My Week 221: Noteworthy Nonsense

Like a lot of people, I keep notes on my phone to remind myself of things, sometimes writing-related, sometimes work-related, and they’re quite often so cryptic that I can’t figure out which is which. I was on the train on Friday night, typing in a reminder to buy wrapping paper (for the first time in twenty years, we don’t seem to have any, and the gift bags have been passed back and forth to the point that they’re a little shabby), when I realized that the first note was titled “Player One”. And while you would think this kind of note would be writing-related, like for a cool story about a grand chess master who falls in love with his opponent, or the saga of an unindicted co-conspirator who is identified in court documents only by that pseudonym, this one is actually work-related:

Me: So there’s something wrong with my email. I changed my password this morning and now I keep getting error messages.
IT Guy: You’re not the only one. But don’t worry—I can set you up with a temporary account.
Me: Thanks. I don’t want to miss any important messages.
IT Guy: OK. The only thing is that the sender line won’t have your name on it—it will say Tester 1.
Me: Ooh, could it say Player One instead?
IT Guy: No.
Me: But that would be cooler.
IT Guy: I can’t rename it.
Me: Never mind then. Nobody emails me anyway.

And now I have to relive my disappointment at never having a cool nickname. Other weird notes:

1) “Christmas Candle Scents”

This one might not SEEM weird, but it’s followed by the names of the guys on my fantasy hockey pool team. Was I trying to figure out what Frederick Anderson would smell like if he was a Christmas candle? He’s a goalie, so maybe “old leather, wood, and hard work”? And by “hard work” I mean “sweat”, but I didn’t want to be mean. I asked Ken for a nicer word than sweat, and he said “Mildew” which is actually worse. Also, if you think a candle that smells like a hockey player wouldn’t be very pleasant, I just went on the Chapters Indigo website where you can purchase a candle called “Frostbite” and I would much rather that my house smell like a hockey player than gangrene.

2) “Don’t Rub Your Banana On Me”

I once worked with a woman who LOVED bananas. Then we got a summer student who was violently allergic to them and no one was allowed to eat them anywhere near her. Finally, the student went back to school and my colleague was super-happy about this, but around that time, I had had a severe allergic reaction to a naturopathic cream that contained plantain:

Colleague: I’m so ‘appy that I can eat les bananes again! (*She was French*)
Me: Just don’t rub your banana on me.
Colleague: But of course not, mon ami.

And that’s what I loved about her—most people would have been like, “Why the f*ck would I EVER rub my banana on you?” but she was just like “Pas de probleme!” as if it was the most normal request in the world. And I know if I had asked HER to call me Player 1, she would have said, “J’adore your cool nickname!”

3) “Trophy Wife”

I just went on a cruise with my parents, and in the evenings, my mom liked to go to the casino, so my dad and I would hang out together in one of the many lounges having a drink and whatnot. On the third day in, we were in the elevator and an elderly woman was complaining about how hard and confusing it was to organize shore excursions for herself. I pointed at my dad and said, “I never worry about that—he does it all for me” to which she replied, “You’re lucky you’re in a relationship.” I was taken aback but I said, “Well, he’s MY DAD so I guess it’s a kind of relationship.” But after she got off the elevator, my dad said, “I didn’t want to say anything, but last night in the lounge when we were having a drink and a laugh, a couple of guys my age walked by and one of them winked at me and gave me the thumbs up.” And I realized that there is nothing weirder than being mistaken for your father’s younger trophy wife, so from that point on, whenever I could, I would loudly emphasize the relationship, like “Can I get a glass of wine for me and ONE FOR MY FATHER?” or randomly yelling “HEY DAD!” at him from across the deck.  But then I also didn’t want people thinking that I was my parents’ middle-aged spinster daughter either, so I started bringing Ken into the conversation, like “I wish my husband was here—he would have really enjoyed this” until one guy was like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” and I had to clarify that Ken wasn’t dead, he was just at work.

4) A poem inspired by waking up from a weird dream at 3 o’clock in the morning:

I quite often wake up in the middle of the night and frantically write sh*t down in my phone. In fact, in My Week 119: Donut Store Memories, the short story titled “Double Double” was based on a dream I had where I was brainstorming with the Canadian writer Eric McCormack. I don’t normally dream up poems, but a while ago, I woke up in the middle of a dream where I was yelling at someone “I’d rather have an anonymous cadre of dubious angels!” I liked the line and wrote it down right away. Then this past week, I was reading a poem by an actual poet and blogger friend, Brandewulf of Brandewijn Words called Wakeful III and I started thinking about all the times I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep because of the negative thoughts that can swirl around my brain.  So I wrote this poem:

They came because the moon had called them
An anonymous cadre of dubious angels
Dancing on the head of a midnight pin.
You etch your rage onto vellum,
Hands heavy with loss
As they waltz until dawn.

Ken read this and I asked him what he thought. “Meh, it’s OK,” he said. That would have been a real blow to my self-esteem, except that last week BOTH Uber drivers gave me 5 out of 5 stars and they would have both LOVED this poem, I’m sure.

