My Week 215: Delusions Under Which I Suffer

When I was very little, I had a painful type of eczema on my hands called dyshidrosis. For some reason, the doctor became convinced that I was allergic to chocolate and oranges. This, of course, was patently untrue, as it turns out the causes of dyshidrosis are linked to seasonal allergies and stress. Go figure. But nobody knew that 50 years ago and as a result, I wasn’t allowed to eat chocolate or oranges for years in the hope that my hands would stop looking and feeling like they’d been stung by a thousand angry bees. I was OK with the chocolate, never really having had a sweet tooth. Oranges were a different matter though—I loved the tangy sweet taste of oranges, tangerines, and clementines, and I longed to be able to eat them. In my child’s mind, I coped with the deprivation by convincing myself that things that LOOKED orange actually tasted like oranges. I realized this about myself on Thursday, as I sat in my office, carefully separating a roll of Rockets into various colours and saving the orange ones for last.

Colleague: What are you doing?
Me: I like to eat the orange ones last. They taste the best.
Colleague: Rockets all taste the same, no matter what colour they are.
Me: No they don’t. F*ck off.

OK, I only said that last part in my head, because a) I like my coworkers and would never swear AT them and b) deep down, I know my colleague is right. Orange rockets don’t actually taste like oranges. Neither do orange coloured Smarties, orange coloured lollipops, orange vitamins (unless they’re Vitamin C, and then they taste slightly tangy like citrus), or most other things that are made mostly of sugar and food colouring.

I know it’s different in the States, but I’m Canadian.

Yet this is a delusion under which I suffer. It’s so deeply entrenched that when I was a kid, I used to sneak baby aspirin because it was orange. If you’ve ever tasted plain aspirin, it’s sour and acidic. So is the baby kind, but I was convinced that’s how oranges tasted. Also, it was lucky that I wasn’t accident prone because I’m sure my blood was thinner than water thanks to all the aspirin.

Now that I’m an adult, I can eat all the damn oranges I want. But I don’t, because oranges are a f*cking pain in the ass to eat. First there’s the peel. Then there’s all that white sh*t UNDER the peel. Then you have to chew through all the other bits and try not to choke on the seeds to get to the orange-y part—you might as well just drink orange juice. Or eat orange Rockets.

But this whole experience made me realize that there are a lot of other things I believe that are absolutely not true, yet I persist in believing them.

1) If I’m having trouble getting something to load on my cellphone, I hold it higher up in the air, because that makes the signal stronger. And if that doesn’t immediately do the trick, I also shake it. Ken makes fun of me for doing it, but it works. Ken also makes fun of me for wearing UGG boots, so that goes to show you how much HE knows. They’re comfortable AND stylish, Ken, so keep your opinions to yourself.

2) I’m a great singer. In the car. Nowhere else. But man, alone in the car, I can totally rock anything on my IPod. I’m like Beyoncé, if Beyoncé was a middle-aged white woman who only sang in her car. And I don’t have to worry about taking my act on the road, because my act is ONLY on the road. If I sing anywhere else, or there are other people around, I sound terrible.

3) I can predict the future. On Friday at work, we were talking about what we were going to have for dinner, and I said, “Ken will want homemade pizzas” and then I got a BBM from Ken:­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

I see pizza in our future…

I’m like The Amazing Kreskin if the Amazing Kreskin’s spouse was completely predictable and ALWAYS wanted homemade pizza for dinner. I should play the lottery more often.

4) I have many celebrity friends on Facebook. Obviously this guy is the REAL Justin Timberlake, who of course goes by a pseudonym and posts stuff like this:

It’s really Justin Timberlake. For sure.

You can see that he has lots of fans and is VERY busy. I’m also friends with Andrew Garfield, Mandy Moore, and a couple of the guys from The Walking Dead. Mandy Moore likes to post things like “Which character on this is us is youse guyses favourite?” I always assumed that Mandy Moore would be a little more articulate, but you know those Hollywood types. Andrew Garfield mostly just sends out Facebook Messenger messages with crying faces—I’m sure being famous is very lonely.  

5) Oil of Oregano can cure any kind of cold or virus. I know this is true because whenever I feel like I’m starting to come down with something, I take some Oil of Oregano and automatically feel like I might be dying, but then I drink some wine and feel better. Last month, I ran out so I bought a new bottle (of Oil of Oregano–I NEVER run out of wine), but when I took it, it tasted even more horrible than usual. I checked the label and guess what? It also had orange oil in it. Now I love the stuff.

I asked Titus if he had any favourite flavour:

Titus: Bacon, beef, fish, chicken, the hot chocolate powder inside of K cups, green beans, cauliflower, bouillon cubes,  cake, crackers, pie crust, white wine, the milk at the bottom of your cereal bowl, green peppers, red peppers, apple slices, strawberries…oh, and turkey. There’s probably some other stuff that I’ve forgotten.
Me: Oranges?
Titus: Don’t be gross.
Me: You fool.

