Last week, one of my colleagues was excited. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m getting a new desk! Apparently, this one is the ‘most worn’ in the office, and the guy from Procurements said they had one downstairs for me. They’re bringing it up later, so I have to clear everything off this one.”
And of course, we all gathered around, breathless with anticipation, speculating about exactly what the new, wondrous desk would look like. Fancy? Woodgrain? A hidden drawer? The possibilities were endless. Finally, late in the afternoon, the door to the secret agency swung open, and two men appeared with a cart. On the cart was the EXACT SAME DESK that my colleague already had. They disassembled hers, and put the ‘new’ one in place, with all of us watching in a rather dejected way. It was EXACTLY AS WORN as her previous desk, which was now being taken downstairs, to await the moment that Procurements would use it to replace someone else’s ‘worn’ desk. Aside from our abject disappointment at this debacle of musical desks, there was one bright moment when one of our group mentioned that we could improve things slightly by adding a touch of décor to my colleague’s cubicle. As we got more and more carried away with things like a disco ball, twinkle lights, and a chair with cup holders, it occurred to me that there was the definite possibility for a reality show here. I have no idea how to pitch anything to the HGTV network, so I’m hoping that one of their producers will somehow read this and make it happen. Thus, I present to you several ideas for fantastic reality shows, starting with…
1) Cubicle Wars:
Host: Hello once again, and welcome to Cubicle Wars, where each week, two co-workers compete to see who can create a stunning office space with little more than a $50 gift card to the Dollar Store and their own imaginations! Let’s meet our challengers! This is Jill, a temp worker with a fondness for frogs, as you can see by the many, many statues and stuffies that she has on her desk. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Jill!
Jill: Frogs are amphibians and can speak 7 different languages.
Host: Only one of those things is even correct! Welcome, Jill! And now here’s our other contestant, Josh. Josh is an engineer, so no one knows what he actually does!
Josh: That’s not true. I—I…
Host: Exactly! Now here are your $50 gift cards. See you next week, you crazy kids!
One week later…
Host: Let’s see what Jill and Josh have accomplished. Our live studio audience will then announce the winner!
Audience (which consists of a panhandler that the host found in the lobby): Does anyone have spare change for coffee?
Host: After the show, Stinky Pete! First up is Jill!
Jill: I used my $50 to buy aromatherapy candles and placed them strategically around my cubicle.
Host: That’s it? How many candles did you buy?
Jill: 50, obviously. It was the Dollar Store.
Manager (passing by): You can’t light those, Jill. I told you, it’s a fire hazard.
Jill: FINE, STEVE! But don’t come to me when the power goes out, you fascist!
Host: All right—let’s see what Josh has done. Ooh, a tiki bar theme! Very nice! I particularly like the inflatable palm tree.
Josh: Thanks. I’m very pleased with the way it turned out, although I’ve been getting a lot of side-eye because of the torches. THEY’RE CULTURALLY APPROPRIATE, STEVE! I’M NOT A NAZI!
Host: And now it’s that moment we’ve all been waiting for. Audience, who is our winner?!
Stinky Pete: Is there any whiskey in the tiki bar? NO? Then I pick the candle lady.
Host: Congratulations, Jill. Your prize is that you get to keep all the candles!
Jill: I just want my frogs back. Vlad was teaching me Russian.
Host: See you next time on Cubicle Wars!
I really think this show has potential. And while I was fleshing it all out, here are some other show ideas I came up with:
2) Souped Up!
In this show, two guys take cheap cars and try to make them look cool. With VERY limited resources.
Host: Tell us about today’s project, boys.
Gary: It’s a 1988 Ford Tempo, base model, beige, with rust accents.
Mitch: We got it for fifty bucks at a yard sale. The upholstery smells like cheese.
Host: And what are your plans for this car?
Gary: No spoilers!
Host: Oh, sorry I asked.
Gary: No, dude—we’re not putting a spoiler on it. Spoilers are pretentious.
Mitch: You’re goddamned right they’re pretentious!
The next day…
Host: Wow! What a transformation. Tell us what you did!
Mitch: We found bigger wheels at the dump and put them on the back. Now it’s slanty!
Gary: We used duct tape to make racing stripes. I probably should have used a ruler.
Host: Um…did you put a tow hitch on the back of this car JUST so you could hang a fake scrotum ornament off it?
Mitch: You’re goddamned right we did! We made it ourselves out of two oranges and one of Gary’s gran’s old kneehighs.
Both (highfiving): Our car has balls, b*tch!
Host: All right then. Join us next week when Gary and Mitch transform a Pinto into a fancy lawn tractor!
Both: Unsafe at any speed!
3) 19 and Counting: Feline Edition
Voice-Over Intro: “Meet Meredith, a ‘cat lover’, who roams the streets of her town at night, looking for more cats. She has a LOT—maybe more than 19 but who’s counting? None of them are actually hers; she stole them all from her neighbours. Her house reeks of urine, but she insists she’s ‘not crazy’. You be the judge!”
