My life is shrouded in mystery. If it’s not blonde hair in my condo, it’s porn on my porch. There are forces out there that cannot be explained…
So last Sunday, I followed my usual routine. I got up, sat down in front of my laptop and wrote for a while. Ken was in his office working on his photography portfolio (he just got accepted to be an ‘official’ contributor to Istock/ Getty), so when I was done, I came upstairs to see how he was doing. I was standing in the doorway to his office and we were talking when I looked down and saw it. I stopped mid-sentence and exclaimed, “What the holy f*ck is THAT?!”
Ken: What’s wrong?
Me: I—I—there’s a MOUTHGUARD on the floor here. Whose is it? How did it get here?
Ken: A mouthguard?
Me: Yes! Like one that a dentist would make. Where did it come from? It definitely wasn’t there a few days ago!
Ken: Kate used to have one. Maybe it’s hers?
Me: And it just randomly appeared on the floor outside your office?!
But I remembered that a few years ago, we had a nightguard made for Kate. Maybe she’d left it at the house the last time she and his girlfriend, the lovely V, had stayed over. So I messaged her with a picture of the mysterious mouthguard, and here is the verbatim transcript of my gentle attempt to discover the truth.
Me: WTF, KATE???
K: what is that
Me: A mouth guard!
K: whys it under a table
Me: I DON’T KNOW
is it yours?
K: if it is its from kung fu
Me: How did it get by dads office?
K: the dog probably
Me: not what I expected to see under the table in the foyer!
K: that’s not my dentist mouthguard
I have that here
So Kate’s theory was that the mouthguard had fallen out of her kung fu bag when we were cleaning and that the dog had carried it upstairs and left it under the table outside of Ken’s office. Plausible, despite the fact that Titus insisted he had nothing to do with it and “would never put something so disgusting in his mouth”. But then we realized that Kate’s kung fu mouthguard was a black ‘boil and bite’ so it couldn’t be that. I was deeply disturbed by all of this, so I left the thing exactly where we found it. When Kate came home this past Friday, the subject came up again. We went upstairs and all stared at it in disbelief, like the strange plastic harbinger of doom that it was.
K: It’s definitely not mine.
Me: Then who the hell does it belong to?!
Ken: Maybe it dropped out of the cleaner’s pocket?
Me: Of course. Steph was carrying her nightguard around with her during the day while she was mopping, and it dropped out under this table 2 weeks ago, and she still hasn’t noticed it was missing. Obviously. Come on! You know, I had one of these when we were first married. Do you think it’s mine? I mean I haven’t seen it in almost twenty years, but you never know. Let me just try it on…
K and Ken: Oh my god, no! It’s filthy! Don’t! You don’t know where it’s—EWWW!
Me: Nope, not mine.
K: Mom, that was disgusting. You’re going to catch some kind of disease.
Me: I’ll just swirl some wine around my mouth. There—germs all killed.
K: Ugh. I can’t believe you did that.
Titus: I know, right?! Gross.
Me: It was a ploy. If any of you knew anything about it, you would have told me to stop me from putting it in my mouth. It seems that you are all truly innocent.
K: Well played, I guess…
But the question—and the mouthguard—still remain. Where did it come from? Is my house haunted by an anxious ghost with bruxism? Do I have a VERY forgetful cleaner? Did someone break into our house, take nothing, but leave it behind as a warning of further dental incidents to come? We may never know.
Titus and I Talk About The Movies
Me: So hey, my blogger friend Often Off Topic is doing a Dog Blogathon in a couple of weeks so for the challenge, I’m supposed to write about dogs and movies.
Titus: Cool, cool. I’m a huge movie buff. I’m still pissed off at you for not taking me to TIFF.
Me: Right, like I was going to take a chance on you trying to high five Sam Rockwell and slapping him in the face?
Titus: Fair enough. But I do love “the moving pictures”.
Me: Really? What’s your favourite movie?
Titus: Citizen Kane. Good old Rosebud.
Me: I know, right? That shot of the sled at the end gets me every time.
Titus: What sled?
Me: The sled. Rosebud.
Titus: Rosebud wasn’t a sled. Rosebud was the guy.
Me: What guy?!
Titus: The main dude with the big castle.
Me: THAT was Citizen Kane.
Titus: I thought Rosebud was his nickname or something.
Me (rolls eyes): What else do you like? How about Star Wars?
Titus: Meh. That giant cat was really annoying.
Me: You mean Chewbacca? He was a Wookie.
Titus: Chewy cookie? Yes, please.
Me: No, Wookie. So you didn’t like it?
Titus: It was confusing. I could never tell who the bad guys were. Luke and Leia made a cute couple though.
Me: They were brother and sister.
Titus: WHAT?
Me: And Darth Vader was their father.
Titus: You’re sh*tting me! Thanks for the spoiler!
Me: You don’t pay very close attention to what you’re watching, do you?
Titus: I like to multi-task.
Me: If by multi-task, you mean ‘beg for popcorn’, then no wonder you miss so much. So what are some dog movies you’d like to see?
Titus: Um…Slumdog Millionaire. That sounds GREAT.
Me: It’s not about dogs.
Titus: Huh?! OK, what about Reservoir Dogs?
Me: Again, not about dogs.
Titus: I thought it was some kind of nature documentary. Dog Day Afternoon?
Me: Nope.
Titus: The Dogs of War? Wag The Dog?
Me: Do you know any movies that are actually about dogs?
Titus: Apparently not. By the way, Soylent Green is people.
Me: I already knew that, but nice try. Here, it says on this website that Old Yeller is the number one dog movie of all time.
Titus: Sweet. We could watch that. What’s it about?
Me: It’s about a dog that gets…then the boy…uh…Reservoir Dogs it is!
Titus: Awesome–I love a good documentary.
Me: Do you want popcorn?
Titus: Is Jaws a shark?
You go to the TIFF??? If I was the jealous type, I’d be dying from envy right now!! Must be sooooo much fun!!
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Yes, one of the advantages of living in Toronto during the week!
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I Love this entire thing. I especially needed your brand of wonderful humor today!!! Thank you!!! I think I might go swirl some wine around in my mouth right now…..just for the hell of it!
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Good for what ails you, wine is! I suffered no ill effects from the ghostly mouth guard thanks to a nice Pinot Gris!
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I am glad to hear it!!!!
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That sounds like a fabulous idea! I think we should all go swirl some wine right now for the hell of it! Hahaha!
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I am about to do just that in like 10 mins!!!!
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He does look like a discerning good boy, doesn’t he?
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Yes, he does—and that’s a great movie choice!
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Okay, some movies should be just off limits for dogs — Old Yeller is one and Don’t forget To Kill A Mockingbird! Where’s Lassie on your list? Wait…didn’t I read somewhere that Lassie was really a male dog? But as long as Titus is okay with that…why the hell not! Enjoy your movies!
Mona
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Thanks! Yes, Lassie was actually a boy–or several boys if I recall correctly! Titus doesn’t care either way–he just loves a good action story:-)
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My four-legged kids recommend that Titus watch 101 Dalmatians but they’re a bit biased. Actually our youngest likes all kinds of TV and will often be transfixed by the strangest things. What interest could a dog have in a shampoo commercial?
Anyway I hope the Mouthguard Mystery is solved soon. That sounds like a case for a modern Nancy Drew.
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I told Titus about 101 Dalmatians, but when I got to the part about how the evil witch wants to make a coat out of the puppies, he said he’d rather watch Alien Vs. Predator on the grounds that it sounded “less violent”!
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Oh yes…the discussion about movies…again glad I did NOT have said mug of coffee up to my lips at the time…you really need a warning label or something.
“This blog takes no responsibility for coffee or other beverage spewing.”
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That Titus, right? He looks like a serious movie critic but he’d rather eat the popcorn!
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LOL sounds like it.
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Another post to love. You forgot the old Lassie movies….😂My sister and I watched all the animal movies, tv, and read all the books. My favorite was White Fang.
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I did a book report on White Fang when I was in grade school—such a wonderful book. My favourite dog story was a novel called “Beautiful Joe” but no one’s ever heard of it!
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Never heard of it, said Tom.
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Suggest Big Red. Hero dogs, puppies, and Canada. Not Moonraker, good obedient dogs – though maybe not the best role models.
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Ooh sounds good!
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Mystery mouth guards are the best mouth guards.
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Or the weirdest.
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What a crazy story about the mouth guard! Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘Glitch in the Matrix’? It sounds just like that!
Thanks so much for spreading the word about my Blogathon too 🙂
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Maybe that’s what it is—a glitch that won’t go away! And you’re welcome—the Dogablogathon idea is so much fun!
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Now if only Jeffrey would find a dental product in HIS spouse’s office we could solve two mysteries with one … lemme think this one through …
::stones kill birds:: 🤔
::cakes get had and eaten, too:: 🤔
::swoops fell in one:: 🤔
… two mysteries with one mouthguard!
And, honestly, it’s too bad it wasn’t a rogue rolo, instead, for all the obvious reasons.
Congrats to Ken on his new venture, and to Titus on the chewy cookie and popcorn!
P.S. The best dog movie of all time is Up! No, Air Bud. Wait, Homeward Bound. I can’t decide. 😉
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I would have preferred a rogue role in my mouth instead of that nasty mouth guard! And I agree with Up! Squirrel!
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I still can’t believe you did that, though! 🤣🤣🤣
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I actually did it again the other day because the first time I only checked my top teeth. Thank god for alcohol.
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LMAO!
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“Soylent Green is People” FINALLY Titus pays attention. Good boy, Titus. Has anyone owned up to having lost their orthodonture since you posted?
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No! I called the dentist and they had only ever made one for Tristan and he has it with him. It’s freaking me out!
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I’m gagging that you put that in your mouth. As for dog movies; Turner & Hooch. Nuff said.
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A new subgenre: orthodontective fiction? A smell a new CBS procedural afoot…
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