My Week 224: I Am Nothing If Not Resolved; Tagged

You’ll have to forgive me for being a little bleary-eyed this morning because Ken and I were up a bit in the night. At around 2 this morning, we both woke up to “Beep!…Beep!”

Me: It sounds like the battery in the smoke alarm is dying.
Ken: I’ll pull the battery out and get a new one in the morning.
Me: OK.

5 minutes later: “Beep!”

Me: Is it the carbon dioxide detector? I thought it plugged in.
Ken: It has a battery back-up. Hang on, I’ll go unplug it and pull out the battery.

5 minutes later: “Beep!”

Me: I think it’s the one in the living one.
Ken: I’ll have to go outside and get the ladder.
Me: Can’t you just stand on the coffee table?
Ken: No, the ceiling is too high. I’ll be right back.

10 minutes later: “Beep!”

Me: What the actual f*ck?
Ken: It’s either the smoke alarm in the back room or the carbon monoxide detector downstairs. God, I’m still freezing. Hang on—I’ll pull both of them.

5 minutes later:

Me: I guess it must have been one of the ones downstairs. Did you put the batteries back in all the other ones?
Ken: No, why?
Me: We’re completely vulnerable. What if there’s a fire or a gas leak while we’re asleep? WE’LL NEVER KNOW, KEN!
Ken: Sigh. I’ll be right back.

Anyway, that isn’t the topic for today, but it might explain why I’m so tired. Today’s topic is actually about New Year’s Resolutions, which I do not make, mostly because if I want to change something about my life, I do it when I think of it, not on some arbitrary and imaginary date line. But still, the moving forward of time does give one pause, and by “pause” I mean “let’s stop and think about what the f*ck we’re doing and do we want to keep on doing that?” So here are a couple of things I will or will not be doing in 2019:

1) I will no longer be distracted by things when I’m having a serious conversation with someone. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I was speaking with a colleague in my office when I realized that there was something in my boot, like a small piece of gravel or a large piece of lint. Mid-sentence, I reached down, took off my boot, shook the gravel out, looked inside the boot, put it back on my foot, and continued with the conversation. I’m extremely fortunate that I work with people who don’t seem to care about things like that, but still, it must be disconcerting to find yourself in the middle of a performance of Waiting for Godot. Or maybe she was impressed by my multi-tasking skills. Another time, I was in a meeting, and someone said, “It’s like an icebox in here” and I started thinking about what if we were actually holding the meeting IN an icebox, and would there be sides of beef just hanging there, and could we see our breath and whatnot instead of focusing on performance measures. I didn’t say anything out loud–I’m not that weird (or maybe I am–don’t judge me). Either way, I feel like it’s a slippery slope from boot examination to toenail clipping. Ken said he had a similar situation once when he was talking to a woman who, during the conversation, reached up under her skirt and hoiked up her pantyhose. I asked what he thought, and he said, “I guess it was really bothering her. I mean, you do what you have to do, right?”

2) I will continue inventing words. You may have noticed that, in the previous paragraph, I used the word “hoik”. I use this word all the time. It means “hoist and yank”. I thought it was a real word until I used it the other day when I was telling the very nice gentleman I work with about my roommate and how she had broken my toilet:

Me: She must have really hoiked on that handle!
Very Nice Gentleman: Did you say ‘hoik’? What does that mean?
Me: Hoik? You know, like this! (*mimes hoisting and yanking and makes the appropriate hoisting and yanking sound, which is ‘hoyk’*)
VNG: I’ve never heard of that word.
Me: Well, I didn’t just make it up.

Turns out that I did. I googled it and there’s no such word. But it’s a damn good word, useful for many occasions, and since I am very good at the made-up words, I will continue to invent them. My latest is “stabscara”, which is when you poke yourself in the eye with a mascara wand, as in “Oh my god! I just stabscara-d myself!!” or “I love your new eyepatch.” “Yes, I happened to stabscara myself but it all worked out in the end.”

3) I will stop being so bad at potlucks. We have potlucks at work all the time, and I don’t have a lot of fancy cooking equipment and whatnot at my condo, so whenever we have a sign-up, I just put “Drinks”. And while you might think that would make me popular, I learned my lesson after the liquor-filled chocolate fiasco of 2017, and by drinks, I now mean 2 cases of Perrier, which is terribly boring and probably a let-down for everyone who saw HOW I had signed up for the potluck in what appeared to be a very boozy way:

Go home, Suzanne–you’re drunk again.

