It’s Thanksgiving Weekend here in Canada and I’m hosting 12 people, so here’s a throwback for you that I hope you might like!
Classics with a Twist
A little while ago, my brother and I went to the Carlton Street Cinema to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I love the Carlton Street Cinema because a) it’s literally right across the street from my condo, so if I go there and the theatre is too crowded, I can just leave and not feel like I wasted a huge trip or anything b) they serve wine and c) there’s wine, which I might have already mentioned. It’s not a VIP cinema or anything; in fact, the individual theatres are just a little bigger than the media room at a really rich person’s house, so when I go there, I can pretend that I’M the rich person and everyone else in the theatre are my guests, except, unlike my own house, I can’t scream, “Will you shut the f*ck up?!” at the people down front who won’t stop talking and giggling. Which happened when we were there with a particularly annoying threesome consisting of an elderly man and two female companions, who laughed hysterically and loudly at the most inappropriate moments, causing me to ask my brother, “What the hell is so funny?” My brother, who has a Ph.D, explained it thusly: “I have no idea. Maybe they’re stoned.”
At any rate, I didn’t know what to expect with the movie. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favourite novels, and when it was originally written, there was nary a hint of zombie within its pages. I figured it would just be a cheesy excuse for blood and gore, wrapped in an Edwardian cloak. I was actually pleasantly surprised that not only was the original storyline intact, the integration of the zombie storyline was well-done and not illogical at all. Well, except for the fact that there were ZOMBIES. You can never really get away from the illogic of that. Still. But then my brother told me that there was another Jane Austen rewrite called Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, and I was like “WTF? Now we’re really stretching it. I’ve read that book, and it took place mostly on the moors–there was literally one scene that took place near open water! Is this going to be like Snow Sharks, where scientists resurrect an ancient giant shark that had been frozen in ice and it swims through the snow, attacking unwary skiers?” Okay, yes, I DID watch that movie, whose budget was approximately $7000, most of which was spent on the giant shark head that you can see in the poster. Just the head. They couldn’t afford the rest of the shark. I have, however, not yet seen Avalanche Sharks, the synopsis of which states “a bikini contest turns into a horrifying affair when it is hit by a shark avalanche”.
Anyway, I got to thinking that maybe I should hop on this bandwagon, and I came up with a few ideas of my own for integrated storylines.
1) Gone With The Wind and Chupacabras: On the eve of her debutante ball, the vivacious Scarlet O’Hara finds herself defending Tara, and her inept suitors, against a swarm of small, spiky, bear-like, goat-sucking creatures. Casting aside her idyllic plantation upbringing, she devotes the remainder of her life to protecting the South, declaring “I’ll never go swordless again!” With the help of the dashing Rhett Butler, and her devoted servants (“I don’t know nuthing ‘bout killing chupacabras, Miss Scarlet! But I’ll learn!”), she drives back the chupacabra hordes with nothing but her trusty sabre and her wit. Her job is, of course, made easier by the almost complete lack of goats in Georgia. Ultimately, however, she is betrayed by Rhett Butler, who unbeknown to anyone, is the Chupacabra King and is planning to take his minions to the North. When Scarlett finds out, she’s appalled:
Scarlet: Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Scarlet: Well, f*ck you then. Prissy, hand me my sword. It’s time the Chupacabra King lost his crown.
2) Citizen Kane, Sasquatch Slayer: On his deathbed, Charles Foster Kane, newspaper tycoon extraordinaire, and a bit of a d-bag, utters his final words: “Rosebud”. No one knows what it means. His private life was a mystery; however, throughout the film, via the use of tabloid-esque newsreels, it is slowly revealed that he had another calling aside from the news business: to hunt down and slay every Sasquatch in the country. Taken in as a child by a millionaire, William Thatcher, Kane is trained in the art of surveillance and becomes noted, and ridiculed, for his numerous Sasquatch sightings. He builds a “scandal sheet” empire, based on stories about alien invasions, government conspiracies, two-headed babies, and the Kardashians. All the while craving respect and legitimacy, he turns to hunting Sasquatches in order to prove to the world that he’s not a madman. He runs for governor, with the campaign slogan “The truth is out there” and posters featuring blurry photos of Bigfoot. After a devastating loss at the polls, he builds a fantastical estate, “Xanadu”, where he lives in isolation until his death. Once the contents of the estate are inventoried, it is revealed that “Rosebud” is the name on a glass showcase found in a hidden room on the estate. It contains a stuffed, 6 foot-tall, ape-like creature.
3) The Wizard of Jackalopes: A young, mid-west farm girl gets caught in a hurricane and finds herself in a strange land. After cavorting and singing with a group of tiny, hard-drinking people, she meets a couple of witches, one good, but a little creepy and passive-aggressive, and one who seems to be bad, but whose redeeming quality is that she loved her dead sister whose crushed body lies under the farm girl’s flying barn. The bad witch vows vengeance and disappears in a cloud of red smoke. The farm girl, whose wide-eyed innocence quickly becomes super-annoying, teams up with a robot, a zombie, and a griffin in order to make their way to the Emerald City and meet a wizard who can solve all their problems. After a series of misadventures, they are confronted by the bad witch and her army of jackalopes, giant rabbits with fierce teeth and deer antlers, and are forced to fight to the death. They all die. (I have to stop here, because when I was a kid, there were so many commercials in The Wizard of Oz that the damn movie was over three hours long, and I always fell asleep at about the half-way point. I have no idea how it actually ends.)
