My Week 201: Me and Jeffrey, My Author Interview

So on Wednesday, I was sitting with a group of people from work, and they were recounting that some people at the secret agency had actually gone to high school or university together, and that was how they knew each other. One of the guys said, “That’s right—there was me, Frank, Jim, and Jeffrey.” And I was like, “Oh, who’s Jeffrey?” because there was no one at the secret agency named that. My colleague replied, “He doesn’t work with us anymore. You’d like Jeffrey—you two are a lot alike.” And my first thought was “A lot alike? Did Jeffrey just change his favourite bathroom stall from number five to number four?” and my second thought, which came IMMEDIATELY on the heels of the first was “Would Jeffrey give voice to that first thought?” Because if Jeffrey was really like me, the answer to the first question would be ”Obviously” and  the answer to the second question would be “Absolutely not” , so based on the second answer, I didn’t say anything—I just smiled and said, “Yeah?” By the time it occurred to me to ask why, the conversation had moved on, and it would have been awkward to drag it back.

Jeffrey? Jeffrey!

But if you know anything about me at all, I spent the rest of the day literally obsessing over IN WHAT WAY EXACTLY I was like the mysterious and elusive Jeffrey. But first, I should explain about the bathroom stalls because I know you are DYING to hear this. If you remember from My Week 177: My Favourite Bathroom Stall and Other Questions, number five was pretty close to my heart, and other parts of my anatomy that shall remain nameless. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that the toilet paper in number five runs out not long after lunch while the other stalls have their full complement. Which led me to the inevitable conclusion that number five was also the favourite bathroom stall of a whole lot of other people. And I don’t want to use the same bathroom stall as everyone else because I like to imagine that when I sit down, I’m sitting on a pristine seat, and that’s impossible to do when you know that it’s being overused compared to the other stalls. Hence my decision to change to number four. So 1) if Jeffrey can write a whole paragraph about his favourite bathroom stall, then he’s my f*cking doppelganger.

Other Ways Jeffrey and I Might Be Alike:

2) Is Jeffrey the King of Worst Case Scenarios?

Continuing on the bathroom theme for a second, we were working offsite when the inciting conversation happened. And if you think I have an issue with sharing 5 stalls with about 30 women, imagine how I feel about sharing a public washroom of ten stalls with around 500 of them. Luckily, there was a trailer on site with portable toilets. The last time we were there, the trailers were the fancy “wedding bathrooms”, all kitted out with wood trim, soft music, and scented hand soap, so I was quite excited to foray out into the parking lot. I was in for a nasty shock though, when I went in and it was just a single, rather bland stall, but there WAS a lot of toilet paper. Anyway, as I was sitting there, I realized that the whole trailer was on a slant, with the front leaning a bit more forward than it should, and that the only window and door were on that wall, and if the trailer fell over, they would be flat on the ground. I had a horrible vision then of the whole thing toppling and I started looking for a roof hatch and whatnot so that I could plan my escape from a sewage-y demise. And I wished that Jeffrey was there with me—not actually IN the bathroom, but available for advice. I’m sure between the two of us, we could have come up with a terrific plan.

3) Is Jeffrey afraid of demons?

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about how I learned that I’m not the only one to do certain things. This was the one idiosyncrasy that I forgot about, even though I had made note of it in my phone. Like many people, apparently, I can’t dangle any part of my body off the edge of my bed because I’m secretly worried that a demon, or a ghost, or a serial killer might be hiding under it, and will grab said body part and tear it off. Or lick it, like the urban myth where the woman thinks it’s her dog but it’s not. When I was about 13 years old, I read Stephen King’s novel Salem’s Lot, and became so terrified of vampires that I hung my late great-grandmother’s cross on my headboard. Every night, I would leap into bed from the middle of the room, as one does, avoiding whatever might be under the bed (later it was the clown with the wind-up nose from Poltergeist that I was worried about), and then touch the cross to ward off the vampires. I no longer have a cross nor do I leap across the room, but my limbs will always stay within the confines of the covers.

4) Is Jeffrey’s Favourite Colour Purple?