People were bringing in crockpots and crystal trays and poinsettias and wreaths, and I was like, “Here. Stow these babies in the mini-fridge”. Well, they all got drunk—the cans, not my colleagues. In the future, I will try to be a little more creative, like putting bows on the Perrier boxes or something. Also, I would love to have the confidence of the person who simply wrote “Something Special”:

Me: So what did you bring to the potluck, Cathy?
Cathy: Something special.
Me: Processed cheese on Ritz Crackers?
Cathy: It’s special.
Me: But it’s just–
Cathy: SO SPECIAL.

4) I will continue to write. My only purpose in writing this blog is to make people happy, so I will keep on trying to do that. I am nothing if not resolved.

Tag!!

So I got tagged by Lille Sparven by way of a recommendation from Mona at Wayward Sparkles to answer three questions.

Question 1: What is the first thing you remember writing?

It was a poem about a windy day that I wrote when I was in about grade 3—I think my mom still has it. It was something like this:

What do you do on a windy day
When the wind is pushing you on your way?
Why, you should quite simply say,
Wind, oh wind, just let me play!
Then oh wind, do as you please,
Take me to fairyland with the breeze…

I can’t remember the rest but it was probably also very 8-year-old-ish, with several more youthfully optimistic exclamation marks. I also remember writing a really cool story about a rollercoaster which my teacher slashed up with red pen because of my use of fragmented sentences. For emphasis.

Question 2: Do certain dates (births, deaths, anniversaries of all sorts) carry great weight and significance for you, around the calendar, or do you tend to observe them as things come up at any point in time and remind you of those people and events?

No. I’m terrible at this. I struggle to remember birthdays, anniversaries, and anything like that. Ken is always the one who’s like “Guess what day it is today!!” and then hands me a card and a gift and I’m like “Oh f*ck”. But my brother told me a great trick the other day for when you forget an occasion—you just quickly go on Amazon and buy something, then show the person the item and say, “It hasn’t arrived yet because of the postal strike, but it will be here soon. Sorry to spoil the surprise!” And if the person says, “What postal strike?”, you just say, “You know, the one in California.” No one can prove or disprove that statement and you look considerate instead of like a dick.

Question 3: What did you do the first day you had your driver’s license and unaccompanied access to a car, keys in hand?

Oh man. I got my license 37 years ago. It took me three tries because I couldn’t parallel park. I can tell you that the first thing I did NOT do was parallel park anywhere, and I have never had occasion to do it in 37 years. Most likely, on the first Saturday night after I got my license, I told my mom I was going to the roller rink, and then went to the dance club I’d been going to underage for months—only this time, I screwed myself. I had to come home early because the car had a curfew. Not me—the car.

Thanks for the tag, Lille—I hope you enjoyed my attempts to answer!

Here are three questions for any of my friends to answer:

1) What is the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?
2) Alien or Predator?
3) What would you bring to a potluck?

74 thoughts on “My Week 224: I Am Nothing If Not Resolved; Tagged”

  1. All is right in my Sunday now that I have read and laughed and been heartily enlightened by you, Suzanne. I feel like I should try and be eloquent, but screw that….you are just so fucking hysterical and you make my life better. There is no one like you!!!!!

    My (sorry but not enough coffee and somewhat uninspired) attempt at answers to your questions:

    1. I am pretty sure I can’t remember the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me because I was probably a bit tipsy at the time….there is also that menopause fog thing going on.

    2. Alien! Without question!

    3.Wine, of course!

    Happy Sunday, Suzanne

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  4. Hi Suzanne, I’ve had one of those “chirping, beeping detector nights from hell” too. A couple of weeks ago the same thing happened to me. Out of all the ones I have throughout the house it turned out to be the one in the kitchen. But by then and after an hour of hunting it down, sleep deprived and annoyed I got the hammer from under the sink and whacked it off the wall. After that I was able to sleep, lol.
    1. The first thing I wrote was a short story about our church being haunted, I was in sixth grade.
    2. Predator
    3. Wines hello? Lol
    I hope you are able to rest some, thanks as always for your insightful and comedic experiences.

