My Week 232: The Mystery of the Tip Sheet on the Table

Something very strange happened to me this week, a mystery worthy of Nancy Drew, and if you’re familiar with the intrepid young detective, you’ll be happy to note that, just like Nancy, I was wearing pearls, and my handbag matched my pumps. Because nothing screams “I can solve crimes better than the Hardy Boys!” like wardrobe coordination. If you come here often, you’ll know I’m quite frequently beset by mysteries—there are so many, including The Mystery of the Mouthguard on the Landing (still unsolved), The Mystery of the Box of Porn on the Porch (it was the wife of the local church deacon—who’d have thought?!), The Mystery of the Salt in My Hair (we’ll never know), and more recently, Who The F*ck Is Daniel: A Netflix Original.

But this one? This one is freaking me out more than all of them put together. Here’s the scenario:

On Wednesday, I was working late, trying to create one Excel spreadsheet by cobbling together the information from about three others. I was having a terrible time so I wandered out of my office and found that there were a couple of people on our floor. I asked the first woman if she knew anything about copying and pasting into Excel, and she replied, “Mais non, pas vraiment—I tink you jus’ ‘ighlight de cell and right-click” (she’s very French, as you can see). I made my way back to my office but on the way, I realized that one of my team members was still working, so I asked her. She was a little more familiar with the hidden ways of Microsoft so she came back to my office with me and we kind of stared at it for a while, and then she said, “I really tink you jus’ ‘ighlight de cell and right-click comme ca” (she’s also French, obvs), and she did it, and the cell moved. So I thought I was all set, but ultimately it didn’t work for reasons which will bore the sh*t out of you, and this preamble is already too long. I finally resorted to individually copying and pasting each of about 150 cells. Then I went home.

The next morning, I opened my office door, and there, right smack in the middle of my table was a “2013 Excel Tip Sheet”. And I was like, “Aw, I work with such nice people!” I went to thank the first colleague and she looked puzzled. “Non, it was not moi,” she said. Then my team member arrived and I brought the Tip Sheet out and said, “Thank you so much for this—it was very thoughtful” and her brow furrowed and she said, “It was not moi.” And then another team member said, “Don’t you lock your office when you leave? How did someone get in there to put it on your table?” and I had a sudden epiphany that made my blood run cold. Someone HAD been in my office! But it was still locked when I arrived on Thursday morning, so how could this have happened?!

The evidence.

And it was terrible because, first and foremost, I LOVE my office. It’s my sanctum sanctorum, my beautiful refuge. It’s bright and airy, and big enough to hold team meetings in, and I have plants and a mini-frig and assorted antique boxes and my signed Gary Numan poster on the wall. It’s the best office of all of them, except for the senior exec. offices. It’s a fact, although sometimes it sounds like I’m bragging. For example, the other day, a new manager started. We needed to have a joint Skype meeting with our director so we had to decide whose office to use:

Me: So do you want to use yours or mine?
New Guy: It doesn’t really matter.
Me: We should probably use mine. It’s big and it has a window. You can see the CN Tower.
Other Colleague: Haha—are you bragging?
Me: No! It’s just that mine is really bright and comfortable. I have 3 screens and those nice wheely chairs…
Other Colleague: So braggy…
Me: No, I…
New Guy (looks around his own small office with no windows and only two screens): Sigh. Yours is fine.
Me: Do you like cappuccino? I have a Keurig.

But now, my office had been violated and I was beside myself. And to make matters worse, we all decided that the only way anyone could have known about my Excel problem was if my office was also BUGGED. Someone has heard all the crazy things that happen in there, which is mostly me having fairly mundane meetings, me singing off-key, me swearing at the computer, and me whispering, “Math…so much math” under my breath (which is a story for next week). And while the idea that we have an office spy and I need a cone of silence seems outlandish, it’s more logical than any of the other solutions I can think of:

1) My office is haunted by a software-savvy ghost. This is highly doubtful because I was given no assistance whatsoever with the Adobe debacle of 2017.

