SHOWER?!
Me: Showers are the devil’s cleaning system! Get out of my bathroom, you psycho! (*grabs hammer that I always keep on the bathtub ledge and breaks his kneecap as theme song, Sugar How You Get So Fly, plays*)
Norman: I wouldn’t even harm a fly!…
Get me out of this shower!!
5) Lord of the Rings
Gandalf: OK, so you’re going to take the ring—
Me: I know, I know—to the tiptop of Mount Crumpet and there I’m going to dump it.
Gandalf: No, that’s wrong.
Me: Come on, Sam-wise—I need you to pull my sleigh.
Samwise: Of course, MyD–I mean Player One.
Me: Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.
Gandalf: Fly, you fools.
Cue theme song, which never gets old.
I can totally see you in the Star Wars movies, not so much in the Psycho film though. I think you might just push ObiWan a tad to the breaking point there Player One, lmao. I somehow see myself in Gone With The Wind, telling Rhett, “who do you think you are mofo? Do you know who I am?” Yeah like that. Ha! 😎😁
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When he says, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, you’d be like “Same times 500!” You’re right about Psycho–I would NEVER actually close the shower curtain.
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Well there is universal appeal to the lyrics I suppose –
So tight, so fly
You got me lifted, you got me lifted
You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceilin’
And ooh wee it’s the ultimate feelin’
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
Suga suga how you get so fly?
You know it’s leather when we ride
Wood grain and raw hide
Doing what we do, watching screens getting high
Girl you keep it so fly with your sweet honey buns
You was there when the money gone
You’ll be there when the money comes
Off top I can’t lie I love to get blowed
You my lil’ sugar, I’m yo little chulo
And every time we kick it it’s off to the groovy
Treat you like my sticky icky or my sweet ooy gooy (For real though)
You got…
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Oh those are the lyrics to a different song–here are the lyrics to this one:
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Oh baby
Ooh, ooh, hey
She got cherry lips, angel eyes
She knows exactly how to tantalize
She’s out to get you, danger by design
Cold blooded vixen, she don’t compromise
She’s optimistic of the colored lights
So far from typical, but take my advice
Before you play with fire, do think twice
And if you get burned, don’t be surprised
Got me lifted, driftin’ higher than the ceiling
Ooh, baby it’s the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar, how you get so fly?
Sugar, how you get so fly?
But sugar, how you get so fly?
But sugar, sugar, how you get so fly?
But sugar, how you get so fly?
Sweet talking lady, love how you entice
Sugar with just the right amount of spice
Charming, alluring, everyone’s desire
She’s out to get you, you can’t run, you can’t hide
She’s something mystical in colored lights
So far from typical but take my advice
Before you play with fire, do think twice
And if you get burned, well baby, don’t you be surprised
Got me lifted, driftin’ higher than the ceiling
And ooh baby, it’s the ultimate feeling
You’ve got me lifted, feeling so gifted
Sugar how you get so fly?
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Thanks for straightening that out.
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That was brilliant. I may just start badgering Merriam-Webster to add Force-splaining to the next edition of the dictionary.
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Thanks–considering the prevalence of Star Wars in popular culture, it might be necessary!
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Let me just say, for the record, that I would pay TOP DOLLAR to see all these movies in their first run at the theater and then every time they’re in cable thereafter!!!
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Salamander? : ))
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I have no clue—I was half asleep and kind of dreaming about a gecko or something but gecko didn’t sound as good as salamander. As it turns out, salamander wasn’t that good either lol!
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I often see sb sneaking up on me in the shower. That movie did the job right.
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Ken knows better than to ever sneak up on me anytime—I have weapons all over the house!
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Hub does that, always saying-what are u scared of? Hello, you’re the one who’s sneaking up.
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All these movies are greatly improved by your presence. And your theme song. I especially like that you cast yourself as the lead in everything except Psycho, although I think it would be brilliant if you were in a Psycho prequel where instead of murdering your mother and keeping her corpse in the fruit cellar you two get a dog named Titus and use the fruit cellar for storing homemade jam.