Because mine is. The other day, a very nice man stopped me on the street to compliment me by telling me that he loved how my hair and my handbag matched. I don’t know a lot about Jeffrey—well, nothing really—but if he’s a man with purple hair and a lavender Kate Spade bag then Ken is going to have to step up his game.

5) Is Jeffrey slightly OCD?

On Friday, I told Ken about Jeffrey and that I was really concerned that my colleague meant I was like Jeffrey because we were both weird, so I asked him, “In what ways do you think I’m weird?” He thought and thought for so long that I said, “Are you in your nothing box right now?” and he said, “No! I’m still thinking about what you asked me, but I can’t come up with anything.”

Me: I don’t f*cking believe you.
Ken: Maybe Jeffrey swears a lot.
Me: If he’s like me, then clearly he does. Seriously. You can’t think of a single thing I do that’s weird?
Ken: No, sorry.
Me: Come on, Ken! I can think of 5 things off the top of my head RIGHT NOW that are weird about you.

2 hours later…

Me: I forgot to tell you—I had a terrible dream last night.
Ken: What happened?
Me: I’d created a display of glassware on the ledge in the stairwell, and you’d taken it apart. You moved the pieces all over the house, and I had to find them and try to remember how I’d arranged them so that I could put the display back together. It was awful—I woke up in tears.
Ken: Ah. There is it. And was everything arranged in groupings of threes and fives?
Me: Obviously. I’m not an animal, KEN.
Ken: Weirdo.

So you can see my dilemma. I really want to know why Jeffrey and I are alike, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be for reasons that are just a tad off-kilter. We’re all back to work next week, so I’m determined to ask my colleague to elaborate. I’ll keep you posted.

(As an addendum, I have to say that even if Jeffrey showed up in a purple suit and had a bouquet of violets, he’d still have nothing on Ken, who just read this and said, “You should totally get a hidden camera and then you could find out for sure which bathroom stall is the least used.” Now there’s a man who understands me.)

My Author Interview

Last week, a blogger pal of mine put a call out to anyone who was interested in an author interview. Gareth of GJ  Stevens blog and I corresponded, and he’s just posted the interview that we did. Gareth is a writer of many genres, and has a fantastic series on his blog called “In The End” that he’s just on the verge of publishing into a novel series. His blog also has excellent advice for anyone who is interested in doing their own publishing. You can see the interview he and I did by clicking the link above. If you’ve ever wondered what I actually look and sound like, he’s included a link to the cable show that I appeared on to promote my last novel Smile. It’s fun to watch—I sound just like Jeffrey.

In other news, I just finished my new novel, The Dome. I’ve sent some mark-up copies to a couple of people for feedback, then it’s off to the publisher, who liked the sample chapters, so fingers crossed that they like the rest. Wish me luck!

Black and White Challenge Week 4

54 thoughts on “My Week 201: Me and Jeffrey, My Author Interview”

  1. I had to come out of hiding for you and your brilliant brand of humor. I am soooo glad I did. As ever, I am laughing out loud, starting my day out right, because of you. I can’t wait to read the interview!!!!

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  2. I, too, need to know how you and Jeffrey are a like. I have suspicions that I am also like Jeffrey. I am like you, too, but I am not ready to send a book off to a publisher because it’s still just a mock-up in my head, with the demons. Who are pretty cool, and stabby. I just colored my hair black, too. It was purple, but I was feeling the black because, as I said, the demons.

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    • I think we all have a little Jeffrey in us, and as soon as I find out what it is, I will let all of us know. Tell those standby demons to use their prods and get that book out of your head and into paper!

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  4. This reminds me of my story with the CVS lady. A few years ago, the clerk at the CVS across from my job told me that i looked like John Travolta.

    I don’t look like John Travolta. At all. But I started wondering whether she meant young John Travolta or old John Travolta, because those are two very different things. I tried to work up the nerve to ask her for years but eventually gave up, even though she would sometimes welcome me to CVS by saying “Good morning, Mr. Travolta!”

    I just wouldn’t be able to handle it if she said old Travolta.

    Sometimes it’s better not to know. Maybe Jeffrey had a facial tic or something that you don’t even realize you have. How awkward would that be if someone told you now?