87 thoughts on “My Week 215: Delusions Under Which I Suffer”

  1. Andrew Garfield really did say he was a bit sorry to be starring in a Spider-Man film because he really likes just walking around and meeting ordinary people and didn’t want to be famous and recognizable. So he might very well be lonely and sad about it.
    Also I wonder who responded to Justin with “as soon as I blow up”. It was you, wasn’t it?
    And soon it will be clementines season. Those things are kinda magical. They’re easier to peel and don’t have as much of the white stuff as regular oranges, and is easier to remove.
    When it comes to oranges, though, I prefer just juice.

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  2. Great post!

    And the orange-colored candy thing is totally legit. I always eat the orange pieces of anything last (M&Ms, Smarties, Skittles, Parcheesi game pieces) because they absolutely taste better than the other pieces! My family thinks I’m nuts but that’s okay. That just means more orange candy for me!

    Have you ever noticed that there are fewer orange pieces of candy than any of the other colors? I mean, there are like 4 orange M&Ms in a one pound bag of M&Ms. That’s because they taste better and are therefore more expensive to make than the other colors and so they put less of them in the bag. It’s just science and so irrefutable. And also, duh!

    Also, the cell phone thing is true. I also roll down the car window and stick it outside. Much better reception that way. Harder to text, though.

    Again … great post! Keep ’em coming!

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  4. I totally understand your love for oranges. I’m crazy about them too. I was on the verge of shooting at my doctor when he told me years ago not to eat them. And I couldn’t for a long time. Luckily, I can and and do now. Nth compares.

    What I don’t understand is not having a sweet tooth. The one thing I have to have in the house is coffee and chocolate.

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  5. Dee-El says:

    Orange Smarties DO taste of orange, at least here in the UK (and Canada tends towards enough similarity that I’d expect it to be the case there). They used to use regular chocolate for all the other colours and orange flavoured chocolate for the orange ones – and apparently once upon a time there were coffee flavoured light brown ones which were replaced with the blue ones – but now the chocolate is the same and the orange flavouring is added to the shell instead. So yes, they do taste different from all the other colours.

    I will note that I did have to double check that all on Wikipedia to make sure I hadn’t made it up.

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    • Dee-El says:

      I should have read on further, rather than posting immediately after reading that bit, as now I have to write a second comment.

      You DO sing better in the car. You sing even better in the shower. It’s because of the relatively small space doing rather nice things to the acoustics. Obviously it’s a much greater effect in a shower where surfaces tend to be flat but it will still be the case in a car… and the smaller the car the better, I suspect.

      I’m also suddenly realising how much of what I learned when training as a psychologist isn’t actually psychology…

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  7. I actually am alllergic to oranges (well, the stuff in the peel, to be exact) but I hate eating food that’s too much work. I make excellent ribs but I don’t eat them myself.
    I like your coping mechanism though, you were a resourceful kid!

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  10. Authoress51 says:

    Your friend has a lot of favorite foods. I think they’re called “Favorites” for a reason, though. Sheesh!
    Really enjoyed this, today. You’r keeping my mood up.

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  11. Oh dear. Love…I…don’t know what to say. You spent your entire childhood deprived of chocolate and you didn’t care?!!! You must simply be so traumatized you forgot how wretched your existence was because you missed out on the bliss of Snickers and Rolos or Watchmacallits (No, I didn’t forget the name, that’s really what the candy bar is called, which you probably don’t know because you were too fixated on freaking oranges!!!)

    This might have weakened our ‘kindred spirit’ connection a tiny bit But not to worry, we shall hold it up higher, pick up those signals, and put this small blip behind us. :o)

    I actually do that phone thing too, out of habit. In the Congo, I literally had to walk outside, find that one tiny spot that was blessed by the wifi gods, and basically stand on my tiptoes to try to connect with the outside world.)

    Oh, and by the way, I think ‘cuties’ might solve your “oranges are a pain in the ass to eat'” dilemma. I’m not sure if you have them in your lovely country, but they are little tangerines that are a burst of goodness… and you can peel them in like two seconds…and no white shit to contend with.

    Oh, last thing. If you need any recommendations for chocolate, I’m here for you…just out of concern for your well-being/quality of life and all…

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    • Oh it wasn’t that I didn’t care–it’s just that the alternative was more painful. The skin condition was pretty awful, so I got used to not eating chocolate. My mom reminded me this morning that I wasn’t allowed to eat eggs either. I DO like white chocolate. But I think you and I can still be spirit sisters because I keep a bowl of mini-chocolates on the table in my office for anyone who wants one–I get a lot of visitors who are just there for a treat:-)

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  13. I’ve never thought about it, and I don’t eat m&ms very often, but I think I sort them by color when I do. There has to be a reason.