4) Cooking With Wieners
This show is simple. It’s just hot dogs. Every week. Audience of at least one (Ken) guaranteed.
5) Flip That Port-a-Potty!
While you might be thinking that this is a decorating show where people take old portable toilets and pretty them up, you’re wrong. This show is about Bobby “Flip” Johnson, a real douchecanoe who waits until people go into port-a-potties, then he sneaks up and tips them over. He’s killed in episode 3, and the remainder of the season becomes a detective show, where a slightly Asperger’s detective and his madcap female sidekick investigate Bobby’s murder. Kind of like Jackass meets Elementary. Will we ever find out who killed Bobby? No spoilers!
“Now it’s slanty!” 🤣
Look, I never watch reality shows. Not because I think I’m above them, or that people on them are (a) shallow, and (b) do not reflect reality but because people on them are shallow and do not reflect reality. Okay, turns out that was the reason, after all. I have a real life, people, full of superficial frauds that I can call my own. I’m the judge in their reality show, and they in mine.
But, if I did watch reality shows I’d want them to (a) turn into detective stories, (b) include multilingual frogs, and (c) cook wieners. In short, I’d want you to write them. Now, what can you do with an airplane, a paper clip, four piles of leaves, and a self-absorbed, slightly rancid, paranoid midget?
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Ok Tom, what is your site address….I absolutely have to take on the challenge of these “items” as a post and want to credit you for the “inspiration”! 😉
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Tombeingtom.com, rugby! Looking forward to your take! 🤣
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It is written as Putting My Feet in the Dirt 10 @ https://rugby843.blog
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I love it!
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😎
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Agreed! Great job, rugby!
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American Ninja Warrior: Revenge of the Little People!
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Well it’s not worse than the real trash on actual TV…
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So true!
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I think you’ll find that half-arsed, cheapo, unsafe pimping of cars has already been done on Top Gear.
But I like the idea of reality shows gone criminal. Let’s do it!
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I’ve never actually seen that show, but do they use duct tape and Allen keys? Because my guys are all about the duct tape!
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Take a look at these. Some of them are reasonably professional but others are clearly death traps held together with string. Duct tape is used regularly once these things get out on the road, get damaged in challenges and then have to be held together. https://www.motoringresearch.com/car-news/features/pictures-wackiest-top-gear-challenge-cars/ 🙂
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OMG, you’re right!! These guys are already making more crap cars than I envisioned in my show! What the heck is that first one with the cardboard shark on top? Also, the Snowbine would be perfect for Canadian winters!
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It’s a Lotus Eclat but with a living pod ‘upstairs’. More pics here, including a 3 storey Citroen and a Land Rover cottage. https://imgur.com/gallery/XOV2u 🙂
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Where can I watch this show? I must see it!
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Top Gear is one of the BBC’s biggest international revenue earners so I’m pretty sure there’s ways & means in Canada. They’ve moved on a little since then with Clarkson, May & Hammond setting up The Grand Tour on Amazon whilst the BBC drafted in some motoring journos/bloggers to accompany a rather entertaining Matt Le Blanc. Yes. Joey from Friends is now at the helm (for 1 more season). 🙂
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It’s good that you can take something truly awful and use it to launch into something funny and creative. I can’t always do that. My office does the same thing with computers that yours does with desks.
For example, my computer will be taking 15 minutes between the time I hit “send” on an email and time it actually sends. I’ll complain to IT for 6 weeks and I’ll maybe even be assigned a different computer. Excited, I will turn it on and see… Windows 98 booting up. (OK, I might be exaggerating a tiny bit, but barely>..).
Argh.
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I don’t know about where you work, but it sounds suspiciously like government!
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Another laugh – reading your posts is truly fun!
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Thank you! I hope you come up with something good based on Tom!
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I would wait with bated breath every week for the latest episode of every one of these shows and then I would binge watch the entire season just for fun. Especially “Cubicle Wars”. That show is fun and educational. Who knew frogs were so multilingual? I always thought they only had one lingual but it’s a very long lingual as any bug on the receiving end could tell you if it hadn’t been eaten.
By the way a few years ago when I was out for a prolonged period some of my coworkers covered everything in my cubicle with foil. And I think they did it for under fifty bucks.
And will Ken be entering the annual hot dog eating contest?
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Covered your entire cubicle in foil?! So pretty AND it stops the aliens from spying on you? Awesome! I think Jill would appreciate that:-)
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Love the concept of cubicle wars! Hope HGTV is paying attention!
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In all seriousness, if there isn’t already a show like this, there should be–I would happily be the host!
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would much rather watch this one than what’s on LOL
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Even better than real life!
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Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often.
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You are so brilliant! Full Stop!!! I love your amazing and wonderfully weird mind!!!!!
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Thank you so much!
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Why aren’t you writing for TV? This is hilarious!
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Thank you—considering how much you know about writing, I consider this a tremendous compliment!
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Some of this reads like a great Tina Fey sketch — really sharp stuff with a spot-on ear for zany dialogue!
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Wow, thank you!
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