My Week 172: LinkedIn, I Am Good At All The Jobs

I’ve been on LinkedIn for about three years now. If you don’t know what LinkedIn is, it’s like Facebook for people who don’t want to read about your vacation, see pictures of your kids, or look at memes about how cold it is. Yes. It’s cold. We are all aware. Anyway, the purpose of LinkedIn is to let you network with other “professionals”, post interesting “professional” articles, and read about “professional”-type things. Frankly, it’s boring AF for someone like me, who only dabbles in “professionalism” and would actually prefer to read about your vacation or see pictures of your kids than read about how I can “benefit from a global logistical hub connecting people, goods and markets through sky and sea”. But please stop telling me how cold it is. Every time I hear someone on Facebook say, “Oh my god, it’s so cold!”, I am reminded of the fact that in approximately 16 weeks, you will all be saying, “Oh my god, it’s so hot!” It’s weather. That’s what it does.

A few weeks ago, though, I was looking through my account and found a button I could activate that would tell people I was ‘on the market’, i.e. looking for a job. I’m not actually looking for a job, since I already have a couple, but still, I thought, What’s the harm in seeing what’s on offer? It’s the same logic as being in a happy marriage, but looking over your friend’s shoulder while she’s swiping left and right on Tinder—it’s interesting to see what’s out there, just in case. So I signed up (for Job Alerts, NOT Tinder). But now, at least three times a day, I get a LinkedIn Job Alert that shows me over 100 jobs for which I might, apparently, be a ‘top applicant’. And also, apparently, LinkedIn has no idea what I do, or what my current skill sets are because I don’t even know what some of these jobs entail. But what if I applied for one and actually got it?…

1) Supervisor, Tool Room

Me: Good morning, staff. I am your new Supervisor, Tool Room.
Staff (muttering—they’re a cynical bunch apparently): Yeah, good morning, whatevs.
Me: So, first things first. Please put your tools on the table so that I can supervise them. I’ve devised this clever sign-out system, so if you need a tool, I’ve also created a Word doc explaining how you fill in the requisition form. There will be a quiz tomorrow. Have a good day.
Staff: What the f*ck? Give us back our hammers.

2) Warehouse Support

Me: You are an excellent warehouse. Don’t feel bad because you aren’t always as creative as the other warehouses. Creativity comes in many forms. We just have to find the right…idiom for you.
Warehouse: I just really want to get better at abstraction. I mean, my realistic canvasses are quite well-received, but I want to branch out—you know, show the other warehouses that there’s more to me than just landscapes.
Me: You will. Trust me.

3) Team Leader, Change Implementation

Me: Good morning, staff. I’m your new Team Leader. My job is to implement change.
Staff (enthusiastically—these guys are much more receptive): OK, cool, whatevs.
Me: As of today, you are no longer “Waterloo-Wellington Agricorp Limited, Finance and Procurement Division”. You are now “Frosty Queen”. Let’s hear it for frozen milk products!
Staff: But we make farm equipment.
Me: Change is hard.

4) Security Shift Supervisor

Me: Good morning team. I understand that you are the Security Shift. I like it. That’s an awesome nickname. So which one of you is Deadpool, because I just LOVE how you combine humour with kick-ass action.
Staff (confused—not the sharpest tools in the shed): Deadpool? What are you talking about?
Me: Oh. Is this more of a Suicide Squad type deal? OK. Which one of you is Harley Quinn?
Girl (slowly raises hand).
Me: Cool. I didn’t recognize you out of costume.
Girl: Uh, no. There’s no ‘Harley Quinn’ here.
Me: Then which universe IS this?! I get them so confused, especially since Marvel AND DC are both putting teasers after the credits. OK, “Security Shift”—show me your superpowers. And do it quick—I hear there’s trouble down at Frosty Queen.

5) Bilingual French Financial Services Funding Specialist

Me (terrible French accent): Doo yoo wahnt sum mun-ayyy?
French Person: Je ne comprend pas!
Me: Mun-ayyy! Le cash! Do you actually SPEAK French or are you just messing with me?
French Person: Vous etes une idiote.
Me: Aww. That’s sweet. But you forgot the accent circonflexe on ‘etes’. (My written French is MUCH better than my spoken French).