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  5. Allen St. Clair says:

    This reminds me of my Midwesterner way of saying “Ohp” when I almost run into someone or drop something. It’s a mixture of “whoa” and “oops”. But “hoik” and “stabscara” are brilliant!

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  6. Authoress51 says:

    1. Weirdest thing ever happened? Went to the wrong restroom while on a train. Think I was under 10.
    2. Alien or Predators? Neither. Haven’t seen either. Probably should.
    3
    Potluck? Mustard Style Potato Salad because I love it!

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  7. Nothing starts me off in a bad mood for the day like stabscara. Why do they make something so bristly and pointy that you’re supposed to wield within a millimeter of your eyeball? Why not just make the wand out of broken glass and sandpaper while they’re at it?

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  8. The best thing about your new words is they sound exactly like what they are. Why can’t more words be like that? When you hear words like “fungible” or “pithy” you have to wonder how those letters got put together to become what they are (hint, neither are related to fungus or feeling sorry for someone).

    To answer your questions:

    1. I dumspilt half a container of honey mustard on my shirt this morning.
    2. Batman.
    3. I always show up way late to potlucks and call ahead, saying “I’m running late and still have to stop and get something to bring … what do we need?!” to which the inevitable reply is “Just you, bud, we have plenty of everything!” I’m insanely evil like that.

    By the way, I have never parallel parked in my life. I just drive on to the next full opening, even if I have to walk a bit. I’m afraid if I try, at this point, I would just hoik it all up. 😏

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  9. I loved your poem.1) Weirdest thing that ever happened to me…Lawd I don’t have the time to sort through that trash bin at the moment. 2) Alien 3) If I like the people and have the time Chicken Parm. If I’m phoning it in I’m a case of water and not even the fizzy kind just straight up Poland Springs.

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  10. Hoick (with or without a C) is totally a word that gets used in Britain:
    https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hoick

    But, more importantly, what the hell is a potluck? I think it might be what is referred to in the northern parts of England as a fuddle. I had never heard that term until I moved 60 miles north of where I was born, which is clearly a long way, linguistically speaking. Don’t even think about asking Brits what they call a bread roll; that’s a whole dictionary you don’t want to have to worry about.
    “Batch”, in case you were wondering what my home town term is. And I’ll leave it at that.

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  11. Trainwine, the first poem I remember writing was in 9th grade and it was about my kitten, Buford. I still remember it for some weird reason. Anyway, it goes like this:

    Poor Little Buford, Poor Little Kitten
    You were killed while you were sittin’
    ‘Neath our truck, it started to roll
    It took your life and it took your soul
    It was an accident
    They do happen
    But knowing that doesn’t bring back you, my Kitten
    But maybe now
    You’re in a better place
    One that doesn’t have accidents
    That leave space
    Where you should be in our family
    So, please remember, my precious Kitten
    That you are loved
    And will not be forgotten

    Okay, and now I’m sad. He was a beautiful little kitty.

    As to your questions:
    1)Weird happens to me just about every day, which I guess makes it normal in my world? Uhm….I’ll have to get back to you on that! Can you define “weird?”
    2) Are you talking about the movies because I haven’t seen either because you know, I’m afeared of those kind of movies! I wouldn’t mind meeting a space alien, though, as long as it/ they weren’t a predator and they were cool and chill and taught me stuff that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to know. And no probing. We don’t do that sh!t. Also, if I ever were to encounter an alien (nice or otherwise), that would be the answer to your first question because I think that would fit that definition.
    3) Cinnabons, of course, because who doesn’t like a good Cinnabon? Goes perfectly with wine, Perrier or milk (lactose-free, of course.)

    BTW, I love “hoik” and “stabscara”! And anything that starts beeping during the night should be immediately annihilated! Also, I look forward to your providing us with more words that we need to describe what we currently can’t without words that we don’t yet have.

    So glad that you will continue to blog in 2019. I was sad to learn that Tanya at the incurable dreamer is ending her blog! 😦

    Okay, this is turning out to be a melancholy response. I’m sad again. Sorry ’bout that! I think I need to eat something! Have a lovely rest of your day!