5) “True”

The remainder of this note says, “When the ball left my hand, it didn’t always go where I wanted it to, but most of the time it went over the plate.” This is what I heard a winning pitcher say in response to a reporter asking him, “How do you feel the game went?” And isn’t that just the best f*cking answer that you’ve ever heard? He could have said, “We won. Yay.” but he stretched it out into a whole string of words to make it SEEM like he was saying something profound. And maybe he was, in a kind of Zen Buddhist way.

6) “15 divided by 0 equals bacon”

Because it always will.

I get ALL THE BACON.

57 thoughts on “My Week 221: Noteworthy Nonsense”

  1. Re: Christmas scented candles

    This week I was talking to my sister about the KFC yule logs. You burn them and your house smells like 11 herbs and spices. She and I were appropriately horrified but Sean was worrisomely interested. My sister was practically calling women’s shelters for me when I reminded her my fireplace is gas. Then she asked “what if there’s a candle?”

    Shudder.

    Re: banana

    Once, on vacation with my mother and the same sister, our snorkeling instructor told us to bring bread and banana on our excursion. Apparently if you rub banana on your forehead, it attracts the fish. We had torn pieces of bread and banana in little bags and we were swimming in a choppy ocean trying to keep them above water and dry all day until we got to the spot and only them we remembered we were the types to scream if we THOUGHT a fish had touched our leg, and really we didn’t mind seeing nice fishies but why would we want them nipping at our foreheads?

    Re: your relationship with your dad

    That’s just such a great story!

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  3. I disagree with the no cool nickname part… You do have the coolest name, so why bother with a nickname anyway? 😉

    I could comment on every point here, but I’d end up leaving a whole post in your comment box, and WP would probably get confused, and I don’t want to break the Bloggosphere… So I’ll just say LOL LOL and re-LOL!!

    I particularly love the Trophy Wife part… I just kept laughing while I imagined you making the statements loudly. And the “Sorry for your loss” thing… Hilarious 🙂 As always, thanks for sharing!!

    Muuuuah!

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  6. I loved every bit of this! I’m actually leaving for a cruise today with my husband, and now I’m considering calling him “Dad” the whole time just for fun. He’s younger than me, but I think that only makes it more intriguing.

    That pitcher quote is just the best. I have to assume he’s from a Southern family, where the motto is always, “Why say something in two words that you can say in twenty?” Naturally, I say this as someone who comes from a Southern family. 😁

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  7. That’s a very cool poem and I think you should publish it under the nom de plume “Player One”. I also think tech support is missing a major opportunity in not calling users “Player One”. It could really lighten the mood of anyone who’s frustrated with their computer.
    It’s funny that you were, without realizing it, “blocking”–I won’t use the more vulgar full term–your father. He might have had several people try to pick him up but they saw you and thought he was taken. Which he is, but not by you.
    And I can’t get over feeling that either that or the banana story might have paired nicely with “Thank you for exposing yourself”.

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  13. Your Uber drivers totally would have loved that poem! I’m not allergic to bananas, but so badly I want to tell one of my co-workers not to rub their banana on me, just for a reaction…but I fear it might not go as well for me. ‘Tanya – HR is holding on line one for you.’ Whoopsie. SO FUNNY. I love your co-worker. And you! Thanks, as always, for the laughs.

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  14. Dear Player One ( …. do you mind if I call you Player One? … )

    This was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time! I actually laughed out loud when your French colleague said, “But of course not, mon ami.” to your request to not rub her banana on you. I don’t know why that struck my funny bone, but it did. The nonchalance was beautiful.

    I loved all the other stories, too. The “man scents”. The cruise with your dad. Everything! Brilliant!

    Thanks for the laugh. And the bacon.

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  17. I love your blog, your posts are so completely bonkers! And I love your waking from a dream poem. (I did one like that when I was a teen. Mind you, I had just been smoking birdseed. Long story.) The next time Ken says “Meh, it’s OK,” you just remind him that before he met you he was hanging out with Barbie. 😉

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  20. I’ve always wanted to be a note-keeper (which sounds better than “note-taker,” because anything with the word “keeper” in it immediately makes me mystic … “I am the Keeper of Notes,” for example) but I fail miserably. I am either always (a) too in the moment to take the time, (b) squinting desperately because I don’t have my readers, or (c) take the notes and never look at them again later. I envy your note-keeping expertise.

    Your “trophy wife” section had me laughing out loud, giggling really, in the wee hours of the morning and I’m afraid I just stirred the herd with my cackle. You really are the funniest thing in the blogosphere … maybe even the world. But don’t let it go to your head … I just got my Uber “Year in Review” in the email (true story!) and after 538 days as a passenger, and numerous rides, I still have a perfect 5-stars lifetime rating. Who needs funny when you’re a great tipper. 😉

    Excellent as always! SSL!

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    • I was having a drink with a friend last night and telling her a story then I stopped to type “the Lions club almost killed my horse” into my phone because I knew I wouldn’t remember it after all the wine😁 If course, I have the note now, but the story…? Your comment made me think of Gustav Holst’s The Planets—you could be Tom The Mystic like Neptune. Uranus is, of course, The Magician 😁 Congratulations on you 5 star rating and have a wonderful Christmas!

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