So there you have it—three fresh ways to look at the classics. I also have another idea about an FBI agent, haunted by a childhood attack by killer lambs, who is chasing her serial killer nemesis, an unhinged fellow who likes to dress in sheepskin and calls himself The Mutton Man, but it’s not “fleshed out” yet, haha.
You’ve greatly improved the ending of The Wizard of Oz. Okay, you’ve managed to improve on all the classics, I think–I’ve actually never seen Gone With The Wind all the way through.
I would kind of like to see something done with Emma, though. Sure, Emma is kind of a monster herself, which really opens up the possibilities. Imagine: she’s a corpse reanimated by an ambitious scientist named Victor Frankenstein and they both searching for love.
Sure, it’s no Avalanche Sharks…
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I have never seen ANY part of Gone With the Wind. Is it all that?
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What’s that again?
Oh, Rhett!
Fuck it, tomorrow is another day.
(Tom, god help the man who ever really loves you!)
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🤣🤣
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Ha! I assume those are all quotes from the movie? 🤔😁
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Yeah, that Scarlet was a bit of a potty mouth, Fiddle-dee-dee!
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Toooooom, watch that movie for god’s sake. It’s a classic.
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I can’t believe he hasn’t seen it!
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Me neither. We might love it or hate it, we most certainly quote it, but it IS a timeless classic. Period.
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Okay. On the list. 😉
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It’s not bad but it’s much improved by Chupacabras.
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Ooh, I totally forgot about Emma—maybe something where she and Victor battle with the Loch Ness monster!
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Please tell me that Charles Kane is hunting the Sasquatches on roller skates. This needs to happen. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
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Absolutely roller skates! How else would you run them down? Although it gets a little tricky in the forest…
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Look, as long as we’re going to go there I want to see more movies made into more movies. I mean, who could forget Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful (After)Life” with Bela Lugosi? How about “Casablancula: From Dusk til Dawn”? Or a really scary one called “Twelve Angry Men and Justice Kavanaugh.”
That last one is too bizarre to be true.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, my sister, and may your twelve guests be not angry, not ghouls, and continue to have a wonderful life after dinner. And remember …
“There’s no place like home.” 😏
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That’s what the jackalopes say! I love your additions here. I was going to add The Pied Piper of SCOTUS, where a douchebaggy law clerk rises to the highest position in the land and then gets eaten by rats—now that would be a good read.
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Particularly the ending! 👏👏👏
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I could be down for that Gone with the Wind one!
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I’d love to see her with a sword—fiddle-dee-dee indeed!
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😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I would so love to see Citizen Kane Sasquatch Slayer. Please tell me I can see it in iMax. Orsin Welles in that size!!!!
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He wouldn’t be able to sneak up on them—that’s for sure!
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No way!
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I really liked reading the book PPZ.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hope there’s pie.
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There WAS! Same to you! 🦃 🥧
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I have no idea which blogger convinced me to watch PPZ or how because I’m not a horror fan and I usually can’t stand period dramas, but it was so good!!
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I know–it was a pleasant surprise!
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As ever, you make my day better! Happy Thanksgiving!
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Thank you! It’s been a busy weekend but such a wonderful time with the fam!
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Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often.
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too funny — it’s getting where chupacabras sound less scary than reading the news…
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I know—it should be Scarlet battling the GOP lol
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You just can’t enough chupacabra in literature, especially the classics. I LOLed at this one.
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It’s like cowbell.😁
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Hilarious!!! Really enjoyed this post–and Happy Thanksgiving!
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Thank you so much!
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Trainwine,
Hope you’re having a wonderful Thanksgiving. Damn. I need to start planning for Thanksgiving here. Anyway, these new storylines are fantastic! Now that you’ve mastered the classics, I think you should set your sights on the re-telling of new Christmas classics! You are freaking amazing, woman! I loved this!
Epithet aka Mona
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Aw, thank you! I actually do have a very old post about Creepy Christmas Carols–maybe I need to update it!
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Bring on Citizen Kane, Sasquatch Slayer!!!!
I would pay top dollar to see that one. This is hilarious. 🙂
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There’s no foot as good as Big Foot!
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Here in Hollywood, I assure you, mydangblog, none of these pitches would be received in the humorous (nigh mocking) spirit in which you intended. This is the kind of sh!t that routinely gets hoovered up by studios. Reading this post, I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry…
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After having seen a couple of Sharknado movies, I have to agree with you!
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I would love – LOVE – to see a film about a Sasquatch-slaying Charles Foster Kane.
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It would be pretty cool!
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