Also, I don’t know, maybe some guy named Ken checks into the hotel and makes artful photographs of your stuffed birds.
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So instead of a thriller, it would be a romance with a dog angle—I love it!!
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Is it homemade human jam? If so, I think you may be on to something…
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😂😂😂😂😂
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A couple of those films would have been vastly improved (for me, at least) had you made your appearance in them. 2001 is pretty good as is.
But if I start writing tweets in my sleep, take me down.
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I think some of Kubrick’s silent spaces needed sprucing up but definitely not with tweets!
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I would be Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink so I could kiss the guy. Wait, is thst not what we are doing here? Your version of Psycho is a major improvement for me.
As far as twitter goes, I hate the tweet word myself. I thought I was alone there. I swear I am not 80 or anything, but I can not tweet.
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That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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I have always felt that good old Norman simply needed a night out on the town. He’s a little wound up and a little change of scenery would have done wonders.
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Maybe a trip to the carnival:-)
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Please, please make it happen–you create a YouTube channel with you rewriting and recreating (and obviously starring as your wise-cracking, making-film-better-one-scene-at-a-time self) classic movie scenes. Gold!
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So long as no one minds the (very) cheap production values–it will be kind of like Plan 9 from Outer Space with tin pie plates for space ships!
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Too funny!!! Can I have your autograph???
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Of course–one day, mydangblog’s autograph might be worth at least 50 cents!
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Every penny counts – Right???
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Ah! And this is post is why I absolutely adore you, Player One! Hysterical and I can’t stop smiling!
Mona
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The feeling is mutual, Epithet!!
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goodness you pack much into every post & this one is no exception lolololol where do I begin?! will leave it how, when I was a kid was always afraid stuff would jump out of tub faucet & toilet…
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Me too, especially after I’d seen Jaws!
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Ah see ? I think your versions could work well 😀
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I think there are definite possibilities here!
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There are many. What comes to mind first?
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Good luck with that monkey butler!
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I’m starting to think I’m never going to get one…
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Most of these movies are going to be so much shorter with your influence. Usually lots of interesting things happen along the way, but you seem to have a knack for just ruining things right out of the gate! 😉
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Why take 2 hours when 10 minutes will do?! I’m low budget😁
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I love the idea of a YouTube channel!! Count me subscribed! Your tweet comment made me laugh – it reminded me of a time we were camping and my Twitter notification was a bird chirp. I heard a chirp, checked my phone….. and realized it was a real bird.
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Oh that’s funny! I have a colleague whose ring tone is a duck quacking—it’s so realistic!
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Your taste in cinema is impeccable and your alterations genius!!!
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I’m ready for my close-up!
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I am wondering what strange food you must ingest before bed to put salamanders top of mind:). Do tell . ..
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Must be the white wine…😁
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Ah, of course. I thought you were going to give me some odd combo, like pizza and sardines :-).
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I would love to cast your blog in a screwball comedy from the 1930s, something with Carole Lombard.
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Either that or son Monty Python-esque!
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Wanna know what will never get old? “Force-splaining.” I was literally in tears over that one and the disco-bar/yoga line. 🤣🤣🤣
But you and I are a lot alike, in many ways. I mean, I stand in the shower with the curtain closed and I have a beer in there with me and not a hammer, so not in that way. I have never seen 2001: A Space Odyssey so I was lost with the monkey comments, so not in that way. I have also never heard your theme song before, so not in that way, either.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are very similar in that I also rarely tweet, don’t like the word tweet, and when I do tweet I regret it for several days because only Sean finds it likable. Only Sean’s name is “Dylan” in my story and, generally, he doesn’t like it, either.
So, really, I don’t know what I’m trying to say except that “force-splaining” will now never get old. 🙂
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You HAVE to watch the first five minutes of 2001, and imagine me there. 🤣🤣 And beer in the shower is as excellent as wine in the bath!
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