    Mona

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    • Oh your poor kitty! But that was a lovely tribute. Yes, I was also sad about Tanya, as well as 3 other blogger pals who all closed their blogs in the last month, leaving me gutted. But me—there’s so much weird that I have to keep writing about!

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  12. I think we’ve all had the chirpy alarm nightmare and I call it a nightmare even though it happens when we’re awake, or it wakes us up, but it always happens in the middle of the night.
    And there’s nothing wrong with multitasking. Also bringing drinks to the potluck. People need drinks. That something special is salty.
    Anyway:
    1) I can’t narrow down one single weirdest thing that happened to me. I had so much weirdness just this week.
    2) Predator. Alien just bursts out of people’s chests and goes on a killing spree. Predator works at it.
    3) A company my business works with sent me a giant box of baklava for Christmas. Somehow they have my name as the contact person so it was delivered right to me. It was a dozen pieces each of eight different kinds of baklava. I took it to the office holiday potluck.
    I feel a little guilty about that and also I tried each one because I am a baklavaholic.
    You inspired me to create that word.

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    • Finally, someone said Predator—I knew I could count on you! Baklavaholic is awesome. I have another one—whenever we go for shawarma, I always say it’s Falofel-y good. I know that’s brutal but it makes ME laugh!

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  14. Isn’t it funny when the carbon monoxide detector starts making noise we just unplug it instead of checking for carbon monoxide or opening windows to get fresh air? How exactly can we know they work? I can burn something while cooking and know that the smoke alarm is working. LOL.
    So glad you are going to keep writing. Your posts always brighten my day. 🙂

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    • I once had the carbon monoxide detector go off at our cottage. We evacuated—it wasn’t a beep, it was screeching. Luckily it had just malfunctioned but it was scary. And thanks—I’m glad I could make your day brighter!

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  16. ‘Hoik’ is LEGIT, Suzanne! I could feel exactly what needed to be done when
    I read the word. Well done. Thank you for continuing to write. I mean, one of us has to do it, and you’re so good at it! You’re part of every happy Sunday I have.

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  17. 1. The weirdest thing that ever happened to me, but also one of the best; being united, after 59 years, with my half-sister, who I never knew existed! We were both adopted.
    2. Predator, because he knows how to kill the Alien, and he has cool tech gadgets. The Alien’s just gross!
    3. Sweet and sour meatballs, because they’re easy to make, and always popular with everyone.

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  19. I’ve learned I’m lousy at New Year’s Resolutions so none for me this year or the next or the next…..I’m at my best when I play it by ear.
    Oh actually, there’s one, I’ll go on writing too. I stopped once. I won’t let that happen again. Ever.

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  20. ‘Hoik’ is definitely a word – I hoik myself up all the time! It’s difficult to concentrate when someone is talking and you’ve got an itch or a pain somewhere – I would have done the same! Where I’m from we use the term ‘skriking’ meaning to cry, and when I moved away the locals in my new city were really confused…

    Hilarious as always (I still haven’t passed my driving test and have no intention of doing so haha)

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  21. Kathleen Howell says:

    I love this post! Especially #2, like that list of words where you change just one letter and it has a whole new definition.. My favorite is “reintarnation”. Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 🙂

    Hmm..

    1) What is the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?

    Bill was teaching me to ride my motorcycle at a school parking lot when we saw this red-headed kid, way across from us, riding his bicycle. I said, “Hey, look it’s Malachai!” There’s no WAY he was close enough to hear…..but he slowly turned his head and looked at us.

    2) Alien or Predator?

    Alien

    3) What would you bring to a potluck?

    Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes made with whiskey chocolate ganache and Bailey’s frosting. They went over great at a Sales meeting!

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  22. Oh, I’m howling at the potluck bit:). I’m guilty of that as a school mom. When kids were young, I signed up for all sorts of fancy treats. But the older they got and the busier I got, the more I prayed I’d get to sign up for “Napkins” before anyone else:). With you, sista’!

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  23. Brilliant, Suzanne! That’s the main thing I’m learning to love in reading others’ writing (sad to say I’m late to that game, embarrassingly late) … the answers take a delightfully unexpected direction. Thanks for answering the ‘tag’. 🙂

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  24. I’ve had that night too many times. The smoke detectors always go out between. 2-4 in the morning. I groggily drag my ass out of bed and try to figure out which one it is. I hope I don’t have to get the ladder and climb up it when I’m barely awake enough to stand.

