My Week 230: Gaffes and Guffaws

Gaffes

So if you know me at all, you’ll know I’m prone to gaffes, blunders, faux pas—whatever you’d like to call it, I regularly have super-embarrassing moments either of my own making or someone else’s. This week was no different.

1) On Monday, I was in a meeting. We were having a discussion, and towards the end, just to emphasize my own position, I made a statement in which I somehow used the word ‘penis’. I can’t give you a lot of context because I work for a secret agency and this was something that would be considered part of the secret, but rest assured, it wasn’t particularly necessary for me to have used that particular word IN that context. Anyhow, I realized to my horror that I had just said the word ‘penis’. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that word but it’s just that I was in mixed company, and it was a rather high level meeting. So I did what any normal person would do—I said, “Wow, I’m so sorry—I can’t believe I just said ‘penis’!” Because if saying it once is bad, saying it twice will make a situation infinitely better. One of my male colleagues said, “That’s OK—I’d stopped recording” and I was like “You were RECORDING?!” because then I had to think, ‘My god, what else did I say?’ The meeting was pretty much over by then, so I stood up and turned to ostensibly stare out the window, but the truth was that I was trying not to laugh in that hysterical way that people laugh when they’re hoping they don’t get fired for saying ‘penis’ in a meeting. Twice.

2) On Tuesday, I went out for a little retail therapy. There’s a tiny store across the corner from work that sells really cool clothes—I don’t know what it’s called, but I just refer to it as “the store at the bottom of the escalator” and everyone always says “Oh yeah—I know that place.” I went in and found a few things that I liked and went into the change room. The change room is actually a tiny, triangular closet and the mirror is on the OUTSIDE of the door, so you have to put the clothes on, then go out and see what they look like. So I struggled to get all my winter clothes off, and then struggled to put on pants and a top, and then opened the door and almost hit a woman who was literally just standing there. So I said, “Excuse me” so I could look in the mirror. It was hard to see myself with her blocking my view, but I caught a glimpse and I looked ok. Then I said, “What do you think?” hoping that she would take the hint and realize I was trying on clothes, and she looked at me and answered, “Meh.” MEH?! What the f*ck, lady?! So I said, “You don’t think this looks ok?” and she looked me up and down, shrugged, and said, “No, not really.” And I was like, ‘Screw you!’ (in my head, because she was bigger than me), and I bought the outfit anyway. Then I wore it to work the next day, and when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I realized she was right.

3) I pretty much completely forgot Valentine’s Day. I went home on the train a day early because I was working off-site on Friday, and Ken picked me up from the train station. We both said “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other and I thought that was the end of it. Then I walked in the house and there was a huge bouquet of flowers, a card, and gifts waiting for me. And I didn’t even have the wherewithal to say “Oh damn—I forgot your card and present in Toronto!” Ken looked at me expectantly, and all I could do is sigh and say, “I’ll make dinner.” Luckily, the local grocery store still had cards the next day, because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a belated Valentine’s day card. But I do love you, Ken, even if I get sidetracked and forget important occasions like Valentine’s Day, birthdays, the fourteenth anniversary of the day we met, the seventeenth anniversary of our first date, and whatnot, because you’re awesome at remembering for both of us.

4) I got an email from one of our senior execs while I was off-site yesterday, and I was doing something else on my laptop, so I used my phone to reply. When I signed off, my phone autocorrected my name so that it said, “Thanks, Suzo.” I hit send before I realized it, but now I’m hoping that he thought I did it on purpose and that he starts a trend by referring to me as Suzo all the time, which is much cooler than ‘the weirdo who says penis a lot’.

Guffaws

Here are three things that made me laugh insanely:

Terrifyingly realistic for a zombie baby.

1) This ad was posted on our local Buy and Sell page. Take a moment and do what I did. Look at the picture and description and think about ALL the babies you’ve ever known, and consider the great discrepancy between the ad and reality. This is the kind of doll that lives under your bed and crawls out at night to chew your arm off. The only detail I’m interested in is “Does it eat brains?” I mean, what kind of life are you living if you think THAT is a life-like representation of a small child?!

2) Ken and I were in an antique mall a while ago, and I saw this suitcase. “Have Wang, will travel”, am I right? Am I juvenile? Obvs.

Sounds like a fun time.

3) In the same antique mall, I saw this old box. I started laughing and said to Ken, “Cold punched nuts? That is indeed a special screw—that’s some real S and M sh*t right there!” and I kept snickering like a twelve year-old and the people wandering behind us with a small child probably wondered how I manage to hold down a job. I wonder that sometimes too. Penis.

 

 

 

52 thoughts on “My Week 230: Gaffes and Guffaws”

  2. Haha, hilarious meeting notes. We had someone come in from the main campus (Far East Texas), came back from lunch and had eaten chicken fajitas. He said in the meeting he really loved having chicken vagitas…..AWKWARD! I’m like we know chickens have vaginas, I think at least the female chickens. Anyway no one corrected him throughout the meeting but three of us were desperately trying not to burst out in inappropriate laughter in a very important meeting. Lol.
    I would have laughed all through the antique mall at that cold punched nuts thing. As a matter of fact, I’m going to try and work that into a conversation tomorrow at work, you know for fun. 🤣

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    • Vagitas–that’s awesome! I don’t think I could have restrained myself, considering I once laughed hysterically at a presenter who thanked us all for ‘exposing ourselves’, much to the chagrin of my director, who was sitting next to me!

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  3. I adore your super-embarrassing moments.

    I’m terrible at remembering anniversaries, birthdays and dates in general too (my parents usually call to remind me).

    Remember when I told you Suza means ‘tear’ in Serbian. Well, it changes depending of cases (a total of 7). If sb called you, they’d say – (hey) Suzo! So, it sounds perfectly fine to me.

    Btw, that doll is creepy.

    P.S. Though you feel sad today, you always make my day. Hugs.

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  5. I was snowed in on Valentine’s Day and the day before so my plan to buy was thwarted. I was standing in line at the store the next day and saw all the clearance bouquets and thought that was not the kind of make-up purchase I wanted to give. I did shovel the driveway so she could get her car out on Thursday, does that count?

    I’ll probably do something big like send flowers to her work as a “just because” thing. I’ll know it’s a make-up gift and so will she. Or I’ll buy her a $1200 puppy. Shouldn’t that count?

    I will go on record as saying this, but don’t judge me for it: I kind of resent being told when I have to do something nice for my girl. It seems … artificial … when done that way. It always has to me. That said, I partake in the ritual far more often than not. So I’m a rebel but still a sheep. I’m a Sheebel. I’m a Reep. I don’t know.

    Penis.

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  6. I so want to go shopping with you. You need a wingman who still might give you a “meh,” but will do so with the spirit of camaraderie and perhaps wine. Sometimes things just get said in business meetings. Twice. Bahhhhh!

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  9. You’ve done it again Suzo, back from your cruise-o, drinking ouzo, and if I keep this up you’ll blow a fuse-o but cold punched nuts can leave quite a bruise-o.
    Honestly I think you should go by “Suzo” permanently now, because that’s the perfect name for someone whose gaffes prompt so many laughs.
    And that doll is frighteningly lifelike. I’ve seen babies that creepy. I’ve seen some that were pretty cute, too. Babies are like everybody else: some are creepy, some are cute, and some are just hilarious.
    Also the Wang store reminds me of the time a friend told a girl there was a brand of computer called “Wang”. She asked “What games do you play on your Wang?” He blurted out “I don’t have one!”
    Poor guy. We never let him live that down.

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  10. I have been sitting in a lot more meetings at work than usual lately, and I’ve had several “I can’t believe I am in the process of saying this out loud but it’s too late to stop the sentence now” moments. I’d be well-served to not start any more sentences than normal.

    Granted, thankfully, none of the sentences have contained the word “penis”. Yet.

    By the way, I think I resolved my comment issues over on the blog. I wasn’t planning to do anything else this morning anyway.

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  13. I used to work in the medical insurance field. One day I was discussing a patient who needed multiple organs transplanted. I know at some point in the conversation I mistakenly said multiple orgasm instead of multiple organs. That was 20 years ago. I suspect that you will be carrying that penis around for a while (both of them).

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  15. Allen St. Clair says:

    I always say “Penis” if I have nothing else to contribute to a conversation and feel that people are expecting me to contribute further. I see nothing wrong with it. 😉

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  19. You’re awesome, Suzo-Wonder Lady.

    Why is it a two year old can run around naked yelling, “Look at my penis!” but if I did it (especially on a Sunday near all the churches) I would spend the majority of my day in jail?

    Society puzzles me.

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