    Fewer people say orange is their favorite color than any other color of the rainbow. Naturally, all of the lockers and chairs in my high school were orange, even though that wasn’t one of our school colors.

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  15. So I’m guessing you aren’t a fan of oranges dipped in chocolate…I also sing in the car and my vocal range is AMAZING – Eagles, Adelle, Eminem, Ariana Grande, Queen – it’s insane what I can sing in the car. About two years ago my daughter shushed me while I was singing in the car because one of her friends was with us, I’m not over it yet. Speaking of Queen, I saw Bohemian Rhapsody tonight – great movie!

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  16. I’m sorry but I won’t let anyone try to tell me that Smarties all taste the same! The best ones used to be the blue ones but then health and safety went all nuts and they’ve got half the colouring in them now. In the UK at least!

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  17. Satsumas are the easiest to peel, smaller amd sweeter. Our wholesalers sell all small-orange-type-fruit as “easy peelers” and they all aren’t.
    Dougie and Dyson also like broccoli stalks (not cauliflower) and turnip (swede) tops (they haven’t tried everything on Titus’s list!), they also sometimes like carrot peelings (but sometimes they’re yucky). Dyson likes raspberries (he helps me pick them) but Dougie doesn’t. If they don’t like something they’ll gently pick it from my hand and spit it on the floor, bless them!

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  19. There are so many people that sing in cars, I love it! I like to move like I’m dancing while at stoplights. I don’t care who sees me. It’s the same people every morning so they probably know me or my car by now. I love singing to Pat Benatar and this morning I sang loudly while stuck in traffic (and next to a state trooper) her song “Love is a Battlefield.” It seemed to fit the moment. Titus seems to have very discriminating taste. I love that in a pet. 👌

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      • There is nothing like a thumbs up from random strangers for doing things like dancing in your car! I mean we’ve all done it, and I’ve seen plenty of people (some who shouldn’t because they drive like shit, like Silver Mustang Girl) and I’m like hey, ROCK OUT!

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  20. Oh, where do I begin! First off, I love oranges and never, ever eat them. Mrs C will say to me “pick up more bananas?” and I say “of course” even though I’m sick to death of bananas. She’ll say “anything else?” and I’ll say, occasionally, “yeah, get some oranges, too.”

    A couple of weeks later we’re throwing away a bunch of oranges.

    Why?

    Because bananas are easy to eat and oranges are just plain NOT!!

    So, look, science must find a way to make seedless, whiteless oranges with, like, a zipper on ’em for easy entry. What the hell is science for if not THAT?!

    And chocolate… okay, I was always a potato chip guy and never much liked chocolate (except the white stuff, just like you … that’s bomb-diggity!. Until recently. In the last few years I hear myself saying “where’s the chocolate?” instead of the old “why do you buy so much damn chocolate?!” like I used to. Poor Mrs C; I’ve gone through “the change.”

    So now there must always be little chocolate candies in the cupboard and/or chocolate chip cookies on the counter. Sue me. A man can evolve (or devolve) can’t he?

    Finally, if you can somehow get your car into my shower, we can start a band.

    Have a great week (and election day), sister!

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  23. Wow, so Mandy Moore’s just another pretty face, huh? That’s disappointing. Tells her im parshal 2 Randle.

    Most New Yorkers — who are congenitally impatient and always running late for something — persist in believing the elevator door-close button actually works. (It doesn’t.) That’s an irksome one.

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  24. And whereas the backstories once felt integrated, now they’re coming off as filler. Do we really need Toby’s childhood dramatized? Or that football player who was a non-character in a single episode? And now they’re threatening to give us Jack’s grandfather Michael Ironside’s childhood backstory?!

    Not to mention, they’re answering “questions” we never cared about, like who Rebecca dated prior to Jack, or what Jack’s experiences in Vietnam were like. None of that holds any tension or emotion because it isn’t giving us clues or insight into a central dramatic question, whereas previously, we hung on every new scene, because we were so hungry for information about the circumstances surrounding Jack’s death. Now the series is slipping into self-indulgent melodrama, and — as a fan — that concerns me. Maybe they’ll turn this creative slump around, though.

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  25. Suzanne, like you, I like a Terry’s chocolate orange — great stocking stuffers too! In the spring/summer, I love a refreshing frozen shaved ice in a frozen half orange! They sell them at the renaissance festival and they are both refreshing and delicious and it turns your tongue and lips orange! What more could you ask for on a sultry afternoon! Mona

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  27. I love you Suzanne!… have I ever told you? I think I have… But I just had to make sure I had.

    Thanks for the giggles, as usual! There is so much I could comment here, and so little time… But you gave me an idea. I might post about it later tonight, or maybe tomorrow 😉

    Have a great week! xx

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