6) Advanced Case Manager, Insurance Products

Me: So a shark attacked your boat and it sunk?
Customer: Aye. We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Me: Unfortunately, you’re only insured for the replacement cost. Also, shark attacks are an act of God.
Customer (scratches nails down the blackboard that I somehow have in my fancy insurance office): Argh. You suck.
Me: I’m sorry, Mr. Quinn. I CAN, however, provide some funds for the purchase of extra scuba tanks and a rifle.
Customer: I can’t see how that would be helpful, but whatevs.

7) Broadband Specialist

Me: I hear the internet is slow. Where do we keep the extra wires?
Staff: In the warehouse. Be careful when you go in—it has self-esteem issues.

As you can see, I would be amazing at so many of the jobs that LinkedIn is offering me. Luckily for me, and the rest of the working world, I already have a job. I’m not sure what I actually do there either, but whatevs.

 

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43 thoughts on “My Week 172: LinkedIn, I Am Good At All The Jobs

  1. I can’t stop laughing! I just cannot! I hadn’t even activated my button and I get a weekly, ‘top ten jobs you may be qualified for’. NONE as fun as yours… I need to change my LinkedIn Profile. Step aside! I’ll handle the warehouse with self-esteem issues!!! OMG! hahahaha!~Kim

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I signed in to LinkedIn once and now get regular notifications that strangers want me to join their network, to which I always respond “whatevs”.
    Now you’ve made me completely rethink it and from now on when I get those notifications I’ll respond with an enthusiastic “whatevs” before I hit the delete key.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “… in approximately 16 weeks, you will all be saying, “Oh my god, it’s so hot!” …”
    Not in Britain, we won’t. We’ll perhaps have a proper warm one sometime around June at the earliest.
    It’s probably our fault that weather is a “thing”. We can have a grey damp day hitting about 13 deg celsius ANY DAY OF THE YEAR. And often do. Hence, “Ooh, it’s about freezing!” or “Blimey, it’s over 25!”. We’re so surprised at slight differences from our dull little range that we can’t help but talk about it. Add that to the global domination thing we had going on for a few hundred years and now everyone in the world is at it.
    Sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. hehehe I think you would be a PHENOMENAL Tool Room Supervisor Suzanne. The sign-out system you describe reminds me of a scene from Orange is the New Black.

    This probably means I watch way too much Netflix, but I prefer to think that it’s a glowing endorsement of your potential administrative prowess in the challenging field of Tool Room management.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I usually try to get all witty or profound in these reply things, but no amount of wit or profundity can compare to what I’ve just witnessed. Suzanne, that was BRILLIANT. It was just what this Tuesday-hater needed on a Tuesday morning before going to his day job as a Sales Manager for a company that has only one salesperson, anymore, and that’s me. Imagine going all day trying to shirk duties while constantly being on your own ass about getting more on the ball. Yeah, that’s me. 😉

    Maybe I’ll go in today and see if I can get the more apt title of “Tom Being Tom Supervisor” and see how that goes over. They’ll hate it.

    Oh well, “change is hard.” 😏

    I’m still dying! 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m not even sure how accurate the LinkedIn alerts are, because I’ve been getting alerts for the same job at one particular company for the past two months. Either said company has an awful turnover rate for that one role, or LinkedIn is super keen for me to get it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m retired, but even so LinkedIn regularly tells me that 100 jobs are available in Exeter and that every last one of them is a perfect fit for me. Never mind that I live over an hour from Exeter and that the jobs (on days when I’m bored and perverse enough to follow the link) either don’t exist or want to pound a square-peg writer/editor into an round-hole tool supervisor job.

    Although as you describe it, I think I might be able to manage tool supervision.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This made me giggle…and sadly, I can totally relate, given all of the job search sites I have dabbled in over the years. I pushed that lil’ button on LinkedIn and, praise the powers that be, I had a flashback of the last time I had my inbox full of ‘Executive Director of Custodian Services’ gigs and opted out. But at least you now know the world is your oyster, well kind of…just be sure to mind the sharks. ;o)

    Liked by 1 person

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