2) I’m being anonymously gaslit (or is it “gaslighted”?). Again, doubtful. I’ve been gaslit before, and it wasn’t anywhere NEAR this helpful:

Bob: I never said that.
Me: You said it to my face yesterday.
Bob: No, I didn’t. You’re imagining things. What are you going to accuse me of next? Telling everyone you suck at Excel?!
Me: You did that last week…
Bob: Maybe you shouldn’t have taken me off FACEBOOK!!

3) The only person who has a key to my office is someone on the cleaning staff. Could it have been a helpful custodian who also moonlights as an IT trouble-shooter and overheard me swearing at my computer? But if that was true, wouldn’t there have also been a cheery sticky note attached to the Tip Sheet that said, “Have an Excel-ent day!”?

But I’ve formulated a secret plan. I have an antique cheese box on the table that contains individually wrapped chocolate squares. I keep it filled in case any of my co-workers are in need of a quick pick-me-up, and I can use this to my advantage. No, I am NOT going to poison the chocolates—I’m a detective, not a serial killer. Instead, I’ve carefully counted the number of chocolates in the box. When I get to work on Monday, we’ll see if any have been taken over the weekend. And if the spy happens to be reading this—do you have anything on how to do a Google Hangout?

53 thoughts on “My Week 232: The Mystery of the Tip Sheet on the Table”

  3. You’re worried that someone bugged your office and is spying on you… umm, I thought you were an office full of spies and secret agents?
    Next time you’re stuck on Excel just drop me a line (although if it’s after lunch your time I may be watching telly or something). 🙂

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  4. Wow, and I thought your mystery of “Who the Fuck is Daniel” was riveting! Who or what would leave you a tip sheet in Excel? The plot thickens, and gosh that Bob dude is a prick I mean you can take anyone you want off of your own FB for gods sake. It was him, just sayin.

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  6. I’m sitting here with my fingers crossed saying, Please let it be a ghost, please let it be a ghost. Even though I’m skeptical about the supernatural it would be so cool to be proven wrong. Although I’m also wondering if there was someone else you didn’t notice who was around when you asked your coworkers for help with Excel and they overheard you asking for help and gave the cleaning person the tip sheet and said, “Would you please put this on her desk and also let me in there so I can see the CN Tower at night under the watchful eye of Gary Numan? Cars!”
    Although it is really weird that someone printed Excel tips rather than emailing them to you. What is this, the 1980’s? And we can be glad that it’s not because Excel 1986 was awful.
    Also I’ve checked Netflix and I’m disappointed that the first season of “Who The F*ck Is Daniel?” hasn’t dropped yet.

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  8. Definitely bugged. D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y. (or not.) Probably an IT guy, you copy and paste THAT much… IT will be notified “excessive copy and pasting in that office that you can see the CN tower from!” Get that chick a cheat sheet! (or not.) It’s a ghost or a ‘positivity’ bully/gaslighter…or not???

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  10. A ghost from a 1920’s radio show would be awesome. Why did I just say 1920’s radio show? Haven’t a clue. it’s almost nine on a Sunday night. Maybe that has something to do with it.

    I say cleaning staff. Someone overheard you and gave you a surprise gift. That’s my guess.

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    • No, still 34. Someone suggested this morning that someone could have slid it under my door and the cleaner put it on the table, but why wouldn’t someone just tell me?! They’re probably killing themselves laughing at me right now:-)

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  14. Ooh – this is a good mystery! I love that the exact thing you needed was left by an unknown (and tardy) but helpful person.

    A few years ago, a couple of guys in the U.S. did a mini YouTube series about working in an office, which they filmed in their cubicles after everyone went home at night. It is hilarious, especially the episode where one guy borrows a stapler and refuses to return it. Anyway, the incident you describe would make for a terrific YouTube episode. Especially if it can be filmed in your commodious office.

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  17. So bizarre. I mean, if it had been an electronic tip sheet, different story. Our phones and Google Homes, etc.–our devices are truly listening. As evidenced by the bevy of ads I get relating to something I’ve just had a conversation about (creepy–I’ve been turning them off more often than not). But a paper version? Now that’s just weird.

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