    Questions:

    1) I was born. I guarantee none of us will ever do anything weirder than that.

    2) How dare you? That’s an impossible conundrum. That’s like asking, “Which of your children would you eat first?”

    3) My appetite.

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  25. You are my hero for not having an occasion to parallel park in 37 years.

    Re: the Questions…
    1. Weirdest Thing – Once, when I was wearing flip-flops, a tiny frog jumped into my sandal. When I felt its cold slimy body under my heel, I screamed. But for some reason I kept squishing it under my foot and screaming louder and louder, before I finally had the presence of mind to kick it away – shoe + frog – and the world has never been the same since.
    2. Alien or Predator: I asked my Resident Expert (husband) and he said “Predator”.
    3. Potluck: I am a Potluck Jerk. I never know that the Potluck Mood is going to be and I bring the wrong thing. One time I brought a giant meat casserole when everyone else brought light snacks, and a helpful person said, “It’s not *that* kind of potluck.” (What does that even mean?) I think your idea of Perrier is brilliant.

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  27. This was a super post. Laughed out loud so many times. And the comments are great too. Just kept clicking ‘like’. Hoik is a word I use, so maybe a British thing as others have said. But think you’re completely justified in taking credit for it that side of the pond.

    1. I once took apart a pen, an ordinary pen, because it had stopped working, i.e. ran out of ink! Why would I do that? Wrapped inside the barrel was a love poem, from a guy I had lent the pen to the week before. It said he KNEW I would look inside this pen. Totally freaked me out.

    2. Oh. Hard to choose between those films because I’m not a fan and I’ve not even seen Predator. Sorry! Please don’t think less of me. Maybe Alien because I know it. And am always amazed when I’m reminded how old it is!

    3. Well, obviously my answer here is Chocolate Liqueurs! We don’t have Potlucks here. I guess the equivalent of a Bring Your Own BBQ, which usually refers to drink. Or maybe we do have Potlucks and I’m just not invited 😉

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  29. When I read the word “hoiked” under non-resolution #1, I immediately knew what it meant (through context) and wondered why I’d never before heard it! I’m reading the Dublin Murder Squad novels right now, which feature a lot of Irish vernacular, so I figured “hoik” was a Canadian thing! I tell you what: I’m gonna see if I can’t get that word into circulation down here in the States. How hard could it be, after all? I mean, we got “ginormous” into the f**kin’ dictionary!

    As for your three questions:

    1) I don’t know if this is sufficiently weird (or just head-scratchingly stupid), but I was well into my thirties — and had seen the movie dozens of times at that point — before I realized there was a fairly prominent abortion subplot in Dirty Dancing. That was like a mind-blowing, “Luke, I am your father” moment for me. (In fairness, my wife says she also missed that on the first fifty viewings. Chalk it up to our being eleven when DD first came out, I guess.)
    2) Alien. Absolutely Alien.
    3) I once showed up at a Thanksgiving potluck with enough beer only for myself. A friend of mine (who’s a writer on The Handmaid’s Tale, which shoots in your neck of the woods!) has never let me forget that.

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    • In fairness to you, the subplot is pretty subtle, especially for eleven year olds—interesting that you picked Alien because it’s kind of the opposite of an abortion subplot! A couple of months ago, there was a call for extras downtown for A Handmaid’s Tale but it specified that your hair had to be “natural “. Mine is red, purple and blonde so I couldn’t do it—it could have been the start of a whole new career!

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  30. Um, I’m sorry. Why have you been keeping your inner poet goddess from us all this time? Your teacher should have been hoiked from her job. For not celebrating your talent! ;o)
    Well, I’m glad she didn’t scar you for life and we get to enjoy the fruit of your rebellious streak and gift with words.
    Btw, I failed my driving test too, for the same reason. And the first thing I did when I could officially drive…was back into the side of the garage and smash the corner of my lil’ blue prelude. Turns out there were other things I needed to master other than parallel parking.
    Anyway, thanks for making me giggle first think on a Monday morning.

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