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    • I was more worried that he’s going to say something like, “Well, you’re both kind of dicks” or something. I’m going to say you look like young Travolta, because NOBODY looks like old Travolta–too much surgery.

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  5. I do not believe this Jeffrey person exists. I think your colleagues are just trying to drive you mad by making the suggestion. I also suspect someone may be taking the toilet paper from stall 5 to steer you elsewhere, it is a conspiracy (2). Purple is my favorite color (3). Just this morning a FB friend was posting about a demon that may or may not have been faulty air conditioning….I gave her some advice – When I find myself in those situations, I repeat “I rebuke all evil repeatedly while making the sign of the cross” repeatedly – I may have watched The Omen too many times as a child (also 3 along with purple clearly you’ve been hacked 2 again). Just last night I was discussing my fear of being sucked out of an airplane toilet with the hubs and he called me a “weirdo”(4). Wait, what if…..OMFG what if I’m your doppelganger (cue the horror music and jerky camera zooms)?!

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  6. Now I’m really curious about what this Jeffrey is like. Does he also enjoy wine? Ride the trains? Have wine on the train? Getting Jeffrey’s full name and stalking him on social media might be going too far but it’s the sort of thing I’d do even though I’d be afraid of it turning out like that documentary “Three Identical Strangers”.
    And you also need a camera under the bed.

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  8. Demons might be taking the toilet paper, too. But let’s not discount Jeffrey. What if he’s some sort of freak who also liked the fifth stall and has been visiting it covertly, on his lunch hour at his “new” secret job, to take nostalgic BMs? I say moving to another stall is wise; remember to change up your routine, though, to confuse the demons.

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  9. I so look forward to your writing.

    BTW: I went to try and find the legendary Week 9 post, but a search did not reveal one titled that. Is is, chronologically, the 9th post from your first in 2011?

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  12. It’s fun to watch—I sound just like Jeffrey. Comic brilliance. Very excited for your next publication! Congratulations on having a first novel because that means there’s more than just the one (amazing one at that!). Can’t wait to read all of them to come.

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  13. I wonder if anyone told Jeffrey about you… He must be completely freaked at the moment, wondering what you have that’s so similar to him!! Imagining you downing two beers at once and then doing the whole alphabet with burps… This whole mystery HAS to be cleared up ASAP, for everyone’s sake!

    Oh, and for demons, I found the perfect trick! I have no space under my bed. The whole thing is directly on the floor. A little more complicated to clean “under” the bed, but I sleep like a baby. All I have to worry about, when a part of my body wanders out of the covers, is if Freja is in hunting mode. But I don’t mind a few scratches, if I can have a carefree mind when it comes to all the demons/vampires/monsters that can hide under a bed! 😉

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    • That’s a great idea, but what if the demon LIVES in the bed? I wonder also if my colleague has also told Jeffrey about me, and now HE’S obsessing over how we’re alike, which makes sense if he’s like me!

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      • Well there goes my well-sleeping! Tossed under the rug in a flash! LOL

        Now back to the Jeffrey thing. What about the person who told you that totally made him up. Now… Since you two are so much alike, wouldn’t it mean that you don’t exist either??? What are you? A ghost?? A spirit of some sort? OMG, OMG, OMGaaaaawd!! I’ve been making friends with a spirit!!!

        Wait!! Can you scare away under-bed-monsters?? Like that Beetleguy?

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  14. Hyzymom says:

    You should always go in the 1st stall. I read a “scientific study”, really I read something, somewhere that seemed vaguely official that said the very first stall in the bathroom is always the cleanest. I guess people don’t want to stop at the first one closest to the door.

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  19. Having read these in reverse, the Jeffrey mention in Week 202 makes a whole lot more sense after reading Week 201. The confusion was worth it, though, because it feels like we’re going back in time together and now we’ve met at university. Remember Freddy? Wonder whatever happened to Freddy …

    BTW, you absolutely nailed the interviews, both written and video. The book-to-camera thing was classic. Almost nobody knows where to look in those situations. Great job, Suzanne!

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  20. You’re posts always make me laugh, mydangblog! They have such a Gilmore Girls-esque worldview. I wish I could process the world around me and write about it the way you do!

    Congrats on finishing your new manuscript! It’s no small